Growing up, i was a normal kid. I liked to play with dolls and barbies, but also with dinosaurs and cars... The more i grew up, the more i hated to wear dresses and feminine clothes. I like to wear baggy pants and normal t-shirts, and i was a bit tomboy. When i started high school (where i live it starts in 7th grade), it changed a bit... I wanted to be accepted, i wanted to be like everyone else. I forgot what i liked to wear, I forgot who i was...

I always thought that i was in the norm. I never wanted to be different in any kind, i just wanted to be a normal teenager: be feminine, have a group of friends to go shop with, have a boyfriend, blablabla.... All those stereotypes on how a girl should be/act were constantly in my head. I remember one day seeing my older cousin with ''Beats'' headphones. Deep down I wanted to have those, but i said to myself: only boys can have them. In fact, i always thought that boys were lucky because to me, they could always be themselves without worrying about the others' opinion. To me, girls had a lot of pressure and had to act in a specific way, be girly and like boys. The problem? I never liked boys. I swear i tried...

To me, being gay was out of the norm. I used to say to myself: ''you are normal, those things always happen to others, it cannot happen to you!'' I didn't picture myself as gay, i convinced myself that i liked boys. I had my first and only boyfriend when i was 13 years old. We would go to school on our bikes and i felt like i could be myself with him. One day, he wanted to kiss me, but i was a bit scared, i didn't want to... I thought it was just normal, that i was a bit stressed about it. I decided to let him kiss me, and i felt nothing... It was a bit disgusting to me, not that he was ugly or anything, it just didn't feel right...

Throughout my high school years, i kissed a few boys, but i was disgusted every time. I didn't like it AT ALL. I never had feelings for boys, but i thought that it was only because i didn't find the right one. My friends always said: ''Gosh, you're so picky! You had a lot of opportunities... Don't you like him?'' I was always mixed up... It was always the same story: I thought i liked a guy, then i see him, he tries to kiss me, i hate it and i finally say i'm just not interested.

It lasted until i was 17 years old. I just haven't discovered myself until then. Just one night changed everything. One night light up my mind, one night made me realize everything, that one night: i let a girl kiss me, and i liked it.

For the first time in my entire life, i enjoyed kissing someone. It felt right. That night, I kissed 3 different girls (they were all my friends and we were at a party, it didn't bother them and they were having fun doing it). I liked it so much! I remember saying to myself: girls kiss BOYS, go kiss a boy to see how it feels. I kissed 2 boys and hated it.
I thought about the idea of me being gay after that party.... It popped into my mind constantly. I was looking at girls in a different way because i finally allowed myself to do it. After that, I realized how blind i was... I was so attached to girls sometimes, i felt connections, i had feelings for girls and i thought that they were just normal feelings, like feelings you have for friends.... It all became so clear! I knew deep down inside that i was gay.

Few months later, I first came out to my cousin (the one i mentioned earlier) because I just knew I could tell him. I wanted to tell my guy friends first because i was afraid that my girl friends would think i liked them that way... When i was ready, i started to say it to my girl friends, and eventually to my best friend who told me she already knew (not that anybody had to her but just because she knew me even better then myself ah-ah-ah!). I finally told my parents few months later. I went very well! I was alone with them, and i just randomly said: ''Mom, Dad, i need to tell you something... I don't know how you are going to react about it, but everyone I told was super cool with it...'' And my mom said: ''You are questioning about your sexual orientation aren't you? We knew all along''. The accepted me, they were happy about it and they were glad I told them.

I am now 18 years old, i came out to my close family, and almost all of my friends. I doesn't bother me anymore, I like girls and i'm happy about it. I feel like i can finally breathe. I dress like i want to, i do what i want to and it feels awesome, I don't even care about what people say now, because i found myself and i love it. :)

yoyo1324 yoyo1324
18-21, F
Aug 17, 2014