I Love My Best Friend...it Sucks

So basically, last year in seventh grade I discovered my sexuality. Originally I liked this one girl, and I started liking the girl I love now (we'll call her Emily) as a backup. I liked her as a backup because she was more touchy and stuff so I thought it more likely for her to be bi, and I had a crush on her, but not as big. Well, I got over my original crush and really started liking Emily. As seventh grade progressed, I started to love her more and more. Fast forward to now. She is literally all I think about. I'm not saying that as some girl who thinks that this person is perfect, amazing, and is the ultimate LOOOOVEEE for them. Trust me, I know she's flawed. But to me, that makes her all the more beautiful. She accepts her flaws and they make her who she is. And who she is is amazing. But anyway, I'm getting off track. Right now, I've come out to her. That's another story, but she was fully accepting. But through this year, we've grown apart, due to the fact I only have one class with her. I'm so awkward around her, it sucks so much. I'm always worrying, "Oh, what will Emily think? Will she find this funny? Will she take this the wrong way? Will this make her like me?" It's killing me every day, because I know she's straight. Or, well, I know she doesn't like me. There's another girl (who we'll call Anna) who Emily is best friends with. And there's they're always hanging out and stuff, and there's this part of me that's always thinking "Do they like each other? Are they going out in secret?" One time, Anna sent me a pic of her and Emily hanging out and Anna's house (all 3 of us are really good friends) and I spent the next few days thinking about that. How they could be going out in secret, cause Emily is more of a touchy person, especially with Anna (just hugging, holding hands, grabbing arms, nothing intimate, but she does it with all her good friends). So basically, there's really no hope of her liking me. I know that, I understand that. SHE DOESN'T LIKE ME. But I love her so much, I honest to god do. The other day she was getting bullied in class (the teacher didn't know cause they were doing it quietly) and she started crying. I hadn't noticed until then cause I sit across the room. But literally it took me digging my fingernails into my leg until it started bleeding to stop from getting up and punching those ******** in the face. I cry almost every night cause of her, god wtf do I love her so ******* much? I'm crying right now writing this up, there are so many emotions going on right now. Honestly no one would even guess I like her. People always think lesbians and bisexuals go for hot girls. Um, no. She isn't hot. Honestly, no average guy would think she's REALLY good looking. To guy she's decent, but honestly, to me she is the most beautiful girl I know in every way possible. And I love her so much. Every time I hear a song like "All This Time" by One Republic I almost start crying because I'm thinking of her. Wow this is really long, ok, I think you get the point. I love Emily. Yup. And it kills me every day. Moral: Don't fall in love with a straight girl, especially not one of your best friends like Emily is. You'll only end up heartbroken. Honest truth, I'm sorry. I really am.
lightshadow lightshadow
13-15, F
1 Response Dec 9, 2012

This is beautiful :) how are you now and how old are you?