Once A Good Girl?

Once a good girl?
Yeah, when i was in middle school.
Gone Bad?
Sure. I'm no angel.
It started when my mother moved us to Alaska. We moved because she couldn't find a decent job to support herself and me, and she couldn't find another man to leech off of anymore. She was adopted when she was young and had recently found her biological family in Tetlin, Alaska. That.s where we went for free living and a free house from our loving mystery family in the mountains.
It was a huge change along with all the other ******-up **** in my life. My mother has always had borderline personality disorder and its hard being a kid trying to please your parents who completely adore you one day and think your the skum of all children the next. She was always in dysfunctional relationships with physical and emotional abuse. She abused me when i was 4-6 years old then stopped for the most part when i got older.
Well, as it turns out, moving to Alaska wasn't the best thing for me. I was a great student before we moved, i took on challenges and actually enjoyed learning in the classrooms. My report cards were always full of A+'s and B-'s (except for the never changing 'F' in gym class. I refused to ever 'dress out'.) I had a great group of friends who just liked to have fun and laugh and we never thought of getting high. That all changed after the move. The school in this village was a complete joke and my education pretty much ended at 8th grade (good thing i was smart or I'd be ****** now). The children had no desire to learn, there was only about 10 kids in the entire school. The math sheets they handed out were seriously intended for a 4th grade class. So school was a piece of cake. No challenges except trying not to die from boredom.
The longer we stayed in Tetlin the more messed up things become. No we did not receive a free house as promised. We lived with my grandmother and her 4 sons. All men of ages 20-40 years. The house was always gross and covered in trash and dirty dishes. All my grandmothers son (or also known as my uncles) were alcoholics except for 2.....Well to make a long story short we ended up getting kicked out of the house in the middle of nowhere, i was molested once by our neighbor, moved in with a different uncle, was molested repeatedly by him, he tried to shoot my mother with a shot gun, we hid in the school for a day until the state troopers came to get us and dropped us off at a church in Tok, Alaska. The troopers were actually really cool, they gave me a Good Charlotte and a Speakerboxx CD (my mom told me it was because they often give toys ect. to children to were abused).
The paster of the church gave us a ride to Fairbanks were we moved into a woman's shelter.
I went to a high school, and got decent grades for a semester but i was having coping problems. Soon after i started skipping classes and chilling at local stores, cafes and library's. Thats when i met the group of 'juggolo' stoners. I dropped out of school in the 9th grade and stated smoking weed and drinking. I was never home and i did some very stupid things that could have gotten myself raped or killed. Ha, i was immature and a very dumb little girl. I idolized anyone who seemed cool or could teach me more about drugs. Like i said, i forgot i had a brain. I started cutting at one point in time but i've long since kicked that. I stopped eating food to lose weight. I weighed about 98 lbs. I hung out with girls like me who just wanted to get ****** up and we gathered around guys who were old enough to buy is alcohol (yuk). I have alot of good and bad memories from those days. I made some life-long friends and i made life-long regret's. Eventually I started to do MDMA and LSD when i was about 18.
Then i had an Epiphany. I was 19 (I'm 21 now) and my girl was throwing a birthday party for herself. She bought a shitload of alcohol and xtc pills. Well i ended up taking some pills and drinking alot of booze. Not a good idea. At all. I was raped that night. I heard everyone at the end of the party taking about me and how i had sex with this guy (what was actually rape) and how i was a **** and how dumb i was, and really just talking ****. Coming down off my high i left, saying nothing to anyone there and wearing clothes that weren't mine (i dont know where they came from.) and thought about suicide. I thought about how i was just burden on this earth and people like me weren't productive or good for anything. I didnt have anything to live for, no boyfriend, no best friend, no life goals. I walked home and cried and cried. I didnt know what to do. After all of the drugs were out of my system and i slept for about 12 hours I thought about what had happened that night. I thought about how my life was turning out. I remember sitting at a snack bar and looking at the waitress. She was extremely overweight and had a lot of wrinkles on her face. She was wearing hoop earrings and cleavage top. She looked old and worn out, she looked like she was trying to get attention from guys; she looked how i felt. I felt like it wasn't worth living for a life of boys i dint even like just for free booze or drugs. I realized it really wasn't, I shouldn't have to do those things just to feel okay, to disassociate from life. I wondered if anyone was truly happy as i watched a young couple holding hands walk past me. What did it take to be happy? I thought about what the boys said about me from the party and i decided to say **** that ****! Why should I care about what they think? They don't know a ******* thing about me, what makes me tick, or what I've been through. I started to realize over the next few days that you cant let others bring you down, that personal happiness is something only you can control. I ended up calling a guy back that had been trying to date me for about 3 months. I deemed him a nerd and a nobody before my epiphany so i never gave him a chance until then. We ended up watching 'The Secret' on DVD at his place and we talked about it, life, happiness, effects of our action on other people, and we really connected. I had decided that i didn't want a boyfriend or anything to tie me down from just figuring life out and how i fit into the world. We still hung out almost everyday and he asked me to be his girlfriend about 10 times, with me rejecting him every time. Eventually he got the message and stopped asking me out. I stopped doing drugs and i got a real job. He was always there for me, giving me rides to work, listing and talking to me like i was real human being (unlike when guys thought i was just a drunk pair of ****), and buying me cigarettes if i needed them in between pay checks. OK, i ended up asking him out and we've dating ever since then, two years later.
I never quit drinking the whole time until 2 weeks ago (God, I hope I can keep this up!), and i've switched to ultra light cigarettes hoping to ween myself away from the nicotine rush. I'm working on getting my GED. Math is the subject I hate, i have to do it alot to remember it all. I still don't have any serious life goals. I learned that I (like my mother) have borderline personality disorder and it's hard dealing with it. I've started smoking weed again to control my anger issues. I'm much healthier now that i know whats wrong with me and i can get help for it.
KungPOWKitten KungPOWKitten
22-25, F
6 Responses Aug 5, 2010

