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My Children Are My Angels

I am surround by angels. This, I believe with all my heart. I have had 8 pregnancies. Of those I was only able to carry 2, and yet still nearly lost them as well. My body is in rebellion. The doctors said that I would never conceive. At 17 I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Disease. PCOD. Not only did it not allow my body to 'cycle' as it should, it caused hormone imbalances, hair to grow as thick as any man's all over my body. I grew bigger, earlier than most, and never really had a curvy figure. When I met my husband to be I told him that we would not be able to have children. So he married me anyway. Years down the road despite not preventing anything, science began taking giant strides towards trying to help childless couples with INVITRO fertilization, and a couple other procedures. For us it was a chance we could not pass up. So we began the battery of tests....on him as well as me. Come to find out it was not JUST me. HE had a low ***** count as well....something that added another challenge in our lives, as it was OK as long as I was the problem. But we had a whole different can of worms open up when they said his 'wigglers' were deformed! As it turned out our insurance would pay for most of the tests on me. One of them was a biopsy. This test was the one that mattered the most. 6 weeks after having a tube inserted INTO my uterus and nipping out a chunk, I was pregnant. No doctor, no INVITRO, I broke every rule in the history of PCOD. We were elated! I carried my son for 17 weeks. Far to short for his beautiful life to be saved. I mourned him as though he was mine,(felt like I shouldn't do so because he didn't survive). I was forced to give up my hopes and dreams and future plans, and was so worried about what people would think! I didn't know what to do. I left him at the hospital. Not one soul came to me and told me I could DO whatever I wanted with him. I was given papers at the hospital but was too drugged and in too much pain to read them. When I was released the next day I still could not read through them. I was raw with pain and cried and cried. Three days later I finally open the envelope only to begin a whole new surge of tears. I left my son at the hospital. Little did I know I could have had him handled by a funeral home free of charge here in Iowa. I thought my son was lost, and I was broken. How could I do such a thing. I was a terrible mother to leave him there. But I could not give up I tried to reach the nursing supervisor at the hospital, and she informed me that they still had him. Here in Iowa hospitals must wait for 10 days. Sometimes families donate babies for science. But I could not.....he was mine and I wanted to know where he was. So with the help of my mom, we had a service for him and had him cremated. He is still home with me. He will be buried with whichever parent passes first, me or his daddy.

The pain of losing him was more than I could bare. I suffered so because there was another woman in my office who was due within 2 weeks my date of giving birth. I listened to this poor brain dead woman EVERYDAY. Gripe, complain, and groan over her blooming pregnancy. She was so insensitive because SHE felt that I did not have a LIVE birth, therefore, I did not really HAVE a child. My husband felt much the same way and never forgave me for having a memorial service. I found upon returning to work, that people simply do not know what to say when you lose a child prior its actual birth. Do they really think that the pain is any less. Would a still birth be any different? Yet that is acknowledged! Social appropriateness kills me. So I suffered silently, alone. Cried everyday on the way home, and envied all those around me at the mall and the store who had their babies. I prayed, begged, and still hoped that we would again be able to conceive. It took 9 months but we did again. I was scared to death? Millions of questions went through my mind. I did not want the same thing to happen. I was at the drs office for every twinge, every pain. 5 weeks early our son arrived in September. I was floating on air. It was a beautiful pregnancy. I was never grouchy or emotional like my husband was told. And I glowed! 6 months later I was pregnant and didn't know it. No symptoms at all. Just began bleeding for days beyond my normal cycle. tests showed by my blood levels that I was 6-8 weeks pregnant but had had a tubal pregnancy. The pain I had the last couple of days was literally my body pushing the egg back toward the fallopian tube. I hope I NEVER have that kind of pain again! 5 months later I was pregnant with son #2. Again 5 weeks early just days away from his brothers bday. But healthy and screaming and starving. Still haven't gotten him filled up! 6 months after his birth we were pregnant again. Kidney issues flared this time and it was a sad blessing that we did not carry that baby beyond 9 weeks. I had had 5 pregnancies in less than 5 years and my body was not happy. Our marriage did not survive this loss. Men handle these things so differently. Over the years coming I lost three more, one from a relationship that was not meant to be....so was another blessing in disguise. And two with my 2nd husband the last being when i was 45. So many things could go wrong with that so be became very, very cautious. I know my children wait for me. I am blessed to have the two I have here. And hope one day to be reunited with my Angels....

I asked the doctor who delivered by first son, 'how is it he is smiling, he has never seen a smile?' The Dr said because the angels came to take him on their wings to HEAVEN. And so I pray that they are all together with their great grandmas .....waiting......
passionateheart61 passionateheart61 46-50, F Apr 25, 2012

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