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Where's My Kid?

There's a secret known only to those of us whose children have died long before their time. It's unspoken, yet understood. Once the obituary is written, the prayers said, the tidy crust-less sandwiches eaten and everyone who surrounded you with love goes back to their corners to lick their own wounds, you confront it for the first time. Where's my kid? That's where the real journey begins.

The months that follow kick the crap out of you. In and out of the proverbial rabbit hole you go, emerging when you must; retreating when you can, and still the question remains. Where are you? For some, like my husband, her father, the trip takes him back in time to the church pews of his childhood, where he seeks her in every hymn that is sung each Sunday. Sometimes he can hear her whisper to him there.

His place doesn't work for me and I dig into string theory and quantum physics with a vengeance, its confounding numeric a welcome relief from the ever-present thrum of pain. If energy can be neither made nor destroyed, my daughter and I reasoned together, we just have to find where it goes to find each other once again. That lone goal drives me now.

I hear her voice in my head. I ask, she answers. I don't tell everyone this for obvious reasons. Imagined or real? I don't know but the conversation continues daily and with it the conviction grows that am finding her, one tiny atom at a time.

She and I spent hours debating the merits of television psychics like Sylvia Browne and John Edward who, for a fat (and I mean really fat!) fee, will link you to your lost loved one. If they can do it for cash, we reckoned, we ought to be able to do it ourselves in the name of love. Imagine my shock when I discovered that after death communication has become big business in the grief community and I'll admit, I struggle with that. Surely it's not ethical or even wise for someone offering their services as a grief counselor to take a vulnerable individual to any spiritual place they may not be prepared to go. But I know that a parent that has lost a child will go to any lengths to find her and that alone opens the door to exploitation. I proceed with caution. I look for science-based explanations that rub up uncomfortably against spiritual theories and hope that the friction they stir in each other will lead me to the garden of Eden I seek - the place where my child now resides - the place where our conversation can continue ad infinitum. That's where my kid is.

© wheresmykid.wordpress.com 2012
wheresmykid wheresmykid 56-60, F 4 Responses May 10, 2012

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I'm coming up on the 18th the year date of my sons death the sad thing is my wife passed away when the boys were 5-7 I lived for them now 2/3 of my family is died I have not left my home in 358 days the pain is to great to loss two of the most loved people in the world I don't want to live why just for more pain NOT please hhelp me understand why I have so much death in my life Pat

2 years ago we lost our daughter. I am more like your huband and my wife a little like you. I have no answers or wisdom except to say you are not alone in your struggles and that all we can do is believe or look for something to believe in. I don't know if there is a heaven or anything like that but i try to believe. I get more comfort from what I don't believe, which is that I don't believe a person just stops at death but that somehow and in some way they stay as part of the universe. The big question is in what way.

Hi wheresmykid. My name is David, I can explain from experience after 19 years 2 days 39 minutes where she is. I am a big believer in the notion that all energy is constant. Never leaving just changing from one state to another. All of the feelings, thoughts, emotions and everything else is true. I often thought in the first years it would be simple enough to curl up in a knot and die. But I had 5 other children that needed dad. I was bad but I still had the brave face i supported everyone. Then i started noticing things in a different light like i would think of him and it seemed time would stop, or i would see double rainbows when others saw only a small one, or i would question where are you now and seemingly a voice would say Your little buddy is still here dad. I seem to see and here him everywhere and nowhere. I have no idea about the merits of an afterlife, but what i do know is that In June of 2009 when i had a nasty car accident and almost lost my life there he was comforting me letting me know it would be ok. Was this real or was this just my imagination, I have no answer for that. I do know he was a comfort and strength when it would have been so easy to die, he kept seeming to tell me if died on that day that my mom who had survived the death of one child would not be able to do it again, and somehow with a broken neck i did, I crawled from the wreck paralyzed on half my body. Even the doctors were shocked I was alive. After three surgeries and over two years of rehab, i have learned to walk again and have returned to as full a life as possible and i credit my son with saving me. I don't have all the answers. I know that my child is physically gone, but i know he is still here watching over his family. There will be times when something reminds you of your child, you might fell like someone has touched you when there is no one there. It is their way of saying I am still right here, and if you listen with your heart you can hear them. As a 19 year member of the DPC, I can honestly say i feel every but of your pain and I know the struggle you have and will continue to go thru. I now have started going to help others who have lost their children because unless you have been there, you just can't understand. <br />
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i will keep you and your husband in my heart and prayers as the road you will journey is longer than anyone knows, who has not already started on it.

That was really profound! Thank you for sharing.