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The Child In The Playground... I Am Not A Monster.. Fear Not.

Gah, I can't hide it anymore. I can't.

I've wet the bed up till I was 12. I've lit things on fire.. and still have a small flame for it. I have seemingly tramatic experiences from childhood... Infancy maybe. And lastly, I've done unmentionable things to small animals in my youth. But the predator in me fled.. Visits sometimes.. But not assisted.

I dunno what's wrong with me. Heh, and honestly, I don't want to change. To everyone, I'm so "sweet" or "innocent." I feel a bit fuzzy when I hear things of so.

Although I walk alone. People prefer the unknown, unknown. It takes a daring adventurer to push the still stone.

I manipulate gladly. Enjoy the sight of, somehow, making people either happy or sad. But I mean, why do you let your strings be so available to me? I can't help pulling them every so often. I get a rush of adreneline.. And laugh to myself.. inside my head.

I think of death. Not as if I'm depressed, but what it will bring. 200 years, my life... my.. shows.. will have been canceled by then. All of our lives. And by studying psychology.. I can shift this world's flow just a tinch... I could understand what I am.. And discover others. And possibly save the lost... After conquering my own demons.

I sometimes feel lonely. No one in this playground to share the journey with who understands. Just another voodoo doll.. But someone has caught my eye. I treasure him.. And admire him.. And want him.. Because I know he has felt just a taste of this.. But he's older... And life has to be lived.. As I love from afar. Maybe this is why I'm posting. Rerunning my cons to see why he still sees me as a friend. He comes to me with everything.. And.. I'm spellbound...

But.. I've been called Evil by those who have been stung. I'm sorry. I'm just a child in a playground. Careless.. Searching for wild Freedom. The type of ripenened fruit that grows on Love's trees... I want to bite into one fresh plum of it.. And savour its eternal succulence.. I am not a monster. I am... Untitled. A pink flower that grows by lava industries, and no one will pick me. Understandable.

The world is so... fragile. They think, "oh we have vehicles, we're something." Yes, you do have vehicles darling.. I've seen them.. They kill thousands of your people each year. Or, "we are advanced in technolgy and speak a valid, or multiple, languages, we're the "intelligent" species" I'm sure you are.. Even though parrots have mastered some of the language too.. It just takes vocal chords, the "right" ones, and a little attention to create a bunch of hubub.

And so many others. We are animals. I am.. an animal. A fox, at that. But I do get scared sometimes.. I have felt pain.. And droplets of regret here and there.. But I am an animal. I will not sit here and let people tell me that we are more than creatures. People who are so dependent on green to keep themselves working functionally.

I work functionally with my beliefs in mind. I am a leader. A follower to only a wise leader. In order to sucessfully lead people, one must not be affected by everything. I mean, the only reason why you cry at a funeral is because you focus on the lost... But the other side has now a new soul, a soul you'll meet later on, my friend.. Just not now.. Soon.

I am not bad. I tell the truth.. without much sprinkles.. But it's still ediable. Not everything needs to be sweet.. I try to disect the good in those I meet.. no matter how intricated their soul is.. One string is still pure.. One..

I like helping people.. And making them feel good. Why? Because I'm not apart of them. I'm not "with" this world. I do my own thing, I suppose. I seek the meaning instead of the feeling.

And... I'm not perfect. My urges, strictly confidential, are strange.. But why do you point a finger? When you, go home to beat your wife.. after drinking all night. Or, you have raped.. Or ******** a married man... Or bullied that one girl.. Who eventually commited suicide.. and well, you were nowhere to be found. Or.. ********** to your friend's lover. I mean really, any tact? Or cheated on that test.. It was small.. But was it any harder to just admit that you aren't an Einstein? Or those blades.. Mm. Secret, right? Pills.. Secret, right? Why must we point such dirty fingers?

