Molested Straight.

I was mollested by my brother from age six and up until I was sixteen. That was ten years of hell, brought on by sodomy. Once the Stockholm effect wore off, I learned to hate gays.

I had countless journal entries in which I'd written entire essays about the evils of homosexuality and the 5,001 reasons that I hated them. I didn't only hate them, I was terrified of them. If someone came out to me, I would refuse to speak with them after offering a few choice words about the effects of sodomy on the soul.

After a very defining and traumatic point in my life, I was left in an extremely ugly mental state. Not long afterward, I found an addiction to sodomy (my psychologist explained this as a digression back into my childhood) and not long after that, I found my first girlfriend and we got back together.

She put me through hell.

Everything I did was either wrong or ungodly because I wasn't enough of a man for her. She was suffocating me. 

Furthermore, the sex was simply disgusting. The fluids that women excrete disgust and terrify me in every way. I couldn't stand it. Due to my disgust in combination with my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (a result of the sexual abuse) I would scrub myself raw after every sexual encounter. My supportive, loving ex would tell me I'm being a wimp and that I need to learn to please a woman.

I don't know why I started hanging around "boy's town." I would watch them every day. Something about them simply fascinated me and still, I made a great effort to be unapproachable.

That was where I met Roger.

It started small. He would counsel me. We would talk about my relationship and why it bothered me. He posed an interesting question. It went something like this,

"So, you say you're distgusted by the sex. Was that the case when you were addicted?"

He used events in my own life to make me question it. Subtly, he convinced me of the obvious fact that there was nothing wrong with what was going on around me. Eventually, I was more eager to go out to see him than I was to go home to my girlfriend. That eagerness rapidly developed from an enjoyment of everything he had to offer; insight and enlightenment, to a desire to see him because he was the only one who really cared about me and who really helped me to so much as begin to recover from what I'd been through.

It has been about six months since then. The girlfriend is gone. I am with Roger. I am 22 and I finally know that I am gay. Roger once told me that the first and hardest step of the "coming out process" is coming out to yourself. I could not agree with him more. Yet, in six months I've gone from being terrified and embarassed by an infatuation to being madly in love and very open about it. On Thanksgiving, I see my final obstacle: baby brother (Who was also scarred from our older brother's sexual abuse). I'm hosting the party and I'll be sure that before the end of it, my entire family knows.

The brother who raped me already knows. He laughed at me. He said he only did that because he was young and stupid and insisted that I've never grown up. He isn't even worth the time to respond to. what he did to me forced me into a very dark closet. I attempted to kill myself twice. I've injured myself more times than I can count. I've been out drinking more times than I can count. Finally, the hell is over.

I am gay and I am in love. There is not a feeling on Earth that can truly compare to it. I have fallen harder than I knew was possible. I am completely enthralled by him and finally, I don't feel the need to be involved with a female, which was the equivalent of self-torment.

There is a very good chance that he saved my life.

HighYouCantSustain HighYouCantSustain
22-25, M
27 Responses Oct 27, 2009

You are being foolish and rellishing in your fake sexuality. I am straight and my lesbian mother tried to make gay. It might make you feel better but in the end it isn't right.

I hate abuse and abusers in general whether its sexual, physical or mental to me abuse is wrong and I think that what your brother did to you and your younger brother was very low and disgusting. On that note, I am so happy for you , I am happy that you survived and found someone who has helped you heal. I hope that you continue on this path towards well being and that you find everlasting happiness. You are a strong person I wish to you much love and happiness and good health. Take care.

damn glad you were strong enough to survive! and in my opinion the brother that raped you should be in jail and go to hell at the same time

Good for you! Embrace who you are! Congrats on your happiness, love the story and realness!

