But Just How Forgiving???

Lately my trust in people, and my level of forgiveness, has been truly tested.

If there's one thing I hate, it is being lied to.  Yeah, I'm adult enough to know that the truth will not always be rosy.  It will hurt sometimes.  Cut me to the quick.  Suck totally.  But at least it would be the truth.  There is a certain element of....comfort?...security?....I dunno what the right term is.  There's just something about the truth that makes even a horrible truth better than a great lie.  I tell my friends, especially those nearest and dearest to me, that all I want is the truth.  Even when it's going to suck.  Just don't lie to me.  Give me that much basic respect.  Please.

So what do they do??  They lie, of course.  Lie to my face.  Hide things behind my back.  Keep the truth away from me like it's some sort of elementary school game. 

Why???  Why bother lying to me?  I have been so open, so accepting, so utterly overly reasonable even though the truth of their actions has been absolutely killing me!  They are wrecking my life (or, more to the point, she is wrecking my life) and yet I am still here, ready to be the friend that they are going to need.  Accepting the reality of what they think they feel.  Ready to help them pick up the pieces.  Forgiving without them even having to ask.

Maybe that's the problem.  That they don't have to work for my forgiveness.  That I do not hold them accountable for the effect their actions have on me.  The forgiveness is just simply there...extended without a second thought.  Granted without a wish uttered.  Given freely to those that, by any other measure, do not deserve even a fraction of an ounce of forgiveness from me for they way I have been hurt and lied to by them. 

I am not trying to say I'm some sort of saint or martyr or whatever for giving forgiveness to those that should not deserve it.  Not at all....I just look at myself from the outside and I wonder.  I wonder why the hell I keep putting up with all that I do put up with from them?  Why do I stay around?  Glutton for punishment?  Dull little lapdog?  Idiot-in-waiting?  Maybe the next Village Idiot in training...  Whatever the reason, the forgiveness just keeps flowing from me into their lives...into lives that don't even register the fact of what they are being granted.  Into lives of people that appreciate my forgiveness no more than they appreciate the fact that there is free air to breathe every second of every day of their hurtful little lives.  And somehow, through all of this....no matter what else happens....I feel that forgiveness drain out of me in such a free state that I am powerless to stop the flow.  I cannot build a figurative dam strong enough to stem the tide.  I can't even begin to cut it off and keep the forgiveness within me, reserving it for a more "worthy" person (or group of people).  It just flows.  Freely.  And i am left to wonder every day...why?

dyin2live dyin2live
31-35, F
1 Response Mar 12, 2010

Thank you so much AP....and yes, you do usually "get" me far better than most do in my life. Just knowing I am not the only person that does this or feels this helps me greatly. You are a wonderful friend. *hugs* D2L