I thought we were all Equal.. no..
JeuneCirque JeuneCirque 18-21, F 2 Responses Nov 6, 2012

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You are a very talented writer :)

stop venting your normal stuff in the psychopath section. go vent about how you feel as a normal human in a venting for normal people section

Interesting doll..
And define normal?

whhy dont you just look it up? its not an opinion.
definition of normal: Conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected

Ah.. so this was typical? A story... I personally wrote.. for my own pleasure. Heh..

this is not the definition of story. It's views with facts and statements. your post displays use of truth, understandings of things, which is nice but you should place them in the correct groups or categories are what ever they call it.

Interesting critisim... This is how I write my life's details... Nothing definite.. snippets..

definition of criticism: The expression of disapproval of someone or something based on perceived faults or mistakes.
This is not what i was doing at all. your post is logical and can easily be supported with facts.

I do not dislike your post. I just dislike that it is in the section of psychopaths because it has nothing to do with the subject. whether you are or aren't this is not the " wrights from psychopaths" section. this section is to wright about them.

I use a grammar most do not. It seems as though you are comprehending mine as though it is a common one. The meanings of words that i use, are stated in the dictionary. I am blunt. There is no meaning between lines because i wright as much that is needed to say what i mean. i use words correctly.

i dislike being misled. That's why i don't like your post in this section. I do like your post, just not in this section of the website. your last reply, I do not understand what you mean I do not understand how you feel any more. I dont no how to respond to it. So i and replying like this to inform you of what im correctly informing you about. I don't like people being effected by me in ways that are negative because they did not understand what i was saying and why.

Hmm.. You can throw many dictonary meanings at me, darling... Critisim isny simply disaproval, it's feedback.. Also, I was stating that my childhood wasn't as "normal" or standard as most. And if you actually read the signs of a psychopath, you'd see that fire playing, abuse to animals, and bed wetting were common signs. But you may say as you please..

If you will, look at my other stories. I barely do go into full flegde detail about myself.. I write symbolistically.. And form my own story. But, once again, say as you please, my friend.

Reply

i saw the things you put in there that you believe are sings. bed wetting is common to do tell 12. just because some psychopaths do it, dose not mean its a trait. kids with emotions are egocentric because the parts of there brain that enables them to realize that other people matter just as much as they do, is not there at that age. they become emotional and hurt animals for doing things they dont like.Yes just like humans psychopaths hurt animals for similar reasons. Some just want to experiences hurting an animal just like non psychopaths. The majority of both types of humans do not hurt them for many reasons.

I am vary organized. if something does not fit or match exactly, I put them in subcategories. If it fits only 98% I make a subcategory within a subcategory for perfect organization. Some times I believe things are just going to be organized and when there not. i want it corrected. It makes information much more easy to find.

I'm going to start learning how to see the imperfection and then ignore the portion that does not fit. as long as it does not pressed 20%.
I tried looking at you profile so i can view your stories and post but your account is private. I would have to stumble upon them.

I have to say, for someone who seems to disregard others so much, assuming you define yourself as a "true" psychopath, you take much note on me.. and bother to explain yourself to me, although I didn't ask.. Interesting..

I use to ask questions so i would know the answers that i cared to know. Hardly anyone answered them. They all just look at me as though i acts something very personal. They would never tell me. No matter how impersonal and simple the question was.

Then I learnt a few facts. people use protocols to speak. if i steer them into the protocols that will give me the information i want. I don't have to ask a question that wont be answered. I have to use many words to disable other protocols.

Yes the information i want is very short in length compared to my methods of getting information. Id does not take me long to reply so i don't mind.

Not every reply has the same intention as the the reply-er.
have you ever wondered why some many peoples replies sound different than their previous ones when discussing the same topic? Or how they seem to only have two emotions when replying?

Interesting mindset, you have there, my friend...

You go ahead and speak about your beliefs on the the human mind when they reply... I'm still understanding.

Care to elaborate- friend?

Friend is a term I use for everyone... Even those who seem to repel the thought, sir.. Hm..

you are very vague. You want to learn a lot but you never give information back. How is the person giving information going to keep giving when you just receive and never give or influence? You interest me less and less.

I can't comment on your other stories because your account will not allow non friends to view your page.

when i acts if you care to elaborate, i mint everything. If you are dun giving information. I am dun replying.

