Confession Of A Gay Child Of God

Hey guys... this is how I feel sometimes... anyone understand?

 

 I am depressed again today.

I hate this feeling that presses me so hard and pushes me down beyond the lowest point of darkness. A darkness running from behind my eyes, through my heart into a bottomless hole in my being. This cavity is filed with a black bile suffocating me as it flows. Nothingness has a substance, it is called depression. What is the source of this bile I wonder? Maybe it is this conflict living in me. I cannot remember the last time I just laughed out of myself. These days laughter seems to be a polite jester to not offend people or the plaster I use to keep my mask in place. A mask of everything is ok and I am fine thank you for your shallow question. Sometimes I let this mask down to look at myself in the mirror of honesty and what I see scares me. This mask has been worn for so long that when I take it off my face is covered in open wounds and sores. My revealed self will be such repugnance for others, as it is for me, that it is better to keep the mask and the source of my sores on than go out into the world without it. I cannot stand this pain and fear anymore. It is gradually poisoning me with a fate worse than death; a living insignificance.

 

I realize that I hate myself. What I have become is everything I wish not to be, but the more I fight it the more I become it. If I ignore it, it will destroy me faster. My life is a constant fight to just survive for one more day and if I die my fate seems so unknown and so uncertain. To live a life of constant tiredness and fighting and then to die and face God as a complete failure and tainted being. I cannot anymore yet I cannot bring myself to end it all.

 

I am gay….

 

How I despise that statement. I ignore it, deny it, fight it, repress it, but cannot get rid of it.

 

I love God…

 

How I wish I could say that without this feeling of guilt and shame. How I wish I could do it as He wants me to do it. Why? I truly do try to love Him, but I keep on failing in this one area.

 

No matter how hard I try I cannot marry the two statements in my heart. I cannot deny either yet I cannot live with both. Is this how Abraham must have felt when he had to choose between Isaac and Ishmael?

 

Maybe I wish there was just one person, in this world, who would not go in a debate with me, but would just hold me through the night when these feelings commit genocide in me. Storms in this world I can weather, but the storm in my heart …

 

…I am so tired. So tired…

 

This is how I feel some days, the rest I am just num, in a haze carrying on through this world, surviving. I do love deeply those around me and care for them with all my heart. They are what make me continue.

 

God forgive me. God help me to believe in You.

JourneyJ JourneyJ
26-30, M
22 Responses Feb 11, 2010

I went through a period of crisis like you in my early years of Chritianity. You have to come to terms with these feelings. The break through for me was when I realized that criticizing myself and tearing myself down for my imperfections isn't doing God any good. Our job as Christians is to spread the word that God is alive and well and it's reflected in our works. Remember in the book of James where James says "What good is your faith if there are no works. Would you walk down the street and see a starving man and say" God bless you, I wish you well and then walk on? Faith without works is meaningsless faith." So put aside your self destructiveness (remember, self destruction is a sin, also) and just live the life that you believe in. Everybody has doubts that's why it's called faith. If you want certainty, open a book on mathematics .

PS. I also pray he gives us all wisdom about these desires that oppress and confuse so badly. That's the thing about God, the desires are only the symptoms of the root cause. I ask him for wisdom that he reveals what the roots are so he can guide us on how to have victory over it.

I agree with you in prayer that he will help your faith and you can just surrender and rest so that he can work to restore the deep painful places. Some things just need a bandage, some thing needs surgery. This needs surgery and intensive care and he is a great Physician :-) Let go and don't try to fix it yourself, hand it over and allow yourself to be vulnerable to him, he is gentle and has all understanding.

I am praying for you and all others in the same situation. I may not struggle with the exact same thing you do but I do know what that dark oppression, depression, and crushing loneliness feels like. You want someone to just hold you so bad that it's painful. And this evil just surrounds and taunts and torments and people don't understand and leave you all alone. It broke my heart when people I trusted abandoned me.

My prayer is that God will grant that love for you and hold you so close you can hear his heartbeat and feel his thoughts for you. No height, depth, system or power can separate you from the love of God not even satan's violation of torment. I just want him to wrap you up and nurture you like a mother does her baby!

In mys struggle though it came to a place where I simply had to give up trying to fix it myself ans simply be. Allow myself to just lie there in that painful place before his throne, accept my brokenness and need for God and that is when it started getting somewhere.

I mean, you are willing to sit here and be miserable than reject God and satisfy yourself in the world. THAT SAYS A LOT!!! I think he is proud of you! Believe me I have been tempted to this myself but then I thought, where else could I possibly go? Only God is the source of life and hope, where else could I possibly go, nothing in this world can replace him. This came from when Jesus asked why Peter and the rest wouldn't leave him like the rest, "Lord, where else will we go? You are the one with the words to eternal life!"

