Only Just Figured It Out

 I'm a feminine, slight, curvaceous woman who played with dolls as a kid and likes to dress pretty.

Another reason to know why I am female, or have female sexuality is that I doodle figure 8's (hourglass figures) and eyes.  These are known to be expressions of female sexuality.

However as a kid I hung out with boys.  I was so unhappy that I went to a single sex high school because I had to be "friends" with girls and there were no guys to hang out with. I just couldn't relate to the other girls. I was a late developer so didn't have any sexual feeling toward men until I was about 18.  I have never had sexual feelings towards women.

When I take brain gender tests I come out male.  Many people both male and female friends tell me I am not like other women.  I never really know what they mean by that.  I am attracted to men, I like everything about a man's body and sexually that is what turns me on.  To me there is nothing sexually arousing about a woman's body except what I see of myself in it.  I have just come out of an 18 year marriage to a very 'female' man.  At first this seemed to work well.  Then I guess he became uncomfortable with not being alpha and it stopped working.  I am not attracted at all to the typical hairy alpha guy.  They don't seem to be attracted to me either.

I guess I am some kind of gay man trapped in a woman's body.  I don't want to have a man's body I am happy with the body I have.  I just have a man's brain and a man's heart, and that doesn't seem to sit well with manly men.

One of my closest friends is a man (I was his best woman at his wedding).  At one time when he was adolescent he thought he was gay, but he grew out of it and is happily straight.  But in many ways he is my mirror image, a highly functioning masculine man with a female brain, in the way I am a highly functioning feminine woman with a man's brain.

Nowadays, since becoming a mother I make much better women friends and I am happy for that. But even my close women friends are happy to say they value me for my "non-female" qualities.

Single again I would like to find another man.  But I need a man who can relate to me, who likes my body to be feminine sexy, but my mind to be male - is that possible?

oystersx oystersx
46-50, F
5 Responses Oct 21, 2009

What would you do if men held your arms behind your back, unbuttoned your shirt then repeatedly punched you in your belly? What if they jabbed your boobs over and over. Would you prefer bellybutton punches, lower belly punches or to the solar plexus?

my question is why persons that feel like a gay man in a woman's body are not atracted to submissvie men, they can be an alternative to gay men or not? . Or a gay man trappend in a woman's body is atracted especially by the fact that gay men are very feminine while submissive men are not necessarily feminine?

Oh my Gawd you have just described me to a T! It is really complicated for me because I am gifted with the best female assests( the "girls"and the body I am told is sexy) however my attitude has always been ..o..okay. THe attention is baffling for me because at first glance I tend to attract alpha males but I am never interested in them and they soon realise that something is just not quiet right because inside I am a flamboyant self assured gay man! I am happy with my body and I am not bothered by my female form. I have always been attracted to feminine men and I have been happily married to one for 13 yrs.<br />
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But it was not easy growing starting to be attracted to boys but deep down knowing its a different kind of attraction..girls are supposed to like boys right? Its been a journey of self discovery and I had to move to Europe to find my twin flame.

Thank you so much for your story. I can see so much of myself in what you are writing. I too feel male, but like to dominate and am totally not attracted to alpha guys. I struggle quite a bit at times with how I feel, but the truth is I LIKE my body. I don't see why I should change, I was born this way and it's part of me. I get very annoyed with many of the associations that are put on us as male/female.. I do not see myself as stereotypically female at all. I'm sure there must be guys out there who don't want to act the dominant part etc. Although, we broke up (for different reasons), my first love taught me that I can be happy in my own body and play the 'male' role etc, without actually being a male. I hope I find this in the future and I hope you find peace too :)

I empathize very much with what you are going through. My youth was spent playacting male roles, but whenever it came time for a "love interest" in my pretending, that was always male as well. I understood myself then, but as I grew up, I suppressed and repressed my true self.<br />
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I am happy to finally understand and begin to accept myself, but that realization turned my life inside out. Now I have the same sort of questions about finding a partner. I wonder if there men out there who are gay or bisexual who can accept me for what I am: a gay male in a female body. I hope so. :)<br />
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I wish you peace and happiness on your journey. Thank you for sharing your story.

I am also a gay man trapped in a female body....and I also wonder if there is a possibility to find the type of guy who will really want me for what I am..because all men I used to datr turned out to be gay so they came out of the closet and left me because obviously I am not a male!!!