You act as if I'm an open book... There's a solid reason why my things are for friend's only... I don't know you. Introduce yourself, stop questioning me, and maybe I will return interest. If that's too much for you, hun, I can end this conversation myself too. For now, the only thing I'm putting out is that I enjoy psychology, debating, and other things. You'lll learn more in the mean time...

you are funny. I asked 1 question that i wanted answered. "Care to elaborate- friend?" is that question. as you can read, you have answered it. All the others are just questions for to find answers to for your self. I don't need nor have a Desiree for me to know those answers.

I don't act as your anything. I simply respond the way i want. I never acts to be your friend nor have pressured you to be my friend.

Introduce my self! I have displayed 45% of a personality. You have dun as best as you can to council yours and your thoughts. how much information do you believe people will give before you give a bit back? People get bored of chatting with some one that hides their personality , thoughts, opinions, and statements. No one ever informs some one more than 20% of their self when they know less than 10% of that person. They don't know if the time spent doing so is worth it. The person might not even like the other person. Iv given you lots and you have returned nothing. most of your post are like notifications that you red what i typed.

You are very impersonal but you use words that establishes a relationship such as " friend, sir, and hun". how am I to know the courtesy you would like me to give you if you keep using words for different relationships?

It is a know fact that people who do not give information about their self or subject will be acts questions.

" I can end this conversation myself too." you say it as though you feel that i'm choosing to end this and you feel powerless because you have no say. I said "If you are dun giving information. I am dun replying." It is obvious that only you can choose to end it or continue the conversation. I just stated how you can do these things. you can end it by not replying or not giving information when you reply. you can continue it by giving information. I never asked or stated the type of information that i want. therefore you don't have to tell me about you.

You say it as though i am better or matter more than you by ending a conversation. I don't care if you end it or not. i just want to learn many things. yes your story is neat and is true even though you do not claim nor give facts. It is not based from facts so there is no reason to correct anything. Everything you said is true and does happen. I hardly see righting this good, but i don't care if you never talk to me again. i just care about information and me knowing it. I don't need it to come from an awesome person. i Just need it. There are many people on this planet. That is one reason why i don't care if i'm nice to people or not. I just am nice to those who are not mean to me.

I did not reply only because you posted things concerning you. you including some of your likes and that is information.You

You don't know how i am saying this to you so i'm going to tell you so you do not misinterpret what i'm saying. I say this with a blank expression on my face while feeling no emotion. I don't have an impression of you. I have not judged you.

I'm not sure if your aware, but you will not reply to people for certain reasons. So people must not do those reasons if they want you to chat with them. I have reason as well. If i get no information in general. I will not have will to reply.

Thing is... this is out in the open. I've done a conversation similar to this only once... But then again, he seemed more friendly. Heh, okay. Well, if it's information you hunger for, drool at the platter, I suppose.

I doubt society's strength. I find is shameful to be from America.. Seeing Americans are.... eh. Thing is, my story relates to why I am.. And what my eyes show me. I see destruction.. I see the poison that concocts mental illness. I see an amusing society.. That falls short of perfection. And I play in it... for fun.

Your turn, doll.

When you can see the protocols people do. It's easy to manipulate them. Being able to see illusions and the reality at the same time makes it far to easy to create your own.

THis open to the public. Many reading my righting would asume i am a psychopath. If i wanted people to believe I am normal. I only need to say the following. Psychopaths are awesome and i'm one of them. People are taught to to use a judging protocol that is mean and illogical. They will believe I just want to be one because i emotionally feel that they are better than humans. Psychopaths are humans but most non psychopaths see them as other. Humans hate thoughts of another species being better. there is more information about. it's a lot to right so i wont write it. All i have to do is make them believe they see contradictions, or act like a child. I wrote this in such a way they will still doubt that I am a psychopath. They will just think i'm arrogant, or something similar.

Society is week and always has been because they'er slaves that refuse to except the truth. America is very wrong. They force babies to have a slave mentality. School is use to support this mentality. They do there best to keep people living from pay check to pay check. So they will always have to work.

