Struggling to Be Me

ever since i was little like 4 or 5 i knew i was a boy in a girls body, around age 8 i knew i was a gay man. I have struggled with depression from this for many years, im now 18. I am not girly in any way really. My parnets forced me to wear a lot of dresses and pink colors when i was growing up. I finally was hospitalized when my school councilor notied i was cutting my self and attempting to drown myself. I  dind want to live as a girl especially i no one in my family understood me. I have been diagnosed with GID Gender Identity Disorder. Im supposed to have a therapist and psycologist, but i move a lot and find it very difficult to find good ones and when i do my family moves and i go too. I have been looking into surgery. and just like my life it is no walk in the park either. turns out in order for me to have the sugery i have top one have A LOT of money and two i have to be in therapy for it for more than ten years before i get it.  I have a long and tretchurous road ahead of me. Most of the time i know its more than i can handle, I also live with conditions called GAD AD and PD, thats generalized anxiety disorder anxiety disorder and panic disorder. I dont like social situaions with other people, and i have panic attacks almost everytime i leave my house. I have to get a job and raise money for my surgery and its looking impossible for me right now.

I dont know anybody personally like me, but i've read about others who are. I wish someone could encourage and support me, perticularly my parnets and or family members but since i wont get that ill take it from strangers, ill take it from anybody.

I dream im a man at night a real man in a mans body. in my dream im happy. its like a huge weight has lifted off of me and i can be me without hiding without hurting myself to get acceptance, or ackowledgement. but as the day ends in my dream i cry because i realize that its not real. then i wake up crying and hope to god i wasnt crying in my sleep. i hope not to wake anybody. Because hevean forbid there should be something wrong with my parents perfect little angel. Straight A's and no trouble in school, my parents are in deniel that there is something different about me than my other sisters. sometimes i think they think im just a tomboy, and it brings tears to my eyes everytime i hear my parents say that to my family members. I guess being hospitalized and diagnosed with GID isnt enough to get my parents attiention. I even tell them im a gay man trapped in a woman's body, and all they do is smile at me and go back to doing what they were before. I think now that im 18 hey  are coming around a bit, im allowed to wear boy shorts and i cut my hair short. My mom was pissed about my hair.

I wish anybody and everybody else who is a gay man or just a man trapped in a womens body the best of luck. it is much more difficult to become a man than it is to become a women, and i dont think its fair. I dont think its fair that since people are stuck in the opposite sex's body that we should have to pay to become ourselves.

childcalledit childcalledit
26-30, T
18 Responses Oct 6, 2009

I'm sorry. =/
Why don't you think your parents would accept you?
Have you just flat out told them exactly how you feel?

You said you move a lot and that it's hard to find a good therapist and what not.
I used this site to find my wonderful psychiatrist. It has patients reviews and you can specify what type of doctor and what area you live in.
I think it's only for the USA though.

I would advise against surgery (but what do i know) but have you ever considered body building?

surgery's expensive, i'm poor for life. i'm just tuffing out life with what i got. life's a b*tch nothing i can do about it.

wish I could help I am actually younger than you but I like to keep my anomous because I want people to take me seriously

This store...your story, made me cry ): I am 19 and dont plan on getting surgery, but I am with you, I was a yaoi fangirl for years with no interest in women (to be a lesbian) or straight men (to be straight) and all though highschool thought that i was asexual, not desiring either of those gender assigned roles. I was so lonely and isolated in highschool, the depression ate me alive, I wonder if drowning ones self as a way of suicide is special to our community (ha) But feel extremely cheated on life, like I've missed out on so much of MY LIFE that was SUPPOSED to happen ): my first (gay) boyfriend, my first (gay) kiss, a loving caring relationship with someone like me (a gay guy) emotions flowing wildly, you and I didnt get any of that ): *hugs* have you considered trying to be a lesbian? I am 90% happy that way (or keep telling myself that, knowing I wont be a male in this lifetime) Do you want to be friends?

