Reconciling My Inconsistencies

EP has been such a blessing for me for in it I have found a place to freely express myself.   But like in any community, one always runs the risk of being judged. 

I am at place where I am still barely beginning to understand myself. And as I explore EP and add "experiences" to my profile I am realizing the many inconsistencies in my life. As you browse through my profile you'll see the I am gay, yet I am still married to a woman.  I like boys, yet I am the father of two. I love Jesus, yet I love also big d i c k s.   I  am listed as a Christian, yet I love to play with myself. 

I guess to many I must sound like a hypocrite.  Yet, on the contrary, I am being as brutally honest with myself, first of all, and with the world. I am being as raw and transparent as I can be in the hopes that someone out there may look at my profile and go, "wow, I guess I'm not crazy after all for, look, there is someone out there that feels just the same way I do....and who is even as inconsistent as me."

So, borrowing from Britney Spear's great song "If you seek Amy" I'll say: "Love me, hate me, say what you want about me..." I will continue my journey, sharing with the EP community as bluntly and brutally as I can be, for only the truth can set you free. Hopefully you see me mature and, as time passes by, I'll be able to reconcile my inconsistencies.  
Ralphsnt69 Ralphsnt69
46-50, M
5 Responses May 19, 2012

God will reward your commitment to your wife and children. I am in the same predicament.

As long as you continue to accept the responsibilities of being a good husband and a good father, you have no need to feel guilty for being who you are. Don't get hung up on the "rules" that organized religions have devised for questionable reasons over the centuries. Being attracted to men is beyond your control, and admiring a big **** is normal even for alleged straights. 95% of all men **********, and the other 5% want to. <br />
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From what you have written here, I think you're one hellava guy, responsible and honest (at least with yourself and with us). Jesus would love you without hesitation.

Thank you do much. Your words are very encouraging

Thank you for your honesty and being part of the community that shares, and is vulnerable before all and God.<br />
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Am also gay and Catholic. And I have felt like the Church hated me for so long, and so deeply. However, I have long come to see the same sex attraction as a cross to bear, OUR cross to bear so that we become more like who Christ intended us to be.<br />
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Also, it's no different for a straight guy. He would have to rely on the HS to fight off temptations of looking at other girls/ ladies. And the brokenness that we experience comes from our fallen nature. But know that it's temporal. One day... we will be reunited with Christ! <br />
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Until then, bear this cross with joy and humility. And let it sanctify you dear brother.

Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement.

I have many conflicting feelings and beliefs as well and am trying to figure my life out-never feel skins

Never feel alone

i don't find inconstancy..i am both gay and catholic..i am so catholic..i participate and assist in the function of Sun Mass. no ..i don't find it inconsistent because i know Christ loves me just the way i am. i will be judged by how i treat others and how i play a roll in assisting other in this world. oh..and btw..the main pla<x>yers at our Mass..ie the lecturer, the Rosary leader, the head alter boy, the person that manages the sanctuary and sacristy and myself are all gay..hehe..we run the place..it couldn't function without us and we are very much appreciated.

That is funny!! I come from a hardcore Pentecostal background where being gay equaled going to hell...so for me it is becoming a process of religious detox to re-start believing what I have felt in my spirit all along. Thanks for your encouragement.