Those who trust in God will never be put to shame so if you hang in there, I know you will be alright. I pray for the protection of your body, mind and heart from these oppressive forces trying to crush you down. They do it because you are potential threat because you love God and they are trying to squash that.

I'm with you friend. I struggled with the same things but the key here is, never ever give up. On Him, on life, and on yourself. He loves you. This might feel like an empty phrase right now, but just hang on and He'll show you. There's plenty of things that await you in this lifetime. A nice job, ferrari, a wife, a kid, a family! I know the thoughts that goes on in your mind and guess what, God knows. I remember about a story about 1 trail of footprints on a seashore. Sometimes, we wonder if God is really there during these times. That we only see the our footprint on the trodden sand. Just ours. But we're wrong. Those are God's footprints. It is during those times that He carried you. I understand you. But don't give up. "After night, comes the light. Dawn is there" "At the start, He was there,In the end, He'll be there." He'll be there to see you cross that finish line. I will too my friend.With love and hope and faith :)

hey there,
May i suggest that you have a really honest moment. Try to take out all the feelings and thoughts and judegements that other people, particularly christians, have put upon you. If you can do that, as i did you will find that God loves you so deeply and innately on a cellular and spiritual. It doesn't matter what you do, who you are, what choices you make. NOTHING can seperate you from his love. NOTHING. I personally don't believe that it is sinful to be Gay if you live in a loving, truthful live with integrity and following CHrist. But that aside, A lot of CHristians have some how built up sexual 'sin' (Whatever kind, promiscuity, sex outside of marriage, being gay) to be this incredibly awful thing! If being Gay is a sin then it no different from lying, cheating, lusting, coverting someones sheep! :-) But I bet someone who thinks, "Wish I had a porche like his!" beats them self up day and night because of it. I'm not therefore saying that you justify sin and say its all ok but this concept that God can't get over you being gay is just not fair to you. God Loves you!!!! Hear it. He Loves you. And NOTHING, NOTHING you can do will change that. God weeps for you when he sees your pain. He wants to take that pain away. He love s you and it breaks his heart to see you in pain. Stop punishing yourself and let him love you and he will show you the truth of who you are, whatever that might be. God is love. There is NO condemnation for those in Christ Jesus!

Love and Peace to you

Hey buddy,<br />
You described me exactly in your story. I have spent so many hours and days hating myself, asking God why did he gave me this curse, and wishing I would not wake up in the morning. But after several years of counseling one of my counselors said I needed to try anti depressant medicine along with my therapy and I found a miracle drug. It is Pristiq but now I am on Effexor which is the same chemical formula but cheaper and it has been wonderful for me. For the most part these horrific feelings are gone for the first time in many years. I feel your pain and I emphathize with you but there is help out there. And, please don't turn against God. Everything happens for a reason and God loves us unconditionally, even when we are wrong. If you are born again and his child, He promises that he will never leave us or forsake us. He loves you and if I knew you personally I would love you to and help you to bear your burdens as we Christians are supposed to do. God bless you. I care.

I know how you must to be feeling, I´m gay, but, also I´m a Christian. I love, belive and trust in God. It´s no easy listen the preaching in the church or read the bible saying the homosexuality is wrong BUT you never should forget God is a God of LOVE he rules the universe and everything in the world, nothing is above of Him, a leaf can not fall if He does not aprove it, if He allows us be as we are because He has a purpose, I don´t know what is. He says in Romans 5:8-9 "But God demostrates His own love towad us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from wrath through Him."<br />
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Thats it´s what I think, a good friend of mine told me "ignore any judgement against you" don´t listen the voice of people who wants make a radical change on you, listen the voice of God

First, I must say this and I hope others who have posted an answer to your story will agree; There is no sin in being homosexual, the sin is in acting upon that desire. <br />
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That being said, I will discuss what we do a bit in more detail. I believe that ************ is not a sin. Others may disagree. ************ allows you sexual relief and it involves no one else. ************ can be done completely alone or with someone. Alone, I do not see any sin. <br />
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I am sure this post will bring loud cries of disagreement and in answer to that let me give two quotes: "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone." and "Judge not, lest ye be judged."<br />
And another quote just came to mind; "For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God."<br />
We are all human and have human frailties. Males and females were created to have sex, we are requested to go forth and multiply. Do not beat yourself up over sexual desire. Sex is normal. <br />
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Allow the thoughts to briefly enter your mind, then let them leave your mind. God understands you better than you do yourself.<br />
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God Bless you and be calm. He understands.

Thank you! Your message liften my heart and gave me hope. Especially about not separating from this community! i hear the loving heart of God in you. Thank you!

I have been struggling with this too, I don't know if God want to keep me this way, or is just a trial for me. I have been having this wrong attraction since I'm 13, trying to deny the fact till now, I'm 17, and I'm still the same. Sometimes I wish I cold just wake up and change the next day, but it doesn't.

