Christian, Gay, and Very Confused
It's strange that I'm coming out to people on the internet before anyone I even know, but that seems to make it easier. I've been a christian all my life, and I have always loved God, when I was around the age of 11 I found that I would do anything for God's cause. I've know all my life that I'm gay, but being a child I thought that I would find the perfect woman who I could actually find attractive - that seemed logical since I was a man, I would of course find a wife and have kids - but as I went into my teens I found it wasn't as easy as that.
I stayed close to God, carried on going to church, reading the Bible, and praying, I even had a girlfriend for a short period of time, but I eventually found that I only liked her as a friend, when it came to kissing and stuff I had no real interest. So we broke up.
During my midteens, I got baptised, still feeling that God was my everything, but after that I began to feel a sadness in my life. I didn't know why at first, but then I realised that I felt lonely. It finally hit me that being gay and christian would mean I would live the rest of my life alone. Slowly I sank into a depression, sometimes feeling close to God, but the rest of the time feeling dead inside. And I began to drift away from Him.
Eventually, it led to me experimenting with another man a few times, but I felt so guilty after that I sank even deeper into my depression. I still carried on going to church, I read my Bible less and found praying harder, I felt as though someone like me shouldn't be coming before God and asking for help. But at the same time I stopped seeing this other man, which wasn't hard since it was only physical, he was also a christian, we never discussed what we did, and never have.
When I reached exstreamly low points in my life, I would drink a lot - not often, but when I did I would drink a lot, just wanting to escape from the hurt I was feeling inside. And from here I slowly stepped further and further away from God, still loving Him, but feeling heartbroken at the fact that I couldn't have Him and a human partner. I would often see men I found attractive, and at one point I met a gay man that was interested in me that I found attractive, but I just kept telling him that "I was straight", finding it harder and harder to say it every time.
Two years passed of this, and I reached a point in my life when I realised that there wasn't anything in my life that made me happy. I had good friends, a loving family, I was studying something I really enjoyed, but I was alway unhappy. I was never suicidal, but I think that was only because I feared that if I died I would wake up in hell for turning away from God.
Eventually, I went to a doctors and asked him for help, to treat my depression, after being put on medication and councilling I'm slowly getting better. But I'm still so very confused, I want a boyfriend who I can love, but I feel as though it wouldn't be right, that God wouldn't like that.
I have heard many arguements, like: homosexuality not being allowed is only in the Old Testament and we should focus on the New Testament, or being gay is completely wrong, or you can have a same sex partner but you can't have sex with them, and many others.
I've heard more arguments than answers.
It would be good to hear what other christians in this situation think. And non-christians, too.