I Used To Think I Was Just An Intensely Passionate Person ...

 Or a "hopeless romantic" ... which is what I used to tell myself in my teens, when I got severe crushes on girls.  Then, in my twenties, when my crushes turned into full-blown love affairs, I noticed how obsessed I would get over people.  Since I'm a writer, these obsessions usually manifested themselves into poetry or short-story form, which was and remains somewhat advantageous to me.  But, occasionally the feelings cut too deeply and left scars.  Scars, I admit, I sometimes wear like badges of honor.

All that being said, now that I am older, I am starting to realize (somewhat painfully) that what I'm really experiencing is simple sex addiction.  

Females and males who suffer from sexual addiction share the same basic need, which is to fill a void (just as with any other drug), but they experience it differently.  Typically, a lot of female sex addicts are like me:  they never knew they were addicts to sex, because they thought that they were addicts to love.  In reality, they couldn't tell the difference.  This actually makes a lot of sense, on the surface, since females are often accused of confusing sex with love in the first place.  

When I look back at the only solid relationship I've ever had; the only one that ever had promise to last, I realize it wasn't fueled by sex like my other relationships.  At the time, I thought I didn't love her, because I didn't feel those overwhelming, all-consuming feelings.  I was wrong.  I see that now.  I had it all backwards.  I loved her the most ... because it was REAL, and not hidden behind a smoke-screen of lust.  

I have not sought professional help yet, but I'm thinking about it.  I know I'm still suffering, because as I sit here tonight, I'm obsessing over someone who is over 3000 miles away.  And you know how I know I'm an addict?  Because, even after all I've said, I am still fooling myself into thinking this is some kind of all-powerful, all-consuming love I'm feeling.  

It's not.  It's a drug, just like any other.  And, until I learn to control it, it's going to control me.  

  

hauntedgrrl hauntedgrrl
31-35, F
3 Responses Mar 11, 2010

I never had the problem of confusing sex with love, I always knew it was a sex addiction... And I'm only addicted to women for some reason.... i love every single thing about them... thats why this addiction has been so hard for me....

I agree with you especially where you say that you thought that we as women confuse sex with love, I for years thought that too, I was so in love and then when the relationship ends I don't miss the person its the sex I realize I had to have, not really want but HAD to HAVE.

This is a very thought provoking story. You have given me cause to (once again) examine myself. Thank you.