Miss My Mum So Much

as fare back as i can remember mum would talk to me about her problem money and my dad beating her mostly.
it was always sad to here her but i would love to sit and listen right now
she has been dead since nov 2006 it took 18month for her to slowly drift away in front of us and the pain has never gone.
i delivered my eldest son and mum explained she had ,had lose stool for around 7weeks i told her to go to the dr she was put on immodium but them her tummy started to grow she was angery at the world she started calling me and giving me abuse at all hours of the night to the point of having to unplug the telephone .
then one day i got a call she was crying i am in so much pain what could i do shes my mum i had to put my feeling aside i told her i would go see her.
when i got there she look like she was heavily pregnant we went to the dr he said your just fat i told the dr you dont get that fat in 3wks he booked her in for a scan but it was a week before she was seen and there was so much fluid that they couldnt see her organs i was so cross because i had told the gp she needed top be at the hospital a week before .
that was the monday and she spent the next 3-4days being asked how much do you drink she got up set with this then we found out they had the wrong notes same name but an alcoholic.
mum called me she said the penny has dropped she was so brave the had told her that she had cancer of the overies she asked me not to tell my sisters and my brother i packed my changing bag left my sister with my daughter and said that mum is lonely i dont no how i didnt cry infront of them i hurt so much i could barely see to drive there i cried all the way to the hospital.
and as i sat there trying to console my mum i was fighting the tears and i was struggling to breast feed my baby .
it got to me so much that i had to call on of my sister who was at uni and my brother i just couldnt handle the pain on my own i told mum i was sorry and she understud,
when my sister arrived home we went to the hospital and had to go to the toilet so mum couldnt see us upset we cried so hard in the toilets but we had to pull our selfs together for mum she needed us to be strong (i cant stop crying while i am writing this )
we spent hours by mums bed side in the coming months i would get up wash and dress myself feed baby and go to the hosp in the after noon then go home and make tea and go straight back to the hosp i could bare mum being alone.
then mum had her first chemo she went into shock there was only me there i was scared she was going to die alsorts went though my head if she dies the family will blame me i took her there .my dads just said we were lying he said it was all a lie that there was nothing wrong with her he even said he hoped she dies.
a week or so went by and they tried her on a new chemo it worked she was going in to remission the dr could get over how quick it worked she didnt even need the full course .
but it was short lived with in a couple of months it was back again we were called in and told she may only have a couple of weeks to live she was give chemo again and again went into remission i married my husband the weekend before it was the best present being told that a couple of day later
this happen several times in the next year but just before our wedding ann she went in to hosp she never left the hospital after that she dies a couple of months later is cant say the sadness inside has ever got better but before we lost her we were able to talk honestly and heal some wounds being the first born i felt like i didnt matter that much but she told me how proud she was of me and one time she saw me at work she cried i am a nurse she always new is was what i wanted to be from being young she wraped her arm around me and hugged me on the ward i was a little red lol all my patients watching but it is a nice mermory of my mum i will cherish for ever ,
when she died we had been at her bed side for what seemed like an age i had popped home to feed the dog she died 5mins before me and my sister got back i remember saying to my sister mum has passed she told me off but orchard row was playing it was like a message from mum i am going home she missed my grandad just as i miss her.
when we got to the hospital she look she peaceful and angelic i didnt no what to do i held her hand and said your at peasce now mum no more pain i love you kissed her forehead and allowed my sister to come forward we were all in shock nobody new what to say we walked away and had a cup of tea i kissed her when we weny had it was like kissing a wax candle i wish i hadn't its now a nice memory .
well thats my story i am going to go away and have a cry now it hurts so much
mariebaby mariebaby
36-40, F
Sep 22, 2012