Becomming "me" For The First Time....

I have always known I was "different" from other girls/women. When I was young I wanted to be with the boys, play with the boys, be one of them, as I felt like a boy...and I was teased and ridiculed so I conformed to what a "girl" should be. I pushed down any thoughts I had about being a boy deep inside..I grew up in a rural community small town and didn't want to become the "town freak" so I just lived my life as I was expected to, as a girl, and did so for many years.

I met my husband in high school although I didn't know it at the time, we were best friends and we just clicked. After hs was over I moved away and we did not see each other for 4 years, just kept in contact as friends do, by letter or phone a couple times a year.

In college, I met my first "gay man" and we became friends, and are to this day. At the time he had not come out to me, and as we became closer, the desire to be intimate with him was more than I could bear. Eventually we moved away from each other and it was then that he told me in a letter he was gay...I was crushed. I have to explain that I had yet to discover my true self. I told my friend at the time that I loved him and would live with him, marry him, if that's what he wanted, I just wanted to be a part of his life...he wanted to discover his own self and so we just decided to remain friends, much to my heartbreak.

I then had other man friends whom I was close too, I never sought out women friends, I was not comfortable with women, it was always men I choose. And every one of them I found out in our friendships were either gay or bisexual. I didn't question this, loved them for the person they were, but felt drawn to them all the same. I never slept with any of them, I didn't want to ruin the friendships and the bond I felt with them.

Then my husband came back into my life. I had always loved him from hs and we decided to try a life together. Early in our relationship we discovered we had similarities. While we were in our relationship he shared with me that he had always felt feminine in many ways and I too, always felt masculine in many ways. So we were a perfect match.  The majority of our friends over the years, all male, guess what, turned out to be gay. We didn't realize this for many years.

Last year my husband "came out" to me that he was bi-sexual, which I accepted, knowing him and his feelings, it was no big surprise. And just this year has since became physically intimately with another male who is gay and we both care for, and he for us. While he lives in another state, the bond is there and we see each other whenever we can. I do not have a physical intimate relationship with him. But I want too. yet he is gay and even though he cares for me does not desire me that way, I respect that.

Again, this year, I met another man who I am extremely attracted to and have become close friends with. And he is gay as well..but he has a partner in a committed relationship. I have just shared with him my feelings and discoveries and am waiting to hear back on what he thinks, he knows me only as a "woman" who is a friend too, not my discovery of being a gay man inside this female shell.

Where does all this lead? I just now figured out that for every close long lasting relationship I have had with a man, he has been gay or bi-sexual, and the reason being a close need on my part to bond and be one with them. But I was a woman, right?

I didn't feel like a straight man on the inside but yet felt like a man, and it hit me like a lightning bolt that I was a gay man inside this female body. I like being around gay men, feel comfortalbe and as "one" of them. And once I realized that, all these feelings, memories, and really feeling like who I was supposed to be, for the first time in my life, all made sense and I have started to feel whole, for the first time in my life.

I can't give you all the details on how I know this, I just know that now, at almost 50 years old, I feel like I am truly husband is totally supportive and encourages my self discovery...I feel such a gift in him, he has always been there for me and me for him, and I wouldn't have been able to open up without his support, which I gave him when he came out to me. By the way we've been married 25 years now.

So what I wanted to find, online, was a place I could discover from other people, their stories, what their lives were like, and share experiences, feelings....that's pretty much it for now. And I have never been on a chat room or message board before so this also is a new experience for me. 

Thank you all for being out there.

fallingleaves59 fallingleaves59
46-50, F
7 Responses Oct 11, 2009

I don't feel I have a gender. I am attracted to men but feel like I am not truly a woman like other Hetero women. I think I wish I were a man, and would be a gay man because I wouldn't want to touch or be with a woman (just as now in woman's body). My body is not very feminine and I like working out. Men are attracted to me (Hetero men, often the feminine types), and probably some women. . Also I am a petite person, so automatially feminine that way. The good thing is I can be with my preferred gender as straight "woman"! I would rather be with a man as a man though, sometimes. Women are just kind of foreign to me, but I conform and adopt the whole girly thing at times, feeling fake.I then look down at my body and think- this is my body; I should just embrace what I am. Is it genderqueer all of this?

thanks for sharing your story which i have recently discovered is mine also...although i feel somewhat happy to finally realize what has been confusing me all my life i am also sad because i am over age 70 and only wish i'd been able to be who i am when i was young....i just posted my story and hope it helps others....

Thanks so much for your story! I'm trying to accept my 'gay man' identity but it's hard, as you can imagine. Really appreciate your honesty and input (:

I feel your acceptance will present itself at a time that is right for you in your life. Life gives us gifts and shows us our paths in a time of it's choosing. Just be true to yourself, trust your instincts and your feelings. I wish you peace and happiness always..

Nothing that I know of. I had mentioned to my husband it would be good to start something like that, but I know that takes a lot of work. I am still thinking on it.

Are there any gar bars or LGBT support groups in your area?

Thank You, it's good to know there are other people out there. I do not want to change my sex to male, rather to learn just to live with the feelings I of who I am inside of me...this is new to me, the REAL realization of who I was inside. I do, however, want somehow to bond with a gay man / men and have them in my me this is the most bonding I mean at this point, friendship, closeness and affection, I do not have any intentions of pursuing any sexual intimacy at this's just all too new for me...I can't however, deny it hasn't crossed my me, bonding in an affectionate matter is a totally different thing then sexual intimacy...I don't feel I am ready for that yet. The difficulty is where we live there are limited locations or opportunities to meet gay men other than online....

Welcome! I also thought I was alone in this, and it took a long time to figure things out. Don't feel bad about it. It's a very confusing way to feel. Are you OK with your female body, or do you want to take steps to be male? It's great that your husband is understanding of this.