Desperately In Love With Someone Who Is Terrified of Commitment!

I am desperately in love with a girl who I feel is my soulmate. I love her like crazy. I go to sleep with a smile on my face because I know she is safe, and I get up in the morning imagining I'm holding her. In fact, half the days I get late for work because I imagine I'm holding her tight and can't let go.

Problem is, she's homophobic! BIG TIME!

I love her so much and want to be with her for the rest of my life so badly that I actually put on a big show and convinced her that I am not lesbian, that in fact I have strong hetero affiliations. It worked.

The next problem I faced was that she, sometime in her past, was terribly terribly hurt by some stupid man (I fancy someone she had considered HER soulmate) whom she had loved and trusted with her entire being. I don't know exactly what happened, but he walked out of her life one day without a word, and now she finds it meaningless to have any kind of relationship with anyone.

I know that if I could convince her that life is beautiful, that human relationships are in fact possible, that there are people in the world who can be trusted and who will not hurt her -- that she would love me. As a friend -- that would be enough for me, as long as she LOVED me.

But she is terrified of entering any relationship, even friendship, that goes beyond the superficial level.

She is the most amazing woman of my generation I have ever met. She has tremendous depth, tremendous life, but she denies it all! What do I do? I love her desparately and I know that I could love her exactly the way she deserves to be loved and treated, only if she would open up her heart.

What do I do? We complete each other, and I believe that deep down she knows it -- and that is precisely why she tries so hard to push me away from her.

Am I the only one in the world with such a crazy dilemma?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

imanain imanain
36-40, F
13 Responses Mar 31, 2007

Not to be mean but if she really is homophobic then you are in denial and you may think that if she would only love you as a friend and that will be enough for you the rest of your days that is not even comprehensible why do i say this well because my ex swore that if I would love her as a friend and would be in her life that would be enough for her well it is not all relationships grow and without being honest and settling for scraps it could turn out messy

Hello all my friends, <br />
<br />
I am back after a lifetime! How are all of you doing? I re-read all your comments and found them to be excellent and wise. If you are still there on the EP, do drop me a line and we'll catch up. <br />
<br />
Imanain.

Hello all my friends, <br />
<br />
I am back after a lifetime! How are all of you doing? I re-read all your comments and found them to be excellent and wise. If you are still there on the EP, do drop me a line and we'll catch up. <br />
<br />
Imanain.

It feels like I jus read all if it in one breath!!<br />
<br />
I must say it leaves me with a clash of ideas in my head:<br />
The Classic "When you love something, set it free" theory VS My ever-lasting-pathetic-longing for a happy ending <br />
<br />
Sadly, moral of the story: Too much love will kill you

It feels like I jus read all if it in one breath!!<br />
<br />
I must say it leaves me with a clash of ideas in my head:<br />
The Classic "When you love something, set it free" theory VS My ever-lasting-pathetic-longing for a happy ending <br />
<br />
Sadly, moral of the story: Too much love will kill you

This is probably just my idealism speaking, but do you know what source her homophobia comes from? Is there a chance she could be putting up a front? I know you said it was a guy who hurt her, but just considering the possibility..<br />
<br />
I know telling her you're a lesbian might not go over so well, but as ClearPier put it, not telling her would be seen as a violation of trust if she ever found out. She might even still have suspicions as to your orientation which may make it more difficult for her to trust you. If you're going to let her break away from you anyway, you might as well tell her the truth. Establish your motivations for lying to her in such a way that she would see it as less of a betrayal, and explain to her that you just want to see her happy. Promise her that you would never make an advance or anything toward her (if a relationship was ever an option it would be because she initiated it), and apologize about lying to her.<br />
<br />
Hope this helps. :(

I see a glaring problem here...<br />
<br />
If you get her to trust again, and then hit on her, after convincing her you are not a lesbian, won't you then reinforce her original position of not trusting? Won't that just prove that you can't be trusted? Won't you just be doing more damage?<br />
<br />
If she is homophobic, chances are she will never love you romantically. You are going to have to make a decision. You need to come clean and deal with the consequences or you need to decide to never ever tell her of your love for her.

Dear Rose Donovan, <br />
<br />
I just read your msg, three months after you wrote it. Sorry. <br />
<br />
Are things still the same? Pls read Tardy Dodo's and Luv2GivU's comments above. They have pretty much summed up all the possible advise that could be given. <br />
<br />
I however, have reached certain conclusions myself. Ready for them? <br />
<br />
If someone is making you work so hard to get them, they are probably NOT the right one for you. Think about it. If she's the right person why do you have to work so hard just to make an inroad? <br />
<br />
I know this is probably not what you wanted to hear from me. But this just might be the truth. I have realized it in the last three months, painfully, (which explains my long hiatus in visiting this site again). <br />
<br />
I am reminded of a poem I read as a child: <br />
<br />
When you love something, set it free. <br />
If it comes back, it is yours. <br />
If it does not, it never was. <br />
<br />
Excellent advise. Follow it. <br />
<br />
The right person for you is out there. I promise you. You just might be looking in the wrong direction and therefore breaking your heart on a stone. Think about it. <br />
<br />
I have worked hard to overcome my great attachment to the girl I wrote about. We are now therefore friends, and everybody concerned is happy and peaceful. <br />
<br />
<br />
Love, <br />
<br />
Imanain

oh my gosh!!! this is my situation exactly!! exactly! it's nice to hear someone word it so well, because i've tried for years, and I've even tried telling her. <br />
<br />
"She is the most amazing woman of my generation I have ever met. She has tremendous depth, tremendous life, but she denies it all! What do I do? I love her desparately and I know that I could love her exactly the way she deserves to be loved and treated, only if she would open up her heart."<br />
<br />
I love this, i just love it, because that is exactly my predicament, too. At night I pretend she is lying next to me, and I reach my hand out across my bed, and pretend she holds my hand, so neither one of us will have nightmares.

