Here is what I want: (I know that the best way to get GOD to laugh is by telling him what you want and what you are going to do but...)
I want to love GOD without doubting him, I want a family with a loving wife and children, I don't want to be gay!
If it were that easy.
I am in the Army National Guard, I work for UPS, My background is Korean and I am the "first son" which pretty much means I am the top pla
My best friends in the world are my fellow soldiers in the ARMY and I love em like brothers funny thing is that I don't feel as if I really have any friends at all because I can't be truth full with them. I know that I should find some friends from church. Did that back in Inter-varsity Christian Fellowship and well I told this close friend I was gay... let's just say he got out of dodge. I don't blame him but it hurt and made me scared to make that decision again.
can I say that I hate gays!... hate is a strong word but I really hate myself and my homosexuality. Therefore I simply hate gays. I don't want to hate them but as a child I was always a softy and because of this I was called a ***. I have always wondered if being called gay everyday of your life will steer you in that direction. If it does then I have to hate gays... right?
Depression is not my sickness it is a chronic state of being. I can't put into words how bad life feels when you can't stand yourself. When you feel that you are a liar to everyone who means something to you. The fear that if you come out then you will face discharge, losing a good job, hurting family (this one gets me the most. I honestly believe that my parent's would die from that kind of news)
and still.... God has my heart. I gave it to him, I have felt him, but I even find myself cowering in his presence because I don't feel on equal playing ground. I expect for God to hate me because of what I am. I know he doesn't hate me but I would understand his hate. I have tried to change and I don't think I can. It hurts.
I know this post was jumbled, I just needed to get some of this off of my chest.