The Bad Guy

Saturday Night Live makes fun all the time about Nicolas Cage and the bad roles he gets stuck with in the movies. I feel I can relate because I feel like I am stuck in this horrible movie, playing the role of the bad guy.
I do not know why, but I was always attracted to the bad guys in movies. I do not know whether it was that the bad guy always has the coolest accent, is usually rich, and has great power and a great sense style. Heroes are all the same, melancholic, with a disturbing past that has propelled them to try to save everybody else, and even though they always get the girl at the end, they also always feel the need to be apologizing for something. Villains don’t ever apologize for who they are. They are just bad and they have the confidence to let everybody else just deal with it. I guess it is that confidence of being who they are that I envy, for I really have not wanted to be bad. I guess I never believed that I had what it took to be the hero…so I got stuck with the role of the bad guy…and I am sick of it.
I did not ask to be gay. That is a choice I would have never made it. As I look at other men around me, I am so jealous. I would have loved to be into sports instead of fashion, to be into hanging out with the guys instead of going shopping…to be into girls instead of being into boys. I have never wanted to be me…and yet, who else can I be?
Now I have set the course of events in motion…and no matter how much I want to sacrifice for those I love, I feel that a certain scripted end is inevitable. I never wanted to hurt those I love and who have loved me so much…yet I have, and no matter what I can try to do, I can never take that hurt away. No matter what excuses or reasons I can come up with for all that has happened and what I have done, I will always be seen as the adulterer, gay husband…the worst of the villains, if there was ever one.
And on top of being stuck with the role of the bad guy, I also realize that I have been stuck with the role of the coward. I was never brave enough to come out of the closet before I involved other innocent people in my life…now I am not brave enough to make the decision, regardless of the final result, but at least being honest for once in my life and let everyone deal with it, no matter the outcome. Instead, I am sacrificing my chance at a new beginning, at finding happiness, and allowing my wife to find happiness regardless of how bent on saying that she never will she is right now. I am doing it because of the kids…will they appreciate it in the end, or will they judge me for not having acted? Or am I stuck just because I am afraid? I am scared for, inevitably, the bad guy always loses in the end, and more often than not dies. I am dying inside! What will be left of me? A bitter old gay man who was pushed back in the closet…how pathetic.
Ralphsnt69 Ralphsnt69
51-55, M
3 Responses May 14, 2012

You have a lot of internalized homophobia. I hope you will transcend the negativity and step outside into the sunshine of self acceptance.

You pretty much just labelled every fear I have in this life...I didn't choose my orientation but all things aside I live a straight life. I hope you find resolution, because that would give hope to this young man.

Wow!This sums up so many of the same emotions and questions that I have been asking myself for so many years now love to talk more on this