The Resurrection Of Kat

I was born a free spirit, an Indigo child. I was born into a family that thrived on conformity and control. I obviously did not mesh with this way of life. I butted heads with the structure and most of all, with my mother. This lead to years of abuse. Indirectly the abuse nearly killed me. I was trying to reclaim my control in all the destructive ways teenagers do...eating disorders, cutting and suicide attempts.

I jumped from the frying pan into the fire when I said "I Do". There was initially a rebirth, as the control and abuse that existed in my marriage was very much like a slow growing tumor. Eventually, you know it is there, however, you get accustomed to it. It then become life threatening. However, by the time you feel it's strangling hands around your spirit it is to large to remove. The last 5-6 years of my marriage brought back a return of those destructive coping skills that thrived in my teen years. When your soul is dying inside the pain is so unbearable.

Cutting was a release for me, almost a ceremony. I hated the skin that I exisited in. Cutting it open gave me a sense of power. At the time it seemed to be the only gateway for the demons within to leave. In a way cutting kept me alive. It was the only thing in my life that I controlled.

Soon, cutting was not enough. It no longer worked at numbing the pain. Alcohol and sleeping pills became my new chemo for the cancer that was growing rapidly inside. At the end of my marriage I played a dangerous game of roulette when the sun set. I added one more sleeping pill every night. I was hoping that one night that one pill more was one pill too many. It never was. I reached a point one night that I no longer wanted to exist here on earth. I saw it as a life sentence. For a free spirit, an Indigo, a life sentence is a far worse fate than death. I took a bottle of my favorite wine and a bottle of pills and retreated to my closet.

i was at peace, feeling my heart slow. Feeling my breathing taper down. As I was about to let go completely, my fellow soulmate that made this life dear friend who left this earth 6 years prior spoke to me. I could not see him, but I felt his presence and heard his voice...the voice I was without for so long. I thought he was coming to take me away from this hell. He was not there to take me away, but to send me back. I could hear myself screaming,an animalistic scream, begging him to take me away. He said "No, our boy needs you" "Our boy" was my son...his Godson.

I felt my lungs inflate. All the pain that I was drifting away from flooded over me once again. I laid oin that closet sobbing. Asking "why" over and over. Then I heard my son's voice drifting up from the floorboards, that sweet voice that is a reflection of his soul gave me the answer. That night I lived for him. The next morning I dragged myself out of bed for him. I continued to do this every day.

I escaped my jailer and the prison I was held captive in for over 20 years. I escaped the chains of control. The open wounds of a lifetime of abuse began to slowly close. My son would not come with me. I was devestated by this decision.

Fast forward 16 months...
I cocooned for months, only to emerge a new spirit, a free spirit once again. I am happy and healthy. I have not cut since the day I walked out. I thrive to live life to the fullest and no longer dream of leaving this earth. My dear son stuck it out in our former prison until last month. He now lives on his own and is also thriving. I think he knew I needed this year to rediscover myself and sacrificed months of his own happiness to do so.

I celebrated a birthday last month. My greatest gift was a letter from my son, thanking me for being a great mom and making him into the person he is today. He said I taught him how to be a good husband, person and father. My time with my son is precious and priceless. I beam with pride at the independent man he has become. He is a free spirit that radiates love and wisdom. He is my hero and my savior.

This past Saturday I was spending time with a friend that has come to know me this past year. She did not know the beatened down, dying spirit I once was. We were discussing men and what "my type" is. She looked at me and stated "It will take a special man to be with you. I think you will find him, but it will take a while" I asked her why she thought this. She looked at me and said, "Because you are a free spirit..." I am resurrected...
katlady66 katlady66
46-50, F
Sep 24, 2012