Paul, one of the greatest who loved God, also struggled with doing that which he hated. He said the harder he tried to stop the worse it got. We all have some area in our lives that we hate being involved in that we feel doesn't please God. I also have learned to do as Paul did in order to overcome my many behaviors that I felt were not pleasing to God. I stopped struggling. I knew God knew my intentions of my heart were to please Him. I also knew that I could not change anything. I knew that only God could. So I finally turned it over to Him and believed in my heart that He would deliver me in His own time and way. When I slipped and fell I never let any thought or anyone put me down. I just got back up. Finally after a period of time I was free. It just gradually happened. There was no struggle any more. I kept turning it over to God and just thanking Him for loving me.

i am in the same situation as u are in i love god with all my being and feel so ashamed for what sin has done to me. sometimes i wish life would just end so that i can be with god before this thing inside me slowly takes over and takes me away from god that is what i am most afraid of this thing taking me away from god. i have realized for a while now that I'm not the same as other guys but i know this will just lead to me feeling more empty if i go down that path. I've been wearing a mask for so long now i to am afraid to look behind it i pray that god can forgive me for being so messed up. i know he never made me this way he wants to give me a better life i don't blame him for the way i am it is me some were along the line who has let sin corrupt me and all i ask is that god just bear with me that he doesn't give up on me, i love him so much and i never wanted to hurt him. he has given me so much a wonderful family who loves me great friends a wonderful life and i go and show my thanks by turning out like this I'm such a little brat and i pray that he can forgive me.

I cried when I read this post, I can feel your pain. My situation is slightly different, you see I am a devout believer in Jesus Christ and my son is homosexual and not a believer.<br />
There is nothing harder to have to try and reconcile than these two views. I love God and I love my son dearly. My son is severely depressed, barely comes out of his room and refuses to get help.<br />
It is such a HUGE topic in my life, how can I tell my son about the love of God when God says such things and harsh judgement about my sons life,? my son has always been a little feminent even when he was a small child, we had suspected it back then. Its like someone telling me to repent of my heterosexuality, it just doesnt add up. <br />
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One thing I have come to realize is that sin is sin is sin, meaning a homosexual sin is not greater or less than a thief , murderer, or someone with haughty pride it is ALL SIN TO GOD, I just see where it would be TERRIBLY DIFFICULT to repent of homosexual desires, maybe more than just stealing.....I am just ranting......the only thing I can truly do for my son is pray that God would have mercy on him.......what would my eternity be like without the ones I love here?????<br />
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May God have Mercy on all of us who are on this page and have to deal with this topic.Amen

I will pray for you and your son too. What helped me is that I know God understands. There are some great books that might help you.

Loving Homosexuals as Jesus Would. Chad Thompson
Counseling the Homosexual - Micheal R Saia

These two books are very good and very non judgmental.

It helped me get closer to God personally because I want to.

They are more for you than your son.

I wish I had the answers but I do not. I trust in Jesus and hold on to Him. All I know is that He is with me and He is the one I share everything with. My struggles and feelings and everything. That is all I know. And I hold on to the scripture: Rom 2:4 Or do you despise the riches of His kindness, and the forbearance and long-suffering, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?
THE GOODNESS ANS KINDNESS OF GOD LEADS TO REPENTANCE. It is Him loving me where I am that has drawn me closer and closer to Him. So, you loving your son where he is and praying for him is all you need. Sometimes when I struggle I do not hear God say I should do anything, I feel Him embracing me and accepting me. It is in those moments that I want to be closer to Him and I know that He cares for me. It is in those moments that all other desires die down and all I feel is God. This is what I have come to live for. God. I still struggle and still make so many mistakes. I am not nearly perfect, but rest in His perfect love.

Feel free to write me anytime.

J

Leaha,
You are so wonderful to support you son through this. I pray that my mum will come to have a similar attitude. Just for your own thoughts there is a really great site called soulforce.org that has a article called what the bible does and doesn't say about homosexuality. It may help you to help your son and other people (and yourself) understand. The thing that has kept me close to God despite persecution from other christians is that I know God is a a God of love. He chooses mercy over judegement and he made me. In his image. I am who I'm supposed to be.

keep loving :-)

You've made the best choice. I will be praying for you. I stuggle. GeorgG

I am a Christian who struggles with the same issues. It was my junior year in high school that I realized that I was gay. It's been a difficult struggle. I chose God over homosexuality, and I stand by my decision to this day. I have faith that He will not abandon me in my struggles, but will see me safely home.<br />
May God bless you, my friend.

