Looking For Answers

I don't know what my sexual identity is. I believed for a while I was attracted to both sexes. But whenever I try to reconcile it to my faith it eats me up. I can't do it. I know if I ever got into a relationship it would destroy my family, because they are against the idea of me getting into a relationship with someone of the same sex. I don't even know if its just a phase and I'm just afraid of intimacy with the opposite sex. I know there are sweet guys out there, but I feel like I'm surrounded by overbearing guys. I love my brothers, but they're kinda "traditional" in their views, bossy, one of them is anti-social, emotionally distant, my step-father was abusive. I grew up fully aware that we as women had to fight for our rights. I grew up fully aware that women around the world suffer under the hands of abusive husbands, fathers, other relatives, are raped, beaten, exploited, and I feel like the only reason they treat us nicely sometimes is that we as women had to train them to be that way. I know maybe thats not true. Exaggerrated, unfair! LOL...perhaps. But just bare with me while I cry a little.  

I don't mean to explain away why I may or may not be attracted to the same sex either. Don't get me wrong. And guys, please don't be offended. I'm just pouring my heart out. I know there are plenty of nice guys out there. I'm just being honest about the beliefs I've had.   Anyway, I have other questions too. I'm trying to become more familiar with gay-friendly Christian communities. I'm trying to figure out what all they believe. This is my first time stepping in and I'm taking a risk. So, here it is. 
deleted deleted 26-30 3 Responses Nov 27, 2010

Your Response


Great to know you are very, very human, Jessica!

I too, have love for both men and women in a sexual sense. But, when I compare my attraction with Creator's Plan for humans to experience sex within a relationship that is stable, and provides a safe place where children and grandchildren will be raised up to be solid community persons, then I have to choose if I want a good community to live in, or a wild party to bring my children up in, WHEN my wild sexual nature produces children, for it will, even if I don't want children!

Sex just is! I love experiencing sex, so I have to watch carefully how I am sexual to be a responsible member of society. It's been a hard lesson to learn, and I've got more to learn, but it is a good lesson to be learned by those who care about their life, their children, and their grandchildren. Please don't forget this!

They could be giving you some truth that you can use. Even if they don't understand exactly what you are going through, they may have some good points. With the folks who have been around us all our lives, it's sometimes hard to separate the useful from the doo-doo. Maybe you do have "issues", but maybe they simply do not care to deal with the subject matter.

Also, there are tons of people who do not think that a feeling is possible unless they have felt it personnally. They simply lack the dimensions in imagination and feeling that are required to get someone else's problems.

Or try this idea: What reasonable person would not have resentment after living with an abusive (step-)parent? Would it make that person angry as well? So, if after all that you are resentful and angry, then you are our normal, reasonable person. Your relative may have been partially correct, but unable to tell you in a palatable way.

Regardless of what your relative's function is all about, you can deal with it. Sort out the useful and discard the rest. That takes practice. I am sure you can think of all kinds of neat names to call such people -- internally -- when they talk to you. If you can't think of any, scroll through any letter on the Urban Dictionary website. They have some juicy ones. It will make you laugh.

As far as the night thing goes. Here is what I know to be the case. Many people's thoughts seem to rev up as they get tired. I don't think they really go any faster, it's just your mind knows its closing shop, and if it can just. get. one. more. thing. solved... before... But that is not the way your mind needs you to work. Do this. I learned this from my dad years ago when I was out of work. Set a time each day to stop. In your case, to stop thinking about this stuff. You need your sleep, so switch to another, way-different, activity. Reading, maybe? If that's it, don't pick lesbian literary theory or vampire stuff. You get the idea. Pick something light and distracting. When you are done reading, turn off all the lights.

On the why are you alive idea, I'll have to explain more later. I have to sleep, too. But know this for now. We are all super lucky to be alive at all, and even more lucky to be where we are when we are.

Someday, maybe you might start seeing a therapist of some sort, or a priest, minister, or cool gay friend. It's not like you have to sort out your sexual side or anything else in an instant.

There is nothing intrinsically wrong with being gay or Christian. I think you can be both at the same time.

As far as being gay goes, it sounds as if you have a lot to sort out before you can adequately answer that question. That family sounds like it was not much fun at all. Experiences with like them can mess up a lot more of our sense of self than just our sexuality. If I were to bet, I would bet that those parts of your mind are the ones that need the attention the most. Your sexuality will sort itself out in the process. That's my bet.

As far as Christianity goes, it's a lot more broad than it might appear at first glance. Most Episcopal churches are really open to having gay members. There are many others. You can be Chrisian, gay, and not alone. What I would be careful with in a church is the same thing I would be careful with in any organization. You, as a person questioning such basic and profound things about herself, are rather vulnerable. So, be on-guard. Really on-guard. There are trolls on the internet, but there are psychos in the physical world who would love to take advantage of you, even in churches.

Two examples from my youth.

1 -- Gay friends. Several of my gay friends back in the day were taken advantage of routinely by other men because they were painfully openly advertising that they wanted someone to sweep them off their feet, white knight style. Did they ever learn? Not while I knew them.

2 -- Lesbian friend. This was a liberal arts friend that I was seriously attracted to. She was confused. Lesbian? Bi-sexual? Straight? Confused. She fell in with a bunch of disciples of a radical lesbian professor-poet. You can't be confused or bi if you are with them. There is no room for anything other than lesbian (smart and preferable), straight female (stupid), or male (evil). I think she killed herself.

So, whatever you do and whoever you are, be tough and take care of yourself. The rest of the world can take care of its own front yard.