Learning To Love Myself

I have known I was a gay man in a female body since I began to understand what “gay” meant—maybe when I was 10 or so. I play-acted in situations as a gay man but pretty much kept it all to myself, never tried to explain it to my family. I didn’t even really understand it; I just thought I had a great imagination that made me happy. At 18, I got married to “escape,” but of course, as the marriage was to a straight man, I only moved from one type of cage to another. After 13 years, I divorced and went into a LTR with a woman. I thought I’d finally figured out my problem and was happy in a lesbian relationship for several years.

I’m a writer and my gay-maleness has manifested itself in much of my writing. But I began to see my writing as my enemy and so quit that around the same time I got divorced. When I finally started writing again in 2007, all my gayness reemerged and, though it took me a year and a half to realize it, it finally dawned on me that I was a gay man. It took that long for me to finally understand and accept it as a fact and the truth of my life. This understanding also ended my LTR, but we remain best friends and she is a huge encouragement to me.

Accepting myself, however, is quite another problem and I am still struggling with it. I know that I am happier when I am allowed to “be” a gay man. When I read gay novels or write gay stories or watch gay movies. At 47 years old, I have made a choice not to undergo surgery, but rather to make the best of my situation. If I were younger, I would almost definitely have surgery, but as this realization came so far into my life, I’ve decided to continue in my female shell. In the past several months, I have gone through different attitudes as far as the people around me go. At first, I was afraid to tell anyone. Then I went through a **** them attitude: if “they” don’t like it, then tough. Now I am moving into an understanding that this is where I am in the universe, and everyone else is where they are, and whether they accept me or do not accept me makes no difference whatsoever. I must be able to accept myself. And I do accept myself to a certain extent, although I struggle a lot. I have so many frustrations with this physical body that I only barely like myself, and am far away from loving myself. However, I know that for me to be truly happy, I must learn how to do this.

I know I am rambling, but so much has been happening to me lately. The universe has put so many different people and ideas and books and websites—including this one—in my path. It truly is an amazing thing. It’s almost as if I hit the fast-forward button to getting myself figured out. Actually, I know I still have a long way to go, but the past few days have been brighter for me, and that is a good sign, I think.

I encourage anyone who is feeling any of the same things that we in this group feel to post here and talk about it. We can draw strength from one another. And it’s always good to know that you’re not the only one going through something. We are all a part of the same universe. We all exist for our own unique and specific reason. And discovering that reason can be a beautiful and glorious thing if we allow it to be.

RomanticRunner RomanticRunner
46-50, T
10 Responses Oct 10, 2009

I am a decade older than you but same line different verse. I got married early and all I knew to tell my husband was "I have a male spirit." That is as much as I knew. With the situation as it is, I can't think of any way to alter the physical universe and make things better. So I'm still married and discreetly enjoying mm romance novels and movies... I guess the only thing that would help the pain is having a friend or two who understood. Anyone I tell thinks I've got to be kidding.

hey<br />
i really understand what you said about your writing. I am a filmmaker and even though Im just 17 I have the same problem you have. In my films (animations) i express what I really feel but It makes me very afraid aswell, esspecially when my family sees it. I made a movie about a sort of gay guy <br />
who was being used by everyone but not seen as a real person and my family was really shocked and started to make mean gay jokes about it. So now I only make movies for myself . I have the same problem you have with being yourself, I am myself when Im in my own world, with my movies and books and music and art, but then I look in the mirror and I think 'how am I going to live with this?' It is very depressing, because I' m still not sure what I am. But it definitly helped to read your story and knowing that you feel the same way. xx

Hey there (: I'm 19 &lt;3 I am with you, I was a yaoi fangirl for years with no interest in women (to be a lesbian) or straight men (to be straight) and all though highschool thought that i was asexual!!!!!! Not desiring either of those gender assigned roles. I didnt learn until a year or two ago about how there are many different sexualities and conditions involving a person's emotional longing for someone, like lesbians born into men's bodies, and like us, gay men born into woman's bodies. I dont plan on having gender reassignment surgery, but feel extremely cheated on life, like I've missed out on so much of MY LIFE that was SUPPOSED to happen ): Anyway I was really depressed in highschool, feeling so lonely it ate me alive, but now I'm saving up for college and plan to be a film maker and director too!!! Would you be interested in being friends? (: btw I'm 90% happy living as a lesbian, do you plan on getting surgery? (i know ur post here is old but still lol)

Thank you honeypot612002. It is surprising and wonderful to find so many people who understand or who are going through the very same things that I am. It helps me so much to know that I am not alone. *hugs*

i wish u luck n success n love on your journey rr . boy dont i know how hard it is to be true to ones self. and to be accepting n loving towards yourself . good luck and bless you (i am always amazed at all of the same feelings we all seem to share it just blows me away)<br />
xoxo honey

Thank you for your comment, wansu. My job right now is figuring out who and what I am, accepting myself, and ultimately learning to love myself. I have gone too long without self-esteem, confidence, and self-worth, and I must find positivity and love for myself. The people who do and will judge me or try to tell me I am wrong are simply sources of negative energy, and I need as little of that in my life as possible, so I will have to leave them behind if they cannot change their opinion of me. I’m not sure who said the following quote, Bernard Baruch or Dr. Seuss, but it is so true: "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter."

I understand what you're going through, and it comes as a double edged sword. You will be able to learn so much about yourself and begin to really feel at home with yourself. But the downside is that you will have people in your life who don't understand and will judge you. In the long run it is best to be true with yourself. It maybe difficult at times (we are usually our toughest critics) but like you said, you have to grow and evolve.

Best of luck to you, too, Josie06. :)<br />
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I agree: sexuality and gender are two completely different things.<br />
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It's good to keep learning about yourself. That means you are growing and evolving, and that's the whole point of living, isn't it?

Yes, be true to yourself.<br />
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I can't begin to fully understand cause I still learn about myself everyday. I am a heterosexual woman in a male body. <br />
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Sexuality is not gender and sexuality is never easily understood by anyone. Unless your one of the folks who believe it's black and white ... which it is not.<br />
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Best of luck on your journey.

To Josie06: You are exactly of the opposite to us, indeed !
Pliz, check out my story here ("Eight categories......")

Thank you, fallingleaves59. I feel more free and yet often confused and frustrated. But as a whole, I am happier than I was.

Keep being true to yourself and you will find the answers you seek, I truly believe that...while I am new to my discovery, it has already set me free in many ways. Take it one step at a time, one day at a time, and thank you for sharing your story...