Hey I'm sorry for this guys.. is it just me or is this whole Dennis Jernigan thing the biggest case of the Emperor's Clothes in the ex gay world? <br />
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I'm a male in my early thirties who has struggled with same sex attraction since thirteen years of age. Searching the internet for anything that indicates something other than Dennis being free and joyful, brings up very little.. <br />
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I honestly wonder if boards dealing with his ministry and testimony sensor anything that would suggest otherwise.<br />
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Watching his You Tube videos, he is clearly depressed throughout about 70% of them. His whole countenance is so heavy and labored.. at times he seems on the verge of crying.. and sometimes he does. <br />
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I told this to my Christian counsellor, who is married to a woman, with children, and has changed from a homosexual to heterosexual orientation. He's familiar with Dennis and said, "if what Dennis portrays is all that Jesus has to offer, go get a boyfriend."<br />
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He described Dennis' situation as one of horrible bondage. It makes me kind of nausseous to hear people talking about what a success story his is. How can this not be blatantly obvious to people? <br />
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I'm not arguing that people do not sometimes change from a homosexual to heterosexual orientaiton, I believe some do. I am arguing against Dennis' program towards freedom being anything other than a recipe for psychological, spiritual and emotional bondage. <br />
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The reason I'm so passionate about this is because of the lack of sane advice out there for people who struggle with their same sex attractions. My counsellor said it best, "when I was trying to find healing, I explored every ministry and bunny trial the church lead me towards.. around every corner I found (not nice person) and an idiot." <br />
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As a relatively young Christian that has struggled with this issue my whole adult life, I am coming to wonder if the One who's "yoke is easy, ,and burden is light," cares as much about sexual orientation as the rest of us do. <br />
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The evangelical church needs to get real and acknowledge that it has no easy answers for this. <br />
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In Him

Amen!!!! There is no easy answer. At the end of the day we are called to truth. Should we lie and pretend not to be gay in order to not make other christians uncomfortable. It is not possible to choose between Jesus and being Gay becuase either way you leave truth behind. Jesus is truth and he wants us to be truthful with ourselves and with him. Denial is useless.
I choose Jesus and I choose to accept who he made me to be. For me, that's Gay. And I have no doubt in my mind that Jesus loves me. God loves me. I am his and he is mine. If it turns out I'm wrong and it is a sin to be gay, I know my God is merciful and would not condemn me for doing something I believed to be right. He will judge my actions but he will not reject me for pursuing truth.

I pray that everybody could glimpse the merciful, ALWAYS loving, just and wonderful God I know.

i dont understand mine ethier i guess its normal, hope you find your peace too, good luck

Hey. @ moralescarlos6297<br />
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You are right, just stand strong. And remember that God is the one guy that will nver leave you or forsake you. I still do not understand my feelings, but I am resting in the fact that God is there for me and that He is the one that is there no matter what. That is all I know. It helps me to be less depressed if I realise that. <br />
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Hope you get your peace.

i am 16 but i completely understand everything you just said, i go through the same thing every single day but i guess all we can do is stay strong... i know it feels unfair that why are we gay when we try to have a relation ship with God.. i am confused and depressed to but i guess we must have faith god luck

I understand your struggle. I deal with the same issues being a gay Christian man, also. Its like being accepted by God, and God alone sometimes. I feel and relate to your pain. There are people who understand what you are going through and are willing to encourage and hold you up when you need it. Be strong my brother!

all i can say is:<br />
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John 3:16<br />
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For God so loved the world, that he gave his begotten Son, and that who ever beleaved in him will not perish but have everlasting life

Thank you both. <br />
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I am looking into Dennis and am trying to take off the mask. I do not know if I am ready, but am willing to try. For such a long time I have been trying to understand this and tried to be what people wanted me to be. I think I should go to God to take off this mask. Must be honest, I am scared stiff of Him at the moment. Not really sure why, but I just feel that I have been such a disappointment to Him. He has done so much for me and I have been so selfish, wanting to fulfil my own needs and desires. <br />
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Thanks guys. I appreciate the time you took to write to me. It means a lot.

Hey look, I am not going to judge you! I encourage you to look up Dennis Jernigan. He has an amazing story that WILL bring you to tears. He did a testimonial on Family Life Today in December and I'm sure you could still find it. If you have trouble, let me know, and I will try to find it for you. Anyway, I promise you will not be disappointed. I don't know what you are going through, but I am at a place in my life where I am begging God to pull the plank out of my eye. He was so merciful and gave me joy and peace for two days. I wish I could describe the feeling. It was euphoric - something I had never felt in my entire life. Anyway, on the third day I was in total despair. He revealed some things I had not bothered to see. I knew I had struggled with perfectionism and vanity, but I always tried to cover it up. I am tired of wearing a mask too, brother. I encourage you to take it off for good. If you want God's will, set aside time for Him alone. Fast & pray for however long He leads you. He will not fail you!!!!!!!