Using Sex To Heal From Sexual Trauma....

i am coming out of a 10yr relationship.

i had 3 affairs during that time and a couple flings.

he cut me off 3 months ago after find out about my affairs a couple years ago. since he found out we went to therapy, we worked hard...yet and he was so angry and cruel....we eventually split up.

but he was my best friend. him suddenly cutting me off/changing his number etc. has been such a traumatic experience of abandonment i have been having severe panic attack and excruciating depression.

the only time i feel ok, and the depression isn't an excruciatingly painful thing...is when i am with someone else. and now i am starting to realize that it's getting dangerous.

last night i was with one of the 4 men i am seeing. at first we just dated. and i wouldn't let him **** me. but now...i am slipping back into patterns. i need it. and i let him hurt me. today it hurts all over.

the one guy i prefer to be with won't see me as often as i like, and without his naked body on mine, i fall back into severe depression within 48 hrs. So i seek sex to alleviate it.

antidepressants don't work. booze doesn't work. therapy doesn't work.

sex works.

i can feel ok and function after i get my fix. the high wear off within days. and i soon feel suicidal again. I need it. like to not kill myself. seriously. i am OK and function like a normal person when i know another person cares enough to bring me pleasure. to show such affection.

i can' live with myself that my ex has cut me off and doesn't care if i live or die. this is the only way i feel ok. ...and it''s the only time i don't want to die.

right now, without regular sex and cuddles... i am useless pile of fleshy depression.

i would love to be with just one. but no one wants me full time. and i cannot be alone. i need to be held thru the night or i wake up in tears (if i can sleep thru the night) and I cannot work at all.

i want to be ok. i want to feel ok. i don't want to end up with a disease or dead in some pervert's basement.

i want a husband, a marriage, children someday.

i used to be strong and sane. but this is getting worse.

i am not sure if i am a sex addict, a bipolar weirdo, have panic disorder, ADD, OCD. am borderline or just absorbing whatever affliction story i can match to myself anymore.

...or am i just doing through the throws of a normal traumatic breakup?!?!?!? I was not abused as a kid or anything. i just don't know.

i just know i am hurting so much more than i ever have.
korywar korywar
26-30, F
Sep 19, 2012