The Lonelyness Of The Long Distance User

Hi, i've decided i'm not gonna write a long story of all the different drugs i've used, I find most users have a pretty similar story, gateway drugs etc! I wanna talk about where I am now after almost 18 years of heroin use and numerous failed methadone maintenance programmes and also a few failed detoxes. It's tough to say it but I feel i've actually given up hope which is a sad thing to admit but i've gotten into my head for some reason that i'm gonna die using heroin. I left school when I was 15 and worked all my life up untill 7 years ago when I changed from a so called 'functioning addict' to a 'junkie'. I had a great job and because i'd been stable on methadone on and off for around 3 years I had a wonderfull girlfriend that had no idea about drugs, i'd everything I wanted at that stage, a nice place, a company car a nice motorbike i'd always wanted but for some reason I decided to throw it all away, everything, one thing at a time, I actually ended up homeless in a short space of time and very lonely. I know it wasn't a decision too throw it all away but it was me that decided to inject heroin for the first time, I say it to anyone that'll listen that chases the dragon, don't ever try injecting because you won't be able to stop.
After 7 years of injecting i've destroyed all the veins in my arms, legs, feet, neck and know i'm having to use my groin that I swore i'd never do but I was sick of blowing myself and getting apsis's(spell?) and wasting my precious drugs.
My life now consists of getting up in the morning, going scoring and then going back to my room I rent (paid for by welfare) and sitting like a vegatable watching tv or playing games on the computer. It's a lonely existence, i've no real friends, my family aren't to keen on seeing me either and who can blame them. I feel because I had everything I wanted and threw it all away that theres no point in trying to get it all back because i'll just end up throwing it all away again and I really couldn't survive that again, i'd just slit my wrists. Where do I go from here? I have no reason to get clean in my mind, I have a good supply of decent heroin that I sell my methadone and pills to pay for. I just can't motivate myself to do anything, it's like i'm waiting to die and i'm only 36 yrs old! I might be waiing a good while. I did try once to end my life back when everything was falling apart, I put about a full 1/8 of an oz on a spoon and banged it, I woke up about 26 hours later with a headache and dying sick. Must have been sh*t gear. Has anyone else out there been in a similar experience? If so is there something that clicks in your head that changes you or am I just gonna die in this damn room? My life's been groundhog day for about 3 or 4 years now and I just can't see a way out and i've lost all the drive I had when I was working and had some kinda life. To be honest if I died the first one to notice would be my damn dealer, then maybe after I began to rot my landlord might notice the smell. To be even more honest maybe i'm already dead or at least dying, just i'm doing it slowly. Wow how bloody depressing am I?
al80irl al80irl
36-40, M
5 Responses Nov 14, 2011

Al80irl, the first thing you may want to do is find support in WANTING to change. Pray. Then move yourself out of the room. Register @ your local community college for some classes. Try taking a Psychology class as that will help you understand human nature and why humans do destructive things to themselves. Your understanding will help you to change for the better! Lastly, if you think you are all bad, then the hope is gone. You are not bad at all. It's the CHOICES that you made are bad. So start thinking positive and do positive things. When you take drugs, you are robbing your own self and your life. Out of billions of people, you are the only one on this planet that is you. That's really cool. You don't live for somebody else. That's your body you are either saving and working hard to keep healthy, or you can destroy yourself. Do not choose the latter. MAKE a consious effort to change your thinking. You can do it. A relative has been on H for 40 years. It's sad. This person's lost all the 6 children, no job and on SSI. It's pitiful because this person used to be functioning. But it's his stupid choice. You are not like this! <br />
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So you can either change yourself and your thinking or just stay the way you are. There is hope. But you have to want it more than the drugs. You have to. Your life is important. Don't waste it. If you lost you, you won't be around anymore. That's really stupid. And I know you are NOT stupid.

Hi Bob, thanks for your kind words. I have recently started trying to get into an in patient detox, it's very hard to get in to these places. In Ireland there are only 2 places like this, one has 10 beds the other 16 and there never full because of lack of funds in the system. Hopefully i'll get in before I kill myself, as you said it would be a total waste of a life and life is so special. Again thanks for reading my story and your kind worads.

you sund as though you have really had enough which is good in comparison to those who do not want to stop!!and love to steal an decieve for there dope i could never do such things so i have gotten **** under control because if you wont lie cheat and steal u are sick alot gooodluck in the new ear

Many thanks for your very kind words, ye i really have been through so much things need to change for the better. I know how hard its gonna be but recently i've decided to try again do something about my addiction. I hope you accept my friend request. It's good to have friends on here to share experiences that understand. Good luck to you in the new year too

I know exactly how u feel i gave up and resigned myself to the fact that i will always be a smack head but i got to such a low point and spent years living groundhog day and one day i just decided enough is enough i am better than this and deserve to have a'normal life' watever that is. i know it will always hang over my head and i will always be thinking is this the day i **** things up but like i said n my story i just take it one day at atime and c how it goes. you can do it u just have to want to. good luck x

Hi Babyneo, since i've written this story i've decided i need to do something, my brothers in detox doing really well and his strength is giving me hope. So i've decided that in the second week of the new year i'm gonna strat to turn things around. Theres no point trying now before the holidays because I know it would be too hard and i'd fall on my ***. Thanks for taking the time to comment, I hope you stay in touch and let me know how your getting on, and good luck to you too,
Al. x

Hi Emely, thanks very much for your kind words and if you want to ask me any questions about your project i'd be happy to help. Ye what I was saying about how hard it would be to get all the things in my life back isn't as bad as the tought of getting it all back and losing it again, I couldn't go through that again. I am lucky that my family do talk to me but i don't see them often enough, I reckon they've given u any hope of me recovering because they see no change in my life. <br />
And your right what you said maybe i shouldn't worry what i can get back i should worry about getting clean first.<br />
Again thanks for your kind words

Hi al80irl. I've been reading these stories lately for a school project that I am working on. So you may not want to even hear what I have to say because I am not an addict myself. The truth is life ******* sucks sometimes for all of us! I can't imagine what it feels like to live a life where you have to fight daily to not go after something you LOVE. Something you want and NEED. You sound like you are at the end and have totally given up. I realize there probably arent any words that I can find that would change your mind but Id like to try. I heard you say you had evrything you could want, place, job, company car.....etc. What about happiness? What about love? It doesn't sound like you have many meaningful relationships in your life. That is sad. If you were to die now you say no one would care, no one w ould notice....,you don't care. Even someone who picks up a needle and injects himself with heroin is still worthy of love. I have a family member who did horrible things to get his drug of choice. Horrible things to me, to other family members but I love him and wouldn't trade him. Maybe you are killing yourself you may be dead now, you may never get this but if you do reach out to someone you love if you don't have anyone then FIND someone. I realize not everyone is blessed with a loving family but there is someone out their who cares qand would love even a" junkie" like your self. Getting everything back sounds and I am sure seems like a long journey, maybe you could focus on just getting better so that you can have company and someone to pass time with, so you can feel again. Try to focus on something more immediate that you would like. Best of wishes! If you can and want to there is a video that your story brought to mind for me, it's called Ben Rogers Diary of a Heroin Addict. I recomend! <br />