I Am So Lost

When I was growing up I was a tomboy. I loved to play sports with the other guys. When my mom would buy me dolls or barbies I would blow them up with firecrackers or tie bottle rockets to them.  I hated wearing dresses or skirts. When I was forced to wear them I would wear shorts under them so I could take them off as soon as possible. When I hit puberty I cried. I hated everything about my body. I wanted my skinny body with no breasts back. All the other girls were excited about wearing make up while I have never worn any to this day. It took me awhile to figure out I was a gay guy in a girls body.

In high school i never fit in anywhere. I was still a tomboy and my favorite outfits were jeans, t shirt, sneakers and hoodie. Sometimes I would think hey maybe I was a guy, but then I would look at girls and go ewww. It took me until age 20 to figure out what was wrong. I wasn't suppose to be in this body. In my high school there were no gay guys out of the closet because of it being in utah. i wish there would have been because I have no gay friends and have only meet two in my whole life.

All I want out of life is to find my partner and have a happy life. Unluckily for me I can't pass as a guy if I tried without hormones and surgery. This is a problem because I am afraid if I do the hormones and surgery the other gay guys won't accept me because of the way I look. that I won't find a special guy that can love me for who I am. Part of me is thinking maybe I should deny that part of me and find a straight guy to marry. Either way I am not able to give a guy all that he wants. For a gay guy I would be coming up short by not being in the right body and for a straight guy I would be short on the right mind. Everyday I wonder why was I born in the wrong body and how lucky the other gay guys are. Even if some people are retarded and can't accept them for who they are at least they are in the right body.

It is very lonely for me right now. I live in utah and grew up mormon. Growing up I was taught being gay is not normal and unacceptable. Nobody knows that I am a gay guy. At least my house wasn't the typical mormon household because my dad is a mason and my mom is unactive in the church. I think if I told my parents my dad would kill me and my mom would never speak to me again. I don't think my sisters would understand either. I have any two close friends and both are really in the church and if they found out the truth they would never talk to me again. Sad that so many years of friendship would mean nothing to them. So I am holding this big secret all by myself and just want someone to talk to that understands what I am going through.

lonewolftiger lonewolftiger
22-25, F
10 Responses Feb 18, 2010

Usually these sob stories don't really get to me, in fact I think they're silly and self-pitying most of the time. But I feel something for you. It bothers me, when people are ostracized for something that's beautiful and unique about themselves. And it was hard to hear how unsympathetic all of your friends and family would be. Because really what you want isn't really different from what everyone else wants- just to find someone right. I'm sorry I don't have any solution for you, or support really, I just wanted to say I understand- I feel the same way.

I am a free thinker, and I have learned to accept and understand things through my own reasoning and personal experiences.<br />
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I truly believe that our souls have no gender. Since we live many lives (through reincarnation, as I personally believe), we may bring subconscious feelings, which may be very strong (some of them being stronger than others), from a recent experience we had in our past life/lives.<br />
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I'm a guy in the current physical life, but there have been times when I wished I was not, just because I appreciate femininity so much. I don't like guys at all (in fact, I've never bonded with a guy in my entire life). I love women and am straight (I am 100% attracted to them). <br />
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I keep my skin soft, and I have always shaved my body (including my legs). I don't crossdress other than wearing thongs (they are the most comfortable thing ever). <br />
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I have learned to find inner balance, and I am very happy with it. I am comfortable by loving myself the way I am and having girl friends who appreciate my male and female sides at the same time.<br />
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After all, we are male+female. Just because our bodies are the way they are it doesn't mean our soul identifies itself with that same gender. Sometimes, we want to explore one of these 2 sides more than the other because that's how we feel.<br />
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Time is relative, and I believe some day I will have another bodily experience somewhere else. In the mean time, I have found comfort in enjoying both sides of me right now.<br />
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Love yourself, you are beautiful the way you are. And you are not this body, you are a soul who can "shape" yourself in any gender you desire.<br />
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Surround yourself with positive people. And find friends who appreciate you just the way you are. A guy who appreciates both sides of you and loves your soul would be an interesting friend to have.<br />
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Thank you for sharing. Smile always :)))

This is the hardest part of it all - that one feels in between and cannot fit in into a proper category.... I have felt like this my entire life..... and was very lonely coz of that. I am so glad to have read your story....... it is so close to what I have experienced.....

Hey guys, I just wanted to say thank you for giving out so much hope. Your comments are all really inspriring and motivate me to feel better about myself and the future. We'll all get there, eventually. Stay true :)

Thanks for your comments. You guys have given me hope that some guy out there might accept me for who I am. That is one of my biggest worries in life. I will have to look at these websites. I am so glad that there are other people that are going through the same things I am.

Thanks! You may already know about these, but genderfork.com and Queeries are two great websites. They helped me feel less alone.

Thanks Wansu for your comments, they are refreshing and full of hope!<br />
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Update on my situation. I have met one woman and 3 men on different sites. All 4 of them have accepted me for who I am and understand how I feel. At this time I am continuing to converse with them, getting to know them and hope to meet more people. There are so many genuine people out there who just want the same thing we all want. To be accepted first of all for who they are, and to find that one special person to share their lives with. <br />
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My husband's situation and I continues to be strong. We support each other (he is bi-sexual) and have been both helped by those we have met and conversed with. May you continue to learn and grow and hang in there, be yourself, and be true to your heart and spirit! As one of the men I converse with always ends his messages, "may you walk in love and light" - I wish the same for all of you.

Falling Leaves is right, there are a lot of people out there like us. I was also stuck between genders, too much of a man for straight guys but too female for gay ones. That's how it was for the majority. But there are guys out there who will appreciate those two aspects of you. I found a guy who's bi-sexual and was able to appreciate my masculinity as well as my biological parts. <br />
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There are a lot of ways to express the boy inside without hormones or surgery. Clothing, mannerisms, binding, packing, and voice exercises are all relatively easy ways that won't give you drastic results. Plus all those things can be undone for granny's birthday party.

Thanks for the support. I am glad you understand that I can't tell my family and friends. Some people tell me to be who I am supposed to be and not care what other people think. I totally understand their point of view but everyone I am close to have made their opinions very clear on what they believe. None of them would understand or stand by me. I think it might be a little different if I was a gay guy in a guys body, but I think the transgender thing would be too much for them to handle.

Hang in there. whether you desire a man or woman in your life, just keep looking and getting to know people. I have learned just in the past couple months that there are a lot of people out there like you/me. And you don't have to share that with anyone if you are afraid they will not accept you. Talk to those you know, or sometimes strangers too are welcome because they will listen to how you feel and not judge you because they don't know you. You can share things without giving your name, where you live, that type of thing. So look aroudn and find some online sites and start chatting with others. We have met some wonderful friends on line and amazing how much it's like looking in a mirror when they share their feelings. I hope this helps..