Need To Learn To Love Myself

I have an incredibly bad history of relationships.  The story, without fail, goes like this:  girl meets boy, they like each other, boy swears he's found everything he's looking for in me, things are great for several months, then boy starts acting like an assclown.  Withdraws, or even flat-out disappears, starts treating me like crap, fault finding and so forth.  Then come horrible break up.  They assclown may or may not wind up coming back for Round 2.  I may or may not be desperate enough to chase down said assclown for more torture in the name of "love".  It's ridiculous.  I'm 37 y/o and this is exactly how it's gone my entire life.  I pay more attention to all the declarations of love and devotion than I do the actual actions.  And when I finally do get it through my thick head that the actions no matter match the words, I keep waiting for "that guy" to come back.  He never does.  This is where I start beating myself, wondering what I did wrong, what's wrong with me, blah, blah, blah, puke.  The last one was the most painful.  I have literally pined over a guy for the last two years who would disappear for months at a time the second something didn't go his way.  Like I had to work late.  Or my flight was late.  Or, in the middle of an icestorm, I refused to leave my house, which had no power and a hole in the roof from a tree, while a generator was running to go to an AC/DC concert for which we had tickets.  Yeah.  Great guy.  But I loved him.  Don't ask me why, because I couldn't tell you now, but I did.  Lately, we tried to rekindle what I considered a "special" love, only for me to find out that he still had a girlfriend.  Basically, I contacted him to see if there was any chance of working things out, he jumped on the chance, told me he broke up with the girl because he had "never gotten over me and wanted to be with me forever".  Translation when all the facts came out:  he wanted to get laid. 

The thing is, I know that hanging onto these assclowns is about a lack of self esteem, self worth, and self love in myself.  I'm actually a pretty cool person, but right now I feel like an idiot.  I have a professional career and from all appearances, I have it made.  But my personal life is a mess and right now I feel like one big, hot mess.  Why do I do this to myself?  Why don't I tell these bastards to get lost at the first sign of disrespect?  How do I learn to love myself enough to build a life without a man and just be happy?  I'm sick of grieving the loss of some stupid relationship all the time.  I just want to be happy with me.  Anyone else feel that way?  Any clue how to do that?

I'm seeing a therapist, but so far, it's not alotta help, other than him pointing out the obvious:  that I don't have much self worth outside of relationships.  But he hasn't really offered substantial ways to get there.  Am I alone in this lonely boat?
bluemooninmyeye bluemooninmyeye
36-40, F
Jul 13, 2010