The Bad Guy

Saturday Night Live makes fun all the time about Nicolas Cage and the bad roles he gets stuck with in the movies. I feel I can relate because I feel like I am stuck in this horrible movie, playing the role of the bad guy.
I do not know why, but I was always attracted to the bad guys in movies. I do not know whether it was that the bad guy always has the coolest accent, is usually rich, and has great power and a great sense style. Heroes are all the same, melancholic, with a disturbing past that has propelled them to try to save everybody else, and even though they always get the girl at the end, they also always feel the need to be apologizing for something. Villains don’t ever apologize for who they are. They are just bad and they have the confidence to let everybody else just deal with it. I guess it is that confidence of being who they are that I envy, for I really have not wanted to be bad. I guess I never believed that I had what it took to be the hero…so I got stuck with the role of the bad guy…and I am sick of it.
I did not ask to be gay. That is a choice I would have never made it. As I look at other men around me, I am so jealous. I would have loved to be into sports instead of fashion, to be into hanging out with the guys instead of going shopping…to be into girls instead of being into boys. I have never wanted to be me…and yet, who else can I be?
Now I have set the course of events in motion…and no matter how much I want to sacrifice for those I love, I feel that a certain scripted end is inevitable. I never wanted to hurt those I love and who have loved me so much…yet I have, and no matter what I can try to do, I can never take that hurt away. No matter what excuses or reasons I can come up with for all that has happened and what I have done, I will always be seen as the adulterer, gay husband…the worst of the villains, if there was ever one.
And on top of being stuck with the role of the bad guy, I also realize that I have been stuck with the role of the coward. I was never brave enough to come out of the closet before I involved other innocent people in my life…now I am not brave enough to make the decision, regardless of the final result, but at least being honest for once in my life and let everyone deal with it, no matter the outcome. Instead, I am sacrificing my chance at a new beginning, at finding happiness, and allowing my wife to find happiness regardless of how bent on saying that she never will she is right now. I am doing it because of the kids…will they appreciate it in the end, or will they judge me for not having acted? Or am I stuck just because I am afraid? I am scared for, inevitably, the bad guy always loses in the end, and more often than not dies. I am dying inside! What will be left of me? A bitter old gay man who was pushed back in the closet…how pathetic.
Ralphsnt69 Ralphsnt69
46-50, M
1 Response May 14, 2012

Wow I feel like you wrote an earful here. I can relate to you as a feminine gay man myself. I am mostly into shopping but not into sports or anything that anyone I know is into. But as for me I am only 23 and have never been married myself. My struggles currently exist with what the bible says against gays. I feel as though I cannot be me and open about stuff because of what the bible says about gays not making it to heaven. <br />
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I feel almost as if I am the bad guy here and that in the end I will loose it all for some life style that I never asked for. I have prayed and prayed and asked for so much direction that not even a biblical GPS could help me if they had one. I am at the point of no return where I just have no clue what to even do anymore. I am thankful that I don't have to waste anyone's time since I am not married and do not have kids. But this must suck for you. I am terrible sorry you have to go through this and I pray that you can find the peace of God and his comforting voice guiding your life in what he feels is the right direction for your life. <br />
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I as a person cannot judge nor condemn anyone just as Jesus himself would have never condemned anyone rather accepted them with open arms of love. As a gay person I have no reason to condemn anyone in the first place just to get this out there. I do not have all the answers. I am not God and I am not the savior who died on the cross. The bible was written many years ago for a reason but if we pray maybe God can look past sin and into our hearts instead. But this is something you have to pray about and ask God for his direction. <br />
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I feel as though ba<x>sed on what you wrote here it would be best if you came out sometime when you feel comfortable to your wife and kids. It would only be fair. I am here for support if you wanna just talk or have any questions. I am also out to my family and most of my friends. I must say your a very brave person for posting what I believe most of us feel on the inside about ourselves and our sexuality. All I can do as a person is pray that God be with you and me always guiding us in the right direction.<br />
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God bless for now- John