I don’t understand my feelings. I think I’m in love with this girl, but I’m not sure. I’m a girl, too, so it makes me feel…weird.
She’s actually my classmate. We’re third year high school now, and we’ve been classmates since gradeschool. I only became close to her in high school, ‘cause my best friend in grade school was a boy. The boy's studying in another school now...

Anyway, I just…couldn’t stop thinking about her these days. And I can’t get her out of my field of vision. That’s all. When I’m close to her, my heart doesn’t beat frantically. I feel completely like myself around her. I don’t feel ashamed or anything. I can actually hug her, and she doesn’t mind.
I think it started when me and the other girls in our class had this ‘pretending game’. We pretended that we were ‘married’ to each other. I’m ‘married’ to my closest friend (I guess you can call her my best friend), while ‘that’ girl (the one I think I have feelings for) is my ‘mistress’.  I have other ‘mistresses’ and ‘girlfriends’, and we like to pretend to be like those womanizers in TV, hooking up with other girls. It’s kind of fun. Like an innocent childish game. And, no, we're all straight girls. But I guess I'm not straight...anymore...

‘That’ girl is awfully green-minded though. Make a statement, and she manages to twist it into something…green. But it’s not that green. I mean, it is kind of funny…in one way. One time, we were running in a marathon, and we were heading back. And then out of the blue, she said, “Gosh, we’re sweating! Whatdid we do?” Just mention the words “bed”, and “night”, and her mind just registers something… Oh, and she can be really daring. I overheard her talking about removing someone’s “life”, and I asked her, “What ‘life’?” And she gave a sly smile and held the hook of my…er, bra. And I dared her one time to ‘remove my life’, and she actually did try, but  she couldn’t because (ahem), I was wearing a blouse.

 And she loves those corny love jokes. I ask her, “So where should we go?” And she’d reply, “In your heart.” Those sort of jokes.
And a few months back, she liked to hug me, ‘cause she knew I hated being hugged by her. She’d hug me around the waist, and I’d have to twist and turn, or just stiffen in irritation before she finally lets go. But now…it’s me who’s hugging her. She’d cry out to her “wife”, and her “wife” would tell me, “Hey! No physical contact! She’s mine!” And I’d only laugh, and say. “No! 4/5 of her is MINE!”

I only became closer with her this year. I only found out a lot of things I should have known years back. She’s extremely gullible, so I like to tease her a lot. And she’d hit me, most of the time. She’s slap me, or shove my head a bit to the side. We bicker a lot. It's really fun to make fun of her and tease her. 
And now that I’ve thought of it, she didn’t even dare to try and hit me before. She was careful around me, and she made sure she didn’t irritate me too much. But ever since she became my “mistress’, she’s so carefree around me. I told her one time, “You didn’t even dare to hit me before.” Then she just laughed and shoved my head to the side again.

And recently, I texted her. But she didn’t know it was me. I didn’t tell her. She hated that, and she got irritated. But somehow, she did find out who I was. She asked, “Who are you?” And I replied, “Your Romeo.” And she realized it WAS me. And I somehow ended up calling her ‘Princess’ in my following text messages. And I felt so different, like I…wanted to hit on her. I sent love jokes, the sort that she liked. And she kept replying, “Hahaha! Is that really you?” I’m not into those sort of jokes, but I…actually kept on inventing stuff, and she told me she kept on laughing while she read my text messages. She called me a “Flirt” ‘cause I kept on “flirting” with her behind her “wife’s” back. (I’m actually starting to LIKE those love jokes and quotes!)

And then there was a time when there was limited space in the long seat, and she had nowhere to sit, so she sat on my lap. And…yeah, I was enjoying it. (I wasn’t thinking of anything dirty, I SWEAR.) And then when my other friend stood up, she quickly took her place and sat beside me. A little while later, while our other two friends were conversing, she asked me, “You haven’t had your first kiss yet, right? I mean, on the cheek?” And I said, “Yeah.” “How about I become your first kiss?” she asked.  And of course I wouldn’t let her. That was waaay to much!

I know she’s just joking around with all the ‘relationship’ thing, but it’s seriously taking a REAL effect on me. It’s triggering something different. She’s really making me love her for real. There was this time a few days ago, when I was left with her and another classmate. And we were talking and she said, “You intentionally didn’t go home yet because you wanted to be with me.”  And I said, “No! Of course not.” And then she mentioned about my texting her messages, and she told me her older sister thought I was her boyfriend. “Hey, what if it became ‘us’?”, she asked. Then she added, “But we’re both boys!” (Ridiculously, she considers herself a boy, which is not true. She’s far from being a boy. She’s not even acting like one.) “It’s okay. It’s yaoi,” I told her.  And she and our classmate laughed.

She sees me as a sister. I’m sure of that. Even when she makes those jokes and becomes a bit daring with me, she doesn’t really mean it. It’s all a game for her. And she thinks I’m just playing along. I am playing along, but the difference is, the game is more real for me. I take a bit more seriously. I just don’t make it too obvious. A lot of things are triggering my er…attraction to her. For instance, there was another time when I hugged her while I was standing up, and she was seated, and I lowered my head, and I only realized then that my lips were on her…neck. And she got tickled, and shrugged me away, but thank goodness she didn’t know what I had accidentally done.

 I don’t know how I see her. She’s become something really different. I didn’t really see her as “that” before. But like I said, I feel normal around her. My heart doesn’t beat unevenly when I’m with her. I can make direct eye contact with her. I can hug her and not feel guilty. Well, I hug her a lot, but I try not to hug her too much.  And no, unlike others, I do not think bad thoughts. And I don’t think of trying to kiss her, and stuff like that. If I’d try to, it would be REALLY weird. But when I think of her, I smile like an idiot. There was this other time (my last experience, I SWEAR) when I was thinking about her, and suddenly it’s like my heart rose to my throat, and my classmate told me that my face was very red. I don’t know why that happened…

I’m drawn to her, somehow, but I don’t know if it’s love. I'm straight, but she bent me into I think... Ugh. I really feel weird...
Am I in love?
fanlan fanlan
1 Response Mar 15, 2012

you love her. give it time and you'll discover how crazy you are about her. i'm not sure if you're bi or what ever but i'm sure you love her. you are experiencing my exact experience when i was in 3rd yr. and until now i love her. and now she knows. and now it's more confusing than ever because even though i told her what i felt. she said nothing would change. and we were sweeter than sugar. crap. she drives me crazy with her singing on the phone, telling her that she loves me. and we don't even have a relationship. or do we. waaaah. i would have asked her if there was something going on between us, but i might screw things up. but atleast she knows i love her. and i can go crazy in sending her i love you texts, IMs and texts. :)

At least the one you like is aware that you like her. The one I like apparently still remains oblivious. She thinks it's a joke, because I express my feelings to her by joking and fooling around. She plays along, too, but even if it were a game, I could just be a bit delusional and think it's real... Haha.
Thank you for your comment! :D