Lonely And Lost !

I will start from the begining. My boyfriend (husband for 32 years now) and I were so happy we would do everything together! We had so many friends! People would joke about how much love we were in! But once the wedding procedings started he backed off not just once 3 times! By the end of the long heart felt years! I packed up and left! He still lived at home! I had my own appartment. He just could not give me a direct answer why?I even gave him one last chance on the phone before my flight was taking off! I said good bye and off I went,
About 3 weeks later he showed up on my parents front door and begged to see me! My parents told him to leave I wasn't there anyway. We landed up talking and married in my parents home acouple weeks later! His parents refused to come! (My parents were their best fiends) that broke his heart! So far it was a messed up begining! If I didn't listen to my heart maybe it would be better? We were ok in our little appartment for the first 3 years until he came home from work and I told him we were going to have a baby! I was so excited but he said straight out well your going to have to get rid of it, I don't want kids! I refused and I know for sure the wall started to build between us :( We moved to our first house and had my second child. He worked from 6AM to sometimes 10PM! The children barely got to see there father! I felt overwhelmed raising them mostly on my own! But I enjoyed them so much!
Since. Both of our family's lived close to each other. He was looking for a transfer with his company, we waited along time. The kids were 3 and 4 and the grandparents missed them and us .He came home one day told me the good news! The kids and I were so excited about the move! I just ran to the phone to call my family and he literally stopped me and took the phone and said I want to tell my parents first! Well I knew they were going to change his mind! We talked about it for day's! He put his foot down end of discussion! we are not moving! I was so upset the next day I packed the kids and me and went to the airport and left again, I should of left him then but thought about the kids having no dad! I finally dawned on me that he could never make major decisions, I always did the pushing till it would end! My love towards my husband was starting to change so I put all my effort into taking care of my children now! They were everything to me!
We have lived in here now for 24 years! I still was the only one caring for the kids as they grew and I loved every minute of it till they turned on me in their teenage years. They actually broke my heart . My husband was no help at all, every time they needed something for school or activities he would say it to them and me NO! I had no job so I could not do anything, every time they needed help with homework I couldn't understand he would not help them! He would watch the news or if it was around 9pm he went to bed and sometimes the projects we were up to 2 or 3 in the morning. I found a job it was so exciting just part time but it was perfect until my husband said no i dont want you working tough i told him there was nothing he could do! It lasted almost 15 years! I started not to feel well and the kids were in their teen years so I had to hope for the best! My husband wanted nothing to do with me being sick! I started going down hill fast by the time the kids hit their twentys I already had Diabetes, my appendtix ruptured almost died,severe Chronic Animia I have aport for blood transfusions, had 2 surgeries on my wrists so cant use my hands to much 6 surgeries on my right ankle due to a car crushing it, 5 surgeries on my left eye they actually have a serial buckle holding my eye in (kinda like rubber band holding it in Then the big one a Heart attack approximately 7 years ago had a triple bypass with 4 stents and since then 2 strokes and 2 more open heart surgeries. There is more but what the hell my husband didn't seem to care or my kids by this time mom was out of the picture and dad became their best friend. My daughter would call him and plan get togethers with him and not tell me! she calls he jumps to fix or put anything together! Where is her husband? The weird part is if you looked at me you would never know that I went through all that and i think my kids forget but not my husband he always sighs and says what now. The most recent incident was that I fractured my lower L3 and L4 area in my back this January went for procedures but nothing helps the pain! He's mad because I just don't take care of his needs! But having your chest ripped open three times and taking part of my chest and leaving me with over 20 scares on the front of my toursal is very shameful and then finding I have a 4 inch cervical tumor just topped it off he wanted me to go in for surgery! And the back pain!!!! If I don't have to have surgery I won't! I have been through so many! I am over it! I gave everything I could to my family and not calling me only when my daughter needs a babysitter and my son has ADD and other conditions and treats me like **** they don't remember the good old days when I was always there for them! They(bro & sis) dont even talk to each other at all! My husband and son had this major fight about a month ago and they are not speaking and they are making me the middle person! I just lost my mom suddenly a few months ago wrongful death she was my best friend my rock I could always rely on her! But she is gone now and I feel like my life is not worth the pain and suffering! I miss her so much! We would have tea everyday at my house and she would help me with the little ones i really wish i could be with both my mom amd dad who died on 9/11!
My husband that literally called me a burden because of my medical bills and the day he was fighting with my son he yelled at me saying I hate you and I am going? I don't know what to do now after 32 years with him I don't know if he still wants to stay married or not! I only have one reason to hang on and that's my 2 little grandsons I love them so much!! But my daughter uses that against me and keeps them away if I don't do things her way! at least I get to see them for a couple hours once in a while!
I just sit or lay in bed there is nothing for me to do so I land up sleeping most of the time!
I am sorry i am going on and on just thought it would help me feel better. I had a therapist but she talked more about her family the about what was bothering me! Useless!
Plzhlpme1 Plzhlpme1
51-55, F
1 Response Sep 10, 2012

Hm, i don't knoW what to say.<br />
Just sending some warmth your way. <br />
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I think maybe you should see another therapist as the one you had seemed not so well? Therapy should be about you and noone else. I think you are quite depresed, so try to get yourself out of that circle. <br />
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Ok, this might sound very stupid but maybe you should start some kind of life project? Something you always wanted to do but never did. <br />
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Take care xx

Thank you for listening! I have tried to get another therapist thru of course my husbands insurance! Another recurring medical bill! He is not to happy about it but aim going to make some calls tomorrow!
I have a hobby but I been unable to see him because of my back! He iis my horse Gunner is his nick name! Get this my husband bought him for me when he was 7 months old! My daughter was in to horses and horse shows I always wanted one since my other horse died from old age! But how my husbands thought was buy it to make her happy then we can sell it! I won't sell him I was offered $27,000 for him and I said no I my husband thought i was crazy I raised him! He was mine and he wanted to sell himafter he turned two, he has brought home so many trophies and ribbons! He is now 8 years old and a very beautiful thoroughbred quarter horse I love going out to the barn we have to board him! My husband hates him! Doesn't realize how good Gunner makes me feel when I can get a ride out there! And just spend some time with him! I call it therapy he calls it a pain in the*** putting him out to drive me and then pick me up! If I spend to much time he complains! Ugh no matter what I do Gardening he hated it! Mowed over my new flowers! I just planted a whisperia tree.he complained the whole time we were planting it it was in rememberence for my mom! So I guessing you see the picture? I can't do anything that makes me feel good without a comment out of his mouth!! I am trying to cope! Being handicap is hard enough I guess he just wants what we were 32 years ago I wish at times too, thank you for listening wellwhatcanisay I like your cat picture!!

sorry for removing the cat picture ;)

so some very honest questions:
do you love this man?
does it make you happy to be with this man?
do you have a possibility of leaving?

when i read your stories i just get the feeling that most of your problem is being caused by not being able to/allowed to do what you want.

it's good to read you have gunner. hang on to him :)