I Have Been Lashing Out At Others When I'm Really Mad Myself And I'm Just Trying To Say I'm Sorry.

his is a story I never wanted to write I was not forced into it not by you but by my own heart.

can I just say something. I don’t want to be a troll. I don’t want be dishonest here or hide the truth from you all when if you dug into it you’d find out what really happened so I want to confess my own skeletons in the closet.

I get really upset sometimes because I’m basically a friend when all I am is nice to people and I do everything I possibly can to win them over with kindness and I get used or basically I tell people they CAN use me because I tell them it’s what I WANT to be even if I’m not “Rewarded by it” with sex.  and this is all true but I look around at the end of the day right and There are girls like scarlet who played emotional support to me who aren’t interested back because “i’m looking for it” whichI think is silly.  I don’t compromise myself all that much for others. I don’t ever want to use the phrase “friend zone”  to describe things but this happens to me even when i’m completely upfront with my desires because I don’t forcefully inact a narrative where I feign disinterest. there’s a game people seem to insist on playing for large part and few people who are just “**** it” and those people generally get STEPPED on themselves.

Case in point. Before I got really into the girl in florida I was into her best friend. Her best friend and her are POLAR opposites. That girl has NO finnese for that sort of thing and NO strong will to do things like NOT CALL when she’s dying to. She’s almost helpless to stop herself adn it’s almost cute to watch someone do the same idiotic **** I’ve done.

But here’s the thing. I’ve been wanting to scream and call everyone a bunch of animals for this **** and say b d things and I have in places and i’m being punished for it but I have a startling confession: I’m sorry. I’m sorry because the more I reflect the more clarity I gain to realize that while being frustrated at this for happening to me I pushed the girl I could have had when my ex was not even ggiving me her phone number but would talk to me away because I was so attached and what did she do except pretend to only be around once a month while her “roommate” who was actually her played her account and dated around with that “shell” persona. Who I sohuld have been able to tell really easily simply because they acted so similiar except one was affectionate and one wasn’t. If thisn’t hot and colding someone I Wouldn’t know what was.

well I met someone else during the time I was seeing her. Married girl who was going through the last days with her husband andd finally wavering towards divorce. and I connected with her almost immediately. lot of chemistry. Somethin gof a loose girl though. She had it with a lot of people. I didn’t really care byh this point. Love was love but one day she called me and BEGGED me to let her move in with my family and stuff. She won’t admit it today but this DID happen. She told me to just break it off with my girlfriend and be with her and I was SO Stupid.

So when I hear people talk about this term I just think “I’ve done it myself. Why is it evil for me to mention it?”

I guess what i’m saying tonight is that I’m playing Paulo Nutini’s REWIND and realizing I understand the lyrics to this song. I don’t drink or bar hop that way but I am strung out on the floor and have lost ambitino. I even undersrstand the feeling of not having the right to write a song that deep because your life really isn’t that bad actually when he says “cleaing up the peices of the wreck you left behind in my not so stressful life”

I never wanted to admit this. I never wanted to even SEE IT. Because the truth was if i didn’t do a double take I never would have even seen it without someone else pointing it out. But no one did. no one knows the moves I make and apparentally only a few of the women i’ve tried to be with interact with each other enough to talk about me. I don’t know if there really IS an objective outside observer to call me a hypocrit. but I have realized this is true.

I guess all I want to say is “I’m sorry.” and that having seen that light I wish that  I could rewind and play it all over again because people hold grudges and I realize words will never do. If I really can’t trust my own stupid heart with the sound of it’s beating then maybe  I should learn from my experiences.

so anyways this is the song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1eEC4foVtI I’m laying awake and wondering if even though I Hate the game itself I sohuld just play it because people are silly and NOT rational. It’s quite a delimia for me.

I’ve had it stuck in my head for nearly 2 years. When I posted the video “infinite love is the only truth” by david icke or “We think we are human”t hat’s all I felt.

how can I say i’m sorry so many times for “smothering” tristin but still do it over and over again too. I just wanted to scream I was sorry. I was sorry in a million different ways having seen that video and I don’t think some of these people will EVER forgive me. If i Had one big wish for the 21st it is just that they would. They would see everyhhing i’ve been feeling.

cause the truth is i’ve seen this for several months but I haven’t wanted to admit it. all these tears of regret and remorse but they don’t mean a thing to anyone and their grudge.

I think this is what you call evolving as a character. But it’s the most painful thing ever. Cause i’m not just sorry for one or two mistakes but a long disasterous stream of them that has carried on sense the day I turned 13 and i’m not a SHRED better than the VERY people I want to tell are all a bunch of fools. The only thing is I learned. The hard way.

 I have “less social experience” than they do in a lot of context but I have also had FAR DEEPER relationships than they have with other people generally speaking wihh people my age simply because of my tendency to sensitivity and self reflection and being wise beyond my years.

the music in david ickes videos on that one and even the video for the fractal universe theory have songs in them that just make me feel that. I cry every time. Why can’t we just go back and start over? even If I had to learn to tell wHITE LIES about my level of passion for two people I still would have played my cards smarter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbRmJ_2nqyg

I don’t know why I’m aDDICTED to those tears of regret either but I kind of am.

under these stars and skies I am no better or worse than any of you. It’s sad.

this is why i’ve been under. in truth.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zORy9nDsF18

funny we’re all connected and I feel So very separated from the whole tonight. the same as EVERY night. maybe I have built a self containered prison because I’m trying to express my remorse….. maybe I’ve walled off this way because I  know how badly I ****** up and I think I deserve to suffer for it.

ManifestoOfThePhoenix ManifestoOfThePhoenix
31-35, M
1 Response Dec 14, 2012

*hugs* I feel you man. I've had a lot of these things happen to me as well, and I've done a pretty poor job of making decisions in my past. I guess the best thing that came from it is that with each mistake I learn something new, even if it's tearing me apart.