I Am A Good Person! I Am!I'm often nasty and vindictive and rarely forgive. I am selfish and self-absorbed.
Wow, I may have chosen the wrong group, huh?
No! I didn't. I'm just damaged goods. Damaged at the hands of others. Through the years, I enabled myself to deal with the help of the minds defense mechanism. Refusal, amnesia, disregard..Post traumatic stress disorder- Call it what you want. My mind knew that if I fully realized, accepted and mourned, It would forever change me. A consequence of healing that I was unwilling to allow.
Years later, as an adult, when lesser versions of the hurt continued to be inflicted upon me, I became increasingly irritated of the fact that this could happen to someone who never intentionally set out to hurt another human being. Someone who did not yet have the qualities that I mentioned above.
I am always conscience of others' feelings. I entertain, miscommunication, ignorance and preconceived ideas as obstacles to overcome when dealing with others and make every effort to show my concern, consideration and acceptance of others...As I expect in return.
The accumulation of experiences in which "good" people have failed to see the lengths that I go to, to be a "good" person and rarely exert any care to reciprocate has made me an angry person.
Each day and each interaction I have, I enter into with the optimism of a child, a heart filled with genuine love and kindness and a desire to see the best in others. The result is an increasing level of disappointment, pain, foolishness, frustration and anger that is brought out by once again being misjudged, stereotyped, used and treated with a lack of common decency. Although I still begin with a level of optimism each and every time this occurs, my anger and resentment rises further and further to the surface.
It pains me that I have allowed these qualities to be a regular part of me... But, I Know, I am a GOOD person.