Outside I'm Successful

I don't understand why you try to be a "good" person unless you have something far greater to gain in the longrun, but to each their own. Psychopaths come in all shapes and sizes after all.

I would advise you at times to let the impulsiveness take over. That is a part of who we are.
Good to see that you are sucessfull.
But never abandon your desires.

Did you seek medical help? I think I am one, but I don't know if I should seek help or not. How do you cope?

Do you love your wife?

what you are describing sound alot like what the taoist zen philosophy want's to acheive. to silence the mind... not let emotions overtake us..

I find it great that you focus on making good around you

Not for the one with a mind as sharp as you. lol.One who is mature with their emotions. I tend to be friends with many of you and can connect to your opinions about peoples uncontrolled emotions.....yes. Then it becomes more of a psychotherapy and I have to cut them off. I am at the point where I am only smoking e-cigs and american spirit. I was abandoned at young and out to fend for myself alone at 15.No mom, dad left for a mail order...I have been living alone for 11 years trying to get whole first. I have low tolerance for clingy men. lol. I understand the being alone and sobor...it is hard. Much self discipline. Divine order of thoughts. You are doing pretty well for your circumstances.

one thing I cannot tolerate is wasted effort so the black emptiness will never win



you are the first to write that

I am impressed

Oh I abuse thi gs for a short time period and then I move on. I smoke weed for weeks at a time then stop. I'll drink heavily because I don't feel the effects and then realize I am going to crash and burn if I don't stop so I stop, I run and exercise for hours a day. All trying to fill the void...I don't dill it by attacking others I don't fill it by loosing control in a place or at a time I cannot recover it. Does that help?



Yes I do think about people....they annoy me to no end especially people who have no control over their emotions and seem to go off at the slightest event. I have high impulse control but there are times I cannot stop myself. I love too draw people in and then walk away. I don't Hirt them but I shatter the thought or hopes they have of getting more from me. I do this when I'm unable to control myself.



Ok maybe not a master, you're right but very very good. No one has ever suspected me as being abnormal. I've had people hate me and love me but I've seen the same thing with those who are not psychopaths. I am a very good mimic...I do the facial expressions, the tones of voices the gestures and the words so well people think I am the kindest person they've ever met but they couldn't possibly think that if they k ew the real me. That's what I call a master. I was in an orphanage growing up and tossed around for so long into different environments I learned to adapt myself to what others want. I may not be a master but I've learned a lot in my short life.



I agree you probably have more wisdom plmay, but I am alone, always have been. I started with these psychos in a therapy session. I had a therapist once who decided it was a great idea to get a bunch of us together to form a support group,needless to say it didn't last long but I found two that seemed, like me to be very high functioning and they were not interested in hurting anyone. We decided to meet for coffe and compare notes about what our abilities are. That's how it started and we've kind of just kept it going. You're right the others in the group really ticked me off, they were egotistical, self centered and downright mean to the therapist. One sent him out almost in tears one day. I don't engage in that behavior, though there are times I would love to but I figure if I do then I am reducing myself to the standards society has set. I don't want to be that.



When I am around people who are happy and joyful or laughing I get the idea my cup is filling up. I can then go back later and rehear the conversations, I can replay the laughs and I get a lot from this. Peoples anger and fear just turn me away and I would rather walk then sit there. I dont know-how I feed off of it but it seems that way to me. It's just the way I described it, probably poor choice of words.



You have a perfect assessment, yin and yang, I'm a monster and I know it but I don't want to show it to anyone else. My filter keeps musters at bay better than people's do that is why I consider myself high functioning. But your right I'm not I'm just barely treading water but what else can I do?

I am interested in your post. How do you avoid the need to fill the black void since you don't abuse drugs or alcohol? I find myself addicted to hobbies, projects and I sometimes I abuse alcohol. I understand the intolerance to wasted effort. Stupid people who cannot grasp the big picture are a constant source of annoyence to me.



I too do not like to hurt people for fun. But sometimes my black thoughts scare me. Do you ever fear impulsivity? Have you ever loved something and feared smashing it to bits? I do think it would be fun to hurt someone I intensely dislike. I do have some fond memories.



I don't understand why functioning psychopaths think they are the master of disguising themselves. Certainly you are intelligent per your post- but a master of disguise? I know there are many people who love me and some people I make very uneasy. They can "feel" me so I am not prone to believing I am a master of disguise. Perhaps good at disguise but certainly not a master.



When I look at your age I realize I am older then you. I have been living this life a bit longer. I am impressed that you are highly functioning, as am I. I know how hard this is. Recently I have been going through a lot of life changes and visit this site for support. A sense that I am not alone. You are not alone either. I don't choose to be in the company of other psychopaths in real life. On the internet it is fine but in real life I avoid them. What in the world could they offer you? I don't like my own kind. They are a reflection of what I am and they **** me off.



I don't understand your enjoyment of feeding off other people's positive emotions. I prefer humor and laughter over anger or dullness. But how do you feed off of it? Does it give you joy for the moment and are you able to relfect on that and feel joy later?



If I had to judge myself I would say that the very few people I love, the people I have sacrificed for are my greatest joy. The rest, the endless emptyness, the endless rage are not anything I am proud of. And let's not kid ourselves here. We are very capable of being monsters. We as functioning psychopaths just have a little bit of a filter in our brain. This filter allows us to love a little, and realize how scary we are. We are perhaps the ultimate ying and yang.





Write back and expand on the questions I have asked if you can. I am interested.