Struggling to Be Me
ever since i was little like 4 or 5 i knew i was a boy in a girls body, around age 8 i knew i was a gay man. I have struggled with depression from this for many years, im now 18. I am not girly in any way really. My parnets forced me to wear a lot of dresses and pink colors when i was growing up. I finally was hospitalized when my school councilor notied i was cutting my self and attempting to drown myself. I dind want to live as a girl especially i no one in my family understood me. I have been diagnosed with GID Gender Identity Disorder. Im supposed to have a therapist and psycologist, but i move a lot and find it very difficult to find good ones and when i do my family moves and i go too. I have been looking into surgery. and just like my life it is no walk in the park either. turns out in order for me to have the sugery i have top one have A LOT of money and two i have to be in therapy for it for more than ten years before i get it. I have a long and tretchurous road ahead of me. Most of the time i know its more than i can handle, I also live with conditions called GAD AD and PD, thats generalized anxiety disorder anxiety disorder and panic disorder. I dont like social situaions with other people, and i have panic attacks almost everytime i leave my house. I have to get a job and raise money for my surgery and its looking impossible for me right now.
I dont know anybody personally like me, but i've read about others who are. I wish someone could encourage and support me, perticularly my parnets and or family members but since i wont get that ill take it from strangers, ill take it from anybody.
I dream im a man at night a real man in a mans body. in my dream im happy. its like a huge weight has lifted off of me and i can be me without hiding without hurting myself to get acceptance, or ackowledgement. but as the day ends in my dream i cry because i realize that its not real. then i wake up crying and hope to god i wasnt crying in my sleep. i hope not to wake anybody. Because hevean forbid there should be something wrong with my parents perfect little angel. Straight A's and no trouble in school, my parents are in deniel that there is something different about me than my other sisters. sometimes i think they think im just a tomboy, and it brings tears to my eyes everytime i hear my parents say that to my family members. I guess being hospitalized and diagnosed with GID isnt enough to get my parents attiention. I even tell them im a gay man trapped in a woman's body, and all they do is smile at me and go back to doing what they were before. I think now that im 18 hey are coming around a bit, im allowed to wear boy shorts and i cut my hair short. My mom was pissed about my hair.
I wish anybody and everybody else who is a gay man or just a man trapped in a womens body the best of luck. it is much more difficult to become a man than it is to become a women, and i dont think its fair. I dont think its fair that since people are stuck in the opposite sex's body that we should have to pay to become ourselves.