She Is And Always Will Be, My First Love.

It all started back in 2010 when I knew her as my cousin's bestfriend, now, in 2013 I see her as my world.

Ever since I was about 11-12 I always had an attraction to girls but I just thought it was nothing and that they were just good looking but when I turned 13 and began my first year at high school I then realised that it wasn't just nothing but that I was actually also attracted to girls emotionally, physically and sexually. At this time I had only 'came out of the closet' to 5 close friends.

This girl and I we we're just friends and we'd talk occasionally online but then it started to become a daily routine of talking and eventually we became bestfriends. I then became her rock and I knew she needed me there for her. See when I first began to become friends with her, her best guy friend had committed suicide and along with her already troubling life issues, his passing broke her down to the core, she was in a horrible place in her life. I knew I had to be there for her and I was okay with that. From then on I was there for her through every cut she made, every suicide attempt. I refused to let her believe she’s anything less than beautiful and worth it. There were times where her pain felt like it was a cut to my skin because I hated seeing someone so close to me go through what she did but all I knew was that I had to be there for her no matter what. Eventually she was diagnosed with depression. She began to have more better days than bad ones, of course there were many bad days where things took the toll on her but she kept pushing on even when she felt like giving up. Now looking back at things from then til now and I couldn't be more proud of her and how much she's had to overcome and how strong she has become.

But through all this about halfway in I began to care about her a lot more than I thought, care about her as though she was more than a friend. I eventually gained the courage to tell her how I felt and she liked me back though at that time she had a boyfriend and I respected that but all I wanted was her. We caught up a few weeks after I told her how I felt and things were good between us but all I wanted to do was kiss her then July 26th 2010 came, she finally asked me out and I couldn't have been happier. The first time I saw her again as my girlfriend was a week later and god was it so nerve racking, and mind you this was my first girlfriend but it was just an all-around amazing day. I knew she had fallen for me hard and I thought I had too, then came September where I began to have doubts whether or not this is what I wanted and stupid me let my doubts get the better of me.. I ended up breaking things off between us.

What ended up happening the next month was something I never expected. A "friend" I had trusted with my secret on my sexuality ended up telling someone and then word got around. I was so afraid my parents would hear about it through gossip so I came clean to them. God was that hard. Let’s just say my parents didn't take it as lightly as they could have, probably because they were the last to know about my sexuality. We'd have short discussions about it days after, they'd say I was too young to know my sexuality which I do agree to an extent that yes I was at a young age and couldn't be completely knowledgeable on how I really saw my sexuality but I still had a rough idea. Eventually my parents began to calm down though it did shake up my mother’s & mine close bond which has now mended back together, but at the time I still could tell she was walking on egg shells with my sexuality. Take note; my parents have never discriminated, degraded or said hurtful things to me about my sexuality, they support me in how I feel about my sexuality even though they have their own insecurities they still love me for me.

After all the drama of October it started to get me thinking back what happened the month before and I then realised that she was what I wanted, I wanted to be with her. I eventually told her the truth on how I felt and how sorry and stupid I was and thankfully she still cared for me. A few days later I asked her out and again I couldn't have been happier, then a week later things got shaken up. My mum had her suspicions that I had perhaps dated a girl before they knew about my sexuality and on December 9th 2010 she found out I was dating her and things then got insane.

She was pissed at the fact that I lied about dating a girl and that I was going behind my parents backs, I told her I was just so afraid at telling her like I was with my sexuality and how she'd react. Mother thought that comeback was a load of crap but it was the truth, I was scared, scared about all of it. She told me to break it off with her, she even messaged her telling her that I was too young to know my sexuality and that sneaking behind my parents back was wrong and that me and her were just friends and nothing more. Now that hurt. My mum was that angry at my 'betrayal' that threated to take my girlfriend to the cops (she's 2 years older than me) if we didn't end our relationship, so to save even more drama I had to end things. That was so painful, I got grounded for that whole 6 week holiday and I tell you those 6 weeks+ were some dark moments, I just felt so down, unhappy, angry and in pain though we still stayed in contact regularly enough though it hurt to just see her name. I still to this very day regret not telling my parents sooner and myself about my sexuality and my relationship with her as things hopefully would have turned out better and the pain and stress wouldn't have happened.

I was still too hung up on her that we decided to risk it again and we became a couple again in February 2011 and things were going good, no one else knew but a few close friends. Around this time at school I went through a changing period between the group of friends I was hanging with and I had starting becoming friends with this guy I had known since I was 6 and eventually I started to like him more than I should have. I let all the crap I was previously feeling get in the way of what I had with her and stupidly left her for him. I know, I know stupidest and most idiotic thing ever and I do regret it though I as well don't regret him because I learnt life lessons I had to with him. Things between me and her weren't good and we stopped speaking and I knew I had deeply hurt her which I knew was wrong, I was just so confused with everything. Things were going amazingly with this guy and I though until I went to a school camp at the beginning of May and when I got back things just went downhill from there. I think at that time in my life I was missing the affection that I wasn't able to have from her, I don't know that whole time was just a messed up place for me.

The friendship between this girl & I began to start up again just after about halfway through 2011 and we started rekindling our friendship and eventually we both knew we had never stopped loving each other though we as well both knew starting up another relationship just couldn't happen because of the amount of hurt and pain that could happen if my parents found out this time, we couldn't risk it twice. Then I ended ******* everything up all over again at the beginning of 2012, **** I was stupid. I ended up telling her that we had to stop speaking to each other and try to move on with our lives without each other in hope we could get over each other. I knew as soon as I hit send that I couldn't reverse this if I had second thoughts, I knew this would hurt her. I hate hurting her; it broke me to see a beautiful girl hurt but at the time I thought that was the best thing for the both of us. I never ever intentionally tried to hurt her, it just always ended like that. We went about 3 months of not talking then we ended up back to where we started then around halfway through 2012 I again started to like this guy which ended up a waste of my time and she got hurt and I ****** up again. This time we stopped talking for around 4 months and the same as last time, we ended up back to where we started. Yeah I screwed up, a lot and I regret hurting her every time but surprisingly she still forgave me after everything.

Let's say 2012 was a big rollercoaster for us both emotionally, there were times I thought I had lost her for good but somehow we always ended running back to either other. As I type this in 2013 we are still going stronger than we have before and still in love with each other, actually June 2013 will mark 3 years since I fell for her. There are many days where things get hard and I just break down in tears over our complicated situation. We've been through so much and I'm so proud of us both that we've hung on this long after everything; it shows that what we have is real. It's hard not seeing her, not being able to hug her, kiss her or just even be with her. Yes I haven't seen her since 2010 and we only live a couple of suburbs away, like I said we have a complicated situation. I have told my mother at the end of 2012 that I still care for her and I do hope to have a relationship with her in the future. I'm not as sure where my mother does stand to whether I could date her again as a normal couple this time with no secrets though I guess we'll find out in the future.

Until then I'm happy just having her love and knowing that one day I'll be able to see her and be with her and know that what we have gone through to get to that point was all worth it. She is truly a beautiful and amazing person with such a kind heart though I'm not so sure she realises that. I'm so blessed to have her in my life after everything and to have experienced what I have with her. I'm so glad I was there for her through her struggles and that I'm one of the reasons she still lives today. She means so much to me and I don't want to lose her before we get our second chance.

This is my story. She is and always will be, my first love.
Melanie Linda Liekefett ♥
burningxroses burningxroses
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 10, 2013

Unless time travel becomes possible, you're right, she always will be your first love.