They believe they are normal. They eat un-natural foods that are unhealthy while making healthy food non-healthy. They restrain themselves from saying what they want when they claim to have free speech. They tolerate things and people when it hurts and upsets them. They obey ethics instead of choosing which ones they want to agree to do. They say they are normal as if it mint natural.

It's nice you can have fun while playing in society. I become bored Of it as i see less benefit for me. Beaning with people and learning from them is boring. The information decreases the rate of bored i become. They have no free will. They just follow protocols,and when there are no protocols for a certain though, task, or influence, they become confused, or pause, then a protocol forgets such information and starts them from their last memory before it they paused. The their set to block out 3 seconds of what you said. So the situation will not happen again.

So you cant say much to them. Knowing the options that people are prone to do and not do, is boring. there's no spontaneous. People are far to predictable to entertain more than slightly. It is the equivalent of living with robots. I experience loneliness. I don't now if it's a bad experience or not, but at lest i can experience something to keep me from being bored.

The more i learn the, the more annoying I see humans because they are very wrong and unnatural I learn they are. I can't stop learning because self improvement is the only thing that entertains me. I can't be sane and healthy if i become to bored. It's a good thing i can't feel or i would just feel awful.

Interesting concept. I can agree on many points there. But we're all toys... I suppose lack of exploration is the reason for your boredom, dear. We're the toys of society.. Played and cheated in the governments' monopoly boardgame. We're not different from the robots, we just aknowlegde the world's ways... Ways, so universally adapted and accepted, it only seems, "normal."

I prefer being amused and played than bored and played... Makes this game a bit more entertaining till I escape to a new route....

If you do things differently by not following rules ethics or morals. your not toys, your players. There is no lack of exploration. experiencing exploration is pointless when i have never been interest in exploration. learning new things that will not become useless in 10 years produces the same amount of interest if i learn it by reading or doing. Doing requires going out of my environment. There are many things that annoy me. So there are many opportunities of me being annoyed. I am less annoyed in my environment. Annoyance bores me.

do you experience emotion ( a process that changes thoughts to correspond to the energy types that are present. The thoughts influences the person to do do those thoughts)? Or do you just feel energy types but can't or don't allow your thoughts to change to correspond with the energies that are present near you?

I allow my emotions to come.. But not to dictate my actions...

Such monotrous talk...

do you mind saying some things so i can reply to them? i dont want it to be like a you only answer questions. i want to have a conversation with you.

I had sent something...

"Well, I am partaking in conversation. It's just, give me a topic instead of something so broad. What are your thoughts on the government having so much power over the people? People ruling over people?

it's the triangle theme. the top know most of the information. the second know a bit less and so on. the to has little amount of people. the second have a little more and so on. this way you can change things and tell a few people who tel more and more. so the sections of the triangle know only enough to stay slaves. People are just stupid. they believe power is good and to have power you must own things that they want, or control them. Power is telling some one to do something they do not have to do and they do it willing while having full knowledge of what there doing. If they do it just to get what you have such as money or what ever. They are working for it. If you black mail them. they are not doing it willingly. if you trick them. they may have not dun it if they knew what was happening.

what are some of the emotions you feel? what do you experience when you feel them?

Pyramid placement... Good way to put that. If America were to figure this out, the nation would react prematurely and idiotically in the rouse of a moment. They would feel offended, if they personally felt lower. Oh, but Gov is so smart. She uses manipulation to gain power. Power is control over people.. Good power is what you explained. But power is simply a control, a leash. I want to break from this hold... And resist.

You seem interested in my emotions. Before answring, may I ask why?

Knowing emotion helps understand people better, when they say or do thing, and the reasons why do.

Hmm.. I feel all the basic emotions... I use them to fuel my actions, not to control my actions. By making my decisions logically passionate, they create better results. But I concern myself with the heart first... Then consult brain.

Your roll.

I effect the situation as best as possible for the out come i want, regardless of the energy around me. How do you understand and see your brain and heart? what do they mean tom you? do you effect them or do they effect you some times?

would you like to continue by the message system?

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