Dear child, thank you for writing your story...people need to know that life is miserable for some. What's up with those parents of yours? You have been given a difficult walk this time. I will carry you in my heart.....

thank god i was begining to think i was crazy and had it easy and not known, my therapist wants me to see the good in everything and quite frankly somethings just weren't ment to viewed like that, you learn from bad things too.

I just read what youve posted and i have to say im in the same boat as you are im female yes but being fourteen i cant do much about the fact mentally i know im male.My mother and two friends know my mom keeps saying maybe im just bi but im not into women in the slightest.My father doesnt know and im not planning on him knowing for a while but my mom said that no matter what shed love me and that if when i get older that its what i want shes fine with it.Im only fourteen and sure life gets tough but dont feel scared of who you are its something no one can take away from you.Your parents may go into denial or try and change your mind but give them some time and maybe theyll come into the idea and understand.Its gets better once someone you trust and care about knows and they dont judge you having at least one person know makes it alot easier.Suicide or anything isnt the answer it cant help only hurt and if someone judges you its because they themselves are suffering and having problems in their life as well.All i can really say is if im going thourgh this at this age and am still alive despite people who judge and all those who say its wrong im still alive im still me it will get better.

my dad just started calling me his son instead of daughter, it was wonderful! my mom gave me a necklace with a d on it for daughter and a matching one for her with m for mom. i think it is hard for her to "lose" a daughter she thought she had and she's still in denial or is hoping still for me to change my mind.

kermit no

I'm going through the same thing, all I want to is be in a mans body but no one understands me. My parents would NEVER agree to letting me become transgender, and i'd be too scared to come out of the closet. But I know I'm a boy! Even when I was little my VERY female friend asked me if I wanted to be a boy or a girl and I said "I wanna be a boy, but I think i'd still like boys too." :( I'm only 13 years old right now and I'm really struggling.

if you go into therapy you might hear this're young what you want later in life might change... or something along those lines. if you strongly beleive you are a man, let them know you are not going to change your mind this is permanant. a lot of people not just therapist think that at a young age we couldn't possibly know. but i feel that's when we know most of what we want. if you beleive you are a man in a women's body, you are transgender. you don't have to act like a boy or dress like it or go throughthe sex change if you feel it inside you are transgender. that is what transgender is, it is not just when you go through the changing process.
since you are onloy 13 i have some advice for you. you probably already know. it WILL get A WHOLE LOT worse before it gets remotely close to getting better. i can promise you that. being transgender and being diagnosed with GID (gender Identity Disorder) and growing up the way i did suicide and cutting were methods to which i turned to A LOT! i hope you never get to those points.

I cant believe I've found someone going through the same thing as me! I too have an anxiety disorder. I've been in the anti-depressents for 4 months now and I'm 18 but now your 19 or 20. anyways I am going through the same thing, I keep frustrating myself because I can't do anything about my body right now. I'm seeing a psychologist and even she doesn't really know what to say about it. I'm in a couple and I don't know what to do because I have too imagine that he's gay and so am i so its really complicated for me at the moment.<br />
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glad I found you :P<br />

Hi! you know? i'm like in the same situation as you i like only one way.. I'm like a gay man trapped in a girls body, and I thought i was alone. I'm like soo relieved to finally meet someone like me but i'm sorry you had to go through that. I just accept what and who I am for now, seeing as i can't do anything about my current situation coz i'm still like in High school (usually i cross dress outside of school, my parents don't mind).. But like there's the difficulty about relationships for me, I'm having the HARDEST time looking for gay people who would like a girl like me,,, or even a girl! I am soo happy that like YOU EXIST but not really proud of what difficulties were going through.. anyway, thanks for posting! luvvzz muchxx

I am so sorry you cannot get the support from the people closest to you.<br />
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Having said that, I AM very glad you came here and reached out for the support from someone....anyone!<br />
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You are very brave & kudos to you for being so strong and honest!!!!!<br />
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Best of luck

smteachersrule1 I know how you feel. I'm only a few years younger than you and I know for a fact I'm trapped. I haven't told my parents yet but all my friend's know. I do feel your pain though. I know there are a lot of people that look down on us b/c of how we act and dress but they can all go to hell. Because we are all who we are and we are all who we want to be!