I am happy you are healing and learning to be happy. Keep on the path to healing.

fab well done hope you have a happy life

I truly admire you as well. I can't imagine what it feels like being in that "closet" and I definitely don't understand how you can still meet your brother face to face. I don't think I would have handled it with so much dignity as you must have done.

omg, this story :')

Similar story... I was molested between the ages of 4 and 13 by a relative that was 17-25. He is "straight". The best way I can describe my emotional state was if someone went into the library and dumped all the books in a big pile and I had to sort them all out and put them on a shelf that made sense.First I had to look at each issue, one by one and identify it so I could place it on the shelf. It took a long time and I had many breakthroughs and memories to deal with. I also had to accept I was gay... I would disassociate if I even heard the word gay. It was like I would black out for a second or two. It was a long journey of self loathing and self hate. I tried to commit suicide when I was 13. <br />
I came out when I was 35... it took me that long to accept who I am... That I was only 4 years old when this guy crammed pick up sticks down my privates. Put my hand on a hot steam heater and molested me. Not my fault... I was 4<br />
I'm proud of who I have become... I married my partner now of 16 years in Provincetown Mass the first day it was legal in the US. <br />
Accepting who you are and respecting yourself is the greatest thing you can ever do for yourself. I wish you the best of luck and don't pin your self worth to another person, you in yourself are all you need then share that love with another.

You my friend may very well become one of what is becoming fewer and fewer gays who truly know how to really love. <br />
What interested me the most, very little of what you said here was sex driven, it was heart driven. <br />
Now, I have read so very many stories here about being gay, most all of them are from a sexual aspect. But this one, it has a "wow" affect, this one did not go on and on about sex, instead, it went on about love. Now that is why I say, you may truly learn how to truly love, I read a huge heart here, I hope I am right.<br />
<br />
I wrote in a comment about the difference between a lustful male and a real gay. A real gay can love his/her partner for every reason and still love his/her partner for life even if sex was void. A lustful male is lost after the lust has worn off, the lustful males are the ones who always end up alone.<br />
<br />
Bravo with my hat off and a bow to you my friend, sometimes the worst brings out the brightest light in a mans soul.

Great story of personal triumph. Good for you!

Wow....I appreciate your very honest and straightforward story. I must admit, If you were in a city close by, I would love to have coffee with you. I very much admire how you were able to get the help that you needed. Not only the help and support, but your strong desire to change yourself. Great joy is shared to you. You are a true survivor!!!! Please stay in touch..........

I am proud of you. <br />
I also was abused sexually as a kid and understand that dark closet you were in. <br />
I was in a different kind of closet next to you. <br />
Keep strong and keep your head high. <br />
You are awesome.

dude, your chilhood was harsh, I hope your ok now :)

I THINK YOU ARE AMAZING . And I hope everything goes well in your life oh and dont bother with people trying to get all psychic on your *** by telling you that your letting your brother win by chooosing roger. He gave you support and understanding and love and i give you my love and I am telling you to do what you feel is right for you. **** the haterss !!! : P

I have a similar story. <br />
<br />
I was molested and tortured by my older brother for 6 or 7 years. but, I knew I was gay then (didn't know it had a name) it made the rape slightly more bearable but it was still what it was.<br />
<br />
These early years have turned me into a depressed recluse in my forties. Luckily I met a wonderful man 20 years ago and we are still together.<br />
<br />
Nice to meet you and thank you for sharing your story with us.<br />
<br />
It took me 46 years of feeling guilt and shame for what happened until I realized it was not mine to have. So when I talk about it I am giving it back to my abuser. I WAS THE VICTIM not the molester.<br />
<br />

wow that is all i can say. I'm watery eyed...blurry vision...that's nice to read...:) u ur friends with lightyagami <br />
<br />
any way i'm bi maybe gay but thought your story a real inspiration thank you

I just came across your experience. I am a gay man, always have been; your story goes from horrid to beautiful. I've been in therapy a couple of times in my life and also been part of a gay group therapy session for quite a number of years. Regardless of what some others have to say here, no one can make you gay. They can molest you and scar you on many levels, but they can't make you gay. Our sexuality is not something that is tortured into us. Your brother is a criminal for what he did, my brother used to find it amusing to suffocate me for years on end, however, I was gay then and I'm gay now. You know inside who you are. I applaud you and think you're an amazingly strong person.

yes because there are striaght men that were raped by men and they are still straight today.

