Everyone Thinks I Am Kidding

To me getting dressed up and putting on makeup is like drag. I don't hate makeup or having boobs but I feel like its a persona. I never admired women as a child.  I convinced my dad to get me a bomber jacket so I could pretend I was  Murdock from the A- Team.  I had a long trench coat and would pretend I was John Bender from Breakfast Club when I walked outside to classes. My first and to this day only serious relationship was with a gay/ bi man who let me top. It assured me of what I was. In my life I have also come to realize that everyone I get close to tends to be gay or lesbian. I always feel like the LGBT community is where I am most at home but I am not a lesbian. I tried it, to see but it was not me. Women are fine as friends but not for relationships. I have told people before they think I am joking. I have thought about becoming a man before but  two factors stop me. The first is my desire to have a child one day. (That whole pregnant man thing was dumb. If you can still get pregnant and carry a child you just look like a man. You aren't one yet. I don't want that. Please understand this is my personal feeling I respect your right to disagree.) The other reason ties into the last. Science has not prefected creating a fully working penis. They don't have full sensitivity. They don't function as well as the real thing and the doctors have to take graffs from your arm and thigh to make it. It is painful and takes a long time to heal. That is why many FTM Do all but get that final surgery. To me it is not worth it without that. I know my feelings are harsh but I can't help it. The truth is there are days I want to dress like a biker, others in a pin striped suit ,and other ( though more rare) in a ball gown. Through it all I know I Am a Gay male top in a woman's body.

lastkissgdknight lastkissgdknight
4 Responses Feb 9, 2010

I try to dress like a guy but it is hard when you inherit size D from your mom it kind of sucks

I may only be 17, but I feel a great sense of relief in the fact that there are others who feel the same way. I wear suits and tuxes regularly & it makes me feel far more comfortable than a dress does; most of the time. There have been occasions where I felt down right sexy in a pencil skirt or dress. But reading this also makes me feel better about feeling the way I do about gay rights & having LGBT friends. Thank you SO MUCH for sharing. :)

OMG! I feel like I just read my own story! Right down to the bomber jacket and trench coat part! I've never really thought too much about this aspect of my personality, just figured I was a weird girl. For some reason today I got to thinking more about it (I think it had something to do with a book I recently read where two men shared a kiss and it turned me on) Anyway, I've never really had many female friends, I just don't seem to relate to them at all. I've always felt male on the inside, but not to the point that I want to physically alter myself to be male. I'm actually married to a man, but aside from this relationship, at least 2 of my ex boyfriends turned out gay or bi, possibly another 2 as well. I never even knew this being a gay man in female body was something anyone else had experienced. I've said it before to my husband and he always thinks I'm kidding, even when I flat out say I'm serious. It's such a relief to find out I'm not alone.

I enjoyed your story, lastkissgdknight, and I feel so much the very same way! I know I am a gay man. But after researching the hormones and surgery, I have decided transitioning is not for me. I am not happy with my body, and I am working on making it more masculine. But having a real, actual, fully functional penis is not medically possible—not yet anyway. So I am going to work with what I have: a body I can change with diet and exercise and accessories and a store-bought ****. I wish you much luck in your life's journey. Please keep me posted. *HUGS*