I read your story and began my response, but that turned into a “personal story,” so I posted it after yours. To you, smteachersrule1, I want to add:<br />
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I understand your dreams because I do the same thing, only in my writing. I am happily my gay male character until the story ends or my steam runs out and I have to go back to being myself in this female body.<br />
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I do not understand the diagnosis of Gender Identity Disorder (as I don’t consider it a disorder but rather a realization of who you are), nor the requirement for you to have 10 years of therapy before you can have reassignment surgery, but perhaps this is a health insurance prerequisite. I know that, at 18, you are still dependant upon your family for many things. But you cannot wait around for them to accept you as you are. You need to accept yourself and move forward on your path regardless of anyone else’s acceptance of you.<br />
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I’m glad you have been able to make your outsides match your insides a little, and perhaps having turned 18 you will be able to do that more and more. I hope very much that you can have the surgery that you want soon. If you ever need to talk, I’m here. I understand much of what you are going through, although we all have to undertake our own individual journey.

I'm glad that you recognize the need for therapy.I can't tell you how to live your life,especially in such a serious matter,but it seems like you should be seriously thinking of making it your goal to seek Gender Reasignment.It is expensive but I don't think it takes ten years.You might try contacting the International Federation for Gender Education (you can google them)for advice and support.Good luck.

I echo every word expressed by KiwigirlAnj, and been living in my body for about the same years (+/- ) <br />
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There was a time, I thought life would be so much easier in a man's body, but then the sheep told me that the grass is not always greener on the other side. The more I understand the things my dad had to go through in his manly duty, in order to raise me and shape me into a worthy human being, the more I learn to appreciate myself, a female.

Wow! I've been in this body for 38 years, and I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that this is the one I'll be in on my deathbed.I've often thought that my life would have been easier lived in a mans' body,but as there will never be a way for me to find that out,I've learned to accept what I was given, and am still trying to make peace with my body issues.I don't think the struggle ever ends to find that acceptance of ourselves,no matter what sex we are.I wish you all the best,and good luck finding the harmony you deserve.Kia kaha(be strong), Anj.

Hey! Thanks for adding me as a fan. You must feel real confused. I can't say I know exactly what you are going through, but I know the feeling of being scared and hopeless, completely. I do not judge you in any way at all. I actually find your situation impressive. You make it through each day with so many ups and should look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself how proud you are for making it through the day. <br />
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I do believe something though. I think the older you get you will find it easier to be who you want to be. Being only 18 your parents still think you are 15 sometimes. Well, no, you are an adult and you have the right to do whatever makes you happy. Don't hurt yourself because you are special. Give time, time. Time heals all wounds and I believe that 100%. Sometimes, we want things yesterday though, right? I also believe doctors make to many names for disorders and sometimes I think it is just sensations that we have to learn to deal with. Like, for instance, panic attacks. Who is to say that it is a "DISORDER". We always come out of them alive, well, and unhurt. We might feel like **** for a couple of days, weeks, or however long afterwards, but give me a break. I think our minds are stronger then we give them credit for.<br />
For example, look at those people in other countries that can walk on glass and hot coal. They say we only use 10% of our minds. I recommend you getting in touch with who you want to be...if you feel like you don't know who you are. If the people that love you claim they do love you, they will love you no matter what way you chose to live. Sometimes, also, you just have to give them time to come around and accept things the way they are. I believe you need to make yourself feel good positively...with no strings attached (strings, as in your parents.) <br />
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Since you live with them they will say, "not under my roof"...right? That is the worst. It sux. And it is hard for you to leave the house, right? Lets talk more. Bye

Wow! I am not going thorugh anything like that, but I am going through some hard times with little support. So I wish you good luck, keep your head up high, and don't give up.