The Lonelyness Of The Long Distance UserHi, i've decided i'm not gonna write a long story of all the different drugs i've used, I find most users have a pretty similar story, gateway drugs etc! I wanna talk about where I am now after almost 18 years of heroin use and numerous failed methadone maintenance programmes and also a few failed detoxes. It's tough to say it but I feel i've actually given up hope which is a sad thing to admit but i've gotten into my head for some reason that i'm gonna die using heroin. I left school when I was 15 and worked all my life up untill 7 years ago when I changed from a so called 'functioning addict' to a 'junkie'. I had a great job and because i'd been stable on methadone on and off for around 3 years I had a wonderfull girlfriend that had no idea about drugs, i'd everything I wanted at that stage, a nice place, a company car a nice motorbike i'd always wanted but for some reason I decided to throw it all away, everything, one thing at a time, I actually ended up homeless in a short space of time and very lonely. I know it wasn't a decision too throw it all away but it was me that decided to inject heroin for the first time, I say it to anyone that'll listen that chases the dragon, don't ever try injecting because you won't be able to stop.
After 7 years of injecting i've destroyed all the veins in my arms, legs, feet, neck and know i'm having to use my groin that I swore i'd never do but I was sick of blowing myself and getting apsis's(spell?) and wasting my precious drugs.
My life now consists of getting up in the morning, going scoring and then going back to my room I rent (paid for by welfare) and sitting like a vegatable watching tv or playing games on the computer. It's a lonely existence, i've no real friends, my family aren't to keen on seeing me either and who can blame them. I feel because I had everything I wanted and threw it all away that theres no point in trying to get it all back because i'll just end up throwing it all away again and I really couldn't survive that again, i'd just slit my wrists. Where do I go from here? I have no reason to get clean in my mind, I have a good supply of decent heroin that I sell my methadone and pills to pay for. I just can't motivate myself to do anything, it's like i'm waiting to die and i'm only 36 yrs old! I might be waiing a good while. I did try once to end my life back when everything was falling apart, I put about a full 1/8 of an oz on a spoon and banged it, I woke up about 26 hours later with a headache and dying sick. Must have been sh*t gear. Has anyone else out there been in a similar experience? If so is there something that clicks in your head that changes you or am I just gonna die in this damn room? My life's been groundhog day for about 3 or 4 years now and I just can't see a way out and i've lost all the drive I had when I was working and had some kinda life. To be honest if I died the first one to notice would be my damn dealer, then maybe after I began to rot my landlord might notice the smell. To be even more honest maybe i'm already dead or at least dying, just i'm doing it slowly. Wow how bloody depressing am I?