Question...... How old are you? Not asking in a creepy or malicious way ma'am.

good 4 u. life slapped u in the face and u kicked it in its balls. awesome

Wow!<br />
<br />
You are an expert at creating a life you do not want and are not happy with. Now can you look at that and take it as a positive? You did that perfectly. You even went from having As and Bs to I am helpless victim.<br />
<br />
OK now. First, there is no future. So don't waste your time looking at it or for it or hoping about it.<br />
2nd, there is no past. There is just the story you tell yourself about what happened and you can tell that story 50 different ways to look like YOU were at fault or MOM was a fault or God did it to you I mean you could do 50 with both hands tied behind your back.<br />
<br />
What there is is NOW. in fact that is all you have ever had just one endless bunches of NOW.<br />
<br />
So what are you going to do RIGHT NOW?<br />
<br />
Have a cigarette? or Go for a walk right now?<br />
Decide you can't do math<br />
or just Do the math there in front of you exactly the way you are doing it NOW.<br />
<br />
So everyone did it to you except for the places where you clearly did it to yourself. So what?<br />
<br />
What are you going to do right now?<br />
<br />
See how that works for a year of Nows and then you can decide how your deciding is working.

That's a lot of stuff to happen to someone. Congratulations on getting your GED.. Two weeks sober is a really good start. EPPeople can provide some support and encouragement. It would be really good if you can find a pastor to talk to (I am guessing you cannot afford a therapist, and Pastors are caring professionals who can often help as much as a therapist). <br />
<br />
You can go to a site www.emofree.com and learn about a process called EFT. The site is great because you can get so much for free. You seem to have the kind of intelligence that will get it right away. If you can find a "coach" or a pastor to work that through with, so much the better. You deserve to succeed in moving your life in a positive direction. You are very right when you observe that being happy or miserable is your choice. Constantly look for reasons to be happy, no matter what other people do to you. <br />
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I would also encourage you to be brave enough to dream big dreams. You can as easily decide to go for big things as to settle for what life hands you. There is an ex<x>pression called Coue's Affirmation. It goes "Every day, in every respect, I am growing better and better and better." You can decide to say that to yourself about 30 times each morning (It only takes a minute or two). The key to Coue is to look for ways it turns out to be true that you are growing better and better.<br />
<br />
I wish you well and encourage you to keep developing the kind of wisdom reflected in your post.

Holy ****, with the whole drugs & drinking thing I totaly relate. Everyone goes through different stages. Im sorry though, thats horrible. Not what you did, but what happend to you.

I'm happy that you seem to be going in the right direction with your life.<br />
Life is such a complicated thing to figure out.