So your brother molested you and then you had a girlfriend who was a ***** and so now you are embracing the behavior of your abuser through someone who "counseled" you who now is abusing you just as well. I am truly sorry for you. The reason being is that you so clearly want to be whole but the problem with molestation is it takes something from you whether it be a woman or man SS or not. However it is very clear that your your orientation is a result of your sexual scarring. You are fooling yourself if you think indulging in it will make you whole. It may make you feel better for a time and then you will get so totally disgusted with yourself that you will be back where you started or worse. I had a friend who was molested by his uncle, he changed after that. Now he thinks he is gay. Isn't that such a wonderful thing? Your brother wins. The uncle wins. Yes and you get to run around wearing rainbows as if you really deserved the pain they put their victims through. <br />
<br />
You can be free and you can be whole. Don't give up and get the hell away from Roger or you will never come to terms with your molestation but remain forever trapped. It is your choice. You are young don't let your abuser take the rest of your life away from you.


This may not be your fave response but Roger may be guilty of a conflict of interest. You don't say whether Roger is equally in love with you or more importantly whether he is still your counselor. Hopefully, if he really is your boyfriend, he has made it clear that he can no longer be your counselor. If he hasn't he may be guilty of manipulating a fragile soul (yours).<br />
I was in a similar relationship with my therapist. He eventually convinced me that my homophobia and subsequent hetero relationships, were the result of having been molested (and therefore betrayed and disgusted) by men. He convinced me I was turned off by my own natural instincts and attractions for males because I had been abused by males. I felt liberated. Suddenly my life made sense. I told him at some point that I had strong feelings for him (he is openly gay) but before we could continue in a therapeutic relationship we spent weeks talking about my infatuation with him. The clinical description of what happened is called transference. I transferred my need for love and affection from a male, from my perps to a male who really cared for me. But he eventually had to ethically ask me whether I wanted for him to continue to treat me or make love to me. He was in a relationship which made it easier to for me to make the right choice. That was 15 years ago. I still see him and love him but not in a sexual or infatuated way. If he had used my transference to have sex with me he would actually have been guilty of molesting me, every bit as much as a priest who uses his position of guidance to seduce boys in their care. It is illegal!<br />
I do hope you are no longer being treated by Roger, yet just ending up in a love relationship with a counselor is unethical and (if he's a licensed therapist) illegal. He has taken advantage of your scars for his own gratification. I'm not making any pronouncements of his guilt here. I don't know enough about the situation, but therapists who prey on the fragility of their "patients" is extremely common. Unlike yourself I am rather fond of women and if I am gay I am still closeted. And I still feel there might be an ulterior motive for him convincing me that I'm really gay but turned off by the idea because my perps were mostly men.<br />
In any case I applaud your amazing breakthroughs and the insights Roger has helped you gain, in fact, it is because it was he who led you to such amazing insights that I worry if there was a conflict of interest on his part.

im now in my 60s, even thou i dont look or act it, so im for ever reminded by my children and grand children, however i was molested when i was 6 to my 16th year by a family member also, so i know exactly what you went thru, so much pain and hatered within my soul, althou i married and had children didnt make my life complete at all, dont get me wrong the woman who bore my children was and is still a wonderful lady, we are no longer together, but still hold a strong bond together for our kids n grands, what happened to me as child, took 35 yrs for me to complete that hoorid cycle of molesting underage not my family thankgod, and paid my dues 7yrs inside

Incredible story well told. I was thinking damn! - this guy's got so many of my experiences in his story - its almost creepy ;-) --Your strength and fortitude are very inspiring.

Congratulations on your improvement and personal growth man. That's inspiring to the max. I envy your strength dude.

Woah, that was a pretty good read.

That is a wonderful story. I'm so glad you found yourself and were able to overcome the demons.<br />
Thank God you found Roger!

You are Incredible , there is nothing more I can say .