Who are you, man?! <br />
<br />
I think you've hit the nail on the head. Again. The little whys of the mechanism and the same friendship being re-created over again. That's exactly what happens. <br />
<br />
I don't know what to do. I've tried for two and a half years now! I'm still crazy about her, she is still perfect and fascinating. I know I will always love her. But reality is dawning on me painfully. <br />
<br />
Even if somehow we were to become best buddies (she does not believe in the concept!) ... what then? If ever I tried to take it further it would be a breach of trust of the worst kind. <br />
<br />
Perhaps it is time for me to let her go. The deadend we have reached at this moment is a good one to walk away in. The situation is such that she will think she broke off with me, not the other way round. So she will not get a sense of me giving up on her, but she being in control and shutting the door on her. This illusion, I hope, would give her a sense of peace. <br />
<br />
I don't want to leave her. But I think this is inevitable. <br />
<br />
I think the moral of the story is, one should never love anybody so much. <br />
<br />
Thanks for being there with me through this. I'll let you know what happens. <br />
<br />
God bless you. <br />
<br />
Imanain.

You are very kind and generous with your praise Imanain, thank you! :) <br />
<br />
I'm sorry to hear that you've had no luck thus far, and that things keep falling apart.<br />
<br />
Perhaps it is worth looking at both *why* and *when* things collapse?<br />
<br />
I know that you have talked about the underlying issues, the "big why" but there is also the question of the little why of the mechanism of things not going well.<br />
<br />
What is going on at the time that things fall apart? Are there triggers that you can put your finger on? <br />
<br />
A slightly strange thought, as well, are you always re-creating the *same* friendship? Repeating the same patterns seems very likely to end up falling apart in the same way.

Dear "Tardy Dodo", <br />
<br />
Your comments prove you are neither "tardy" nor a "dodo"! I cannot thank you enough for understanding and analyzing the situation with such clarity. <br />
<br />
It is indeed as you have outlined it and there does not seem to be anything more to be said on the subject. I had in fact run through every step of what you have advised me BEFORE I posted my story! The greatest needs that you have highlighted -- I practiced aplenty, but at this moment we have reached a deadend. The number of times in our friendship that I have had to start from scratch is not funny. But, your very timely words are providential. I was on the verge of giving up, I think. Now I won't. You show a glimmer of hope. <br />
<br />
Whether it works out or not, thank you. There are very few living people in this world whose words carry such common sense and clarity and heart as yours do. I wish to nominate you as a "guru" on the Experience Project and I hope you will accept. <br />
<br />
Good wishes to you. <br />
<br />
Imanain in India.

Wow, that's pretty complicated.<br />
<br />
Surely the probability of success and happiness here are very, very low?<br />
<br />
Don't get me wrong. I think you should go for it, and do everything in your power to bring her the happiness she deserves. I'm just saying that it sounds like a really very difficult scenario to deal with.<br />
<br />
Sounds like there are a lot of things that you have to do, and boy, will it take some patience and a lot of work!!!<br />
<br />
It seems to me that you have to follow your love for her - and by that I mean you have to put her first, before your own want to be with her, otherwise it won't work...<br />
<br />
One big issue is that there are two big deceptions in place - that you are heterosexual and that you love her as a friend. It is not clear to me when you should remove either of these deceptions, but if one thinks about putting *her* first and foremost, then I think it makes more sense NOT to tell her yet.<br />
<br />
It seems to me that the most important thing you can do for her is try to help her heal. There seem to be two parts to this. First is helping heal the wounds and issues that now plague her. The second is to help her start to trust again, and find good things by trusting people.<br />
<br />
Without that there is no basis to address anything else, methinks. The issue of her homophobia, the issue of your wanting to be romantically involved with her, I feel that these need to take a back seat whilst you help her regain her ability to trust people again. <br />
<br />
If I was in your shoes, and looking to try and get somewhere, I would make a battle plan of sorts, of how to get her trusting again. You might need to learn some new people and communication skills. You might need to study some psychology. You will need to be ready to know how to give her space, and how to have patience and when not to push. <br />
<br />
Love can heal everything, but sometimes you need to give love the right tools, skill and know-how. Where love fails to heal stuff is when people think that love*alone* is enough.<br />
<br />
Maybe she needs professional help to address her issues? Strikes me that she is unlikely to want it or think that she needs it though.<br />
<br />
And what of your desire to be with her, and the barrier of her homophobia? Those things, I think should be addressed in due time, but not as the first things.<br />
<br />
Some people will recommend you just tell her how you feel about her, and explain how her homophobia is morally wrong. I think we both know how that approach will turn out, and it's not what you want. :)<br />
<br />
Anyway, just a bit of a different perspective on the matter. See what you think.