I have always known I was "different" from other girls/women. When I was young I wanted to be with the boys, play with the boys, be one of them, as I felt like a boy...and I was teased and ridiculed so I conformed to what a "girl" should be. I pushed down any thoughts I had about being a boy deep inside..I grew up in a rural community small town and didn't want to become the "town freak" so I just lived my life as I was expected to, as a girl, and did so for many years.
I met my husband in high school although I didn't know it at the time, we were best friends and we just clicked. After hs was over I moved away and we did not see each other for 4 years, just kept in contact as friends do, by letter or phone a couple times a year.
In college, I met my first "gay man" and we became friends, and are to this day. At the time he had not come out to me, and as we became closer, the desire to be intimate with him was more than I could bear. Eventually we moved away from each other and it was then that he told me in a letter he was gay...I was crushed. I have to explain that I had yet to discover my true self. I told my friend at the time that I loved him and would live with him, marry him, if that's what he wanted, I just wanted to be a part of his life...he wanted to discover his own self and so we just decided to remain friends, much to my heartbreak.
I then had other man friends whom I was close too, I never sought out women friends, I was not comfortable with women, it was always men I choose. And every one of them I found out in our friendships were either gay or bisexual. I didn't question this, loved them for the person they were, but felt drawn to them all the same. I never slept with any of them, I didn't want to ruin the friendships and the bond I felt with them.
Then my husband came back into my life. I had always loved him from hs and we decided to try a life together. Early in our relationship we discovered we had similarities. While we were in our relationship he shared with me that he had always felt feminine in many ways and I too, always felt masculine in many ways. So we were a perfect match. The majority of our friends over the years, all male, guess what, turned out to be gay. We didn't realize this for many years.
Last year my husband "came out" to me that he was bi-sexual, which I accepted, knowing him and his feelings, it was no big surprise. And just this year has since became physically intimately with another male who is gay and we both care for, and he for us. While he lives in another state, the bond is there and we see each other whenever we can. I do not have a physical intimate relationship with him. But I want too. yet he is gay and even though he cares for me does not desire me that way, I respect that.
Again, this year, I met another man who I am extremely attracted to and have become close friends with. And he is gay as well..but he has a partner in a committed relationship. I have just shared with him my feelings and discoveries and am waiting to hear back on what he thinks, he knows me only as a "woman" who is a friend too, not my discovery of being a gay man inside this female shell.
Where does all this lead? I just now figured out that for every close long lasting relationship I have had with a man, he has been gay or bi-sexual, and the reason being a close need on my part to bond and be one with them. But I was a woman, right?
I didn't feel like a straight man on the inside but yet felt like a man, and it hit me like a lightning bolt that I was a gay man inside this female body. I like being around gay men, feel comfortalbe and as "one" of them. And once I realized that, all these feelings, memories, and really feeling like who I was supposed to be, for the first time in my life, all made sense and I have started to feel whole, for the first time in my life.
I can't give you all the details on how I know this, I just know that now, at almost 50 years old, I feel like I am truly me..my husband is totally supportive and encourages my self discovery...I feel such a gift in him, he has always been there for me and me for him, and I wouldn't have been able to open up without his support, which I gave him when he came out to me. By the way we've been married 25 years now.
So what I wanted to find, online, was a place I could discover from other people, their stories, what their lives were like, and share experiences, feelings....that's pretty much it for now. And I have never been on a chat room or message board before so this also is a new experience for me.
Thank you all for being out there.