Not Living....only Existing In An Empty Shell.

Hello to all the fellow ghosts out there...That's exactly how I feel about myself; a disembodied entity just floating around aimlessly with no purpose or meaning. I've been a heroin addict around 25 years now. I started when I was 18 years I'm 43 and still struggling with the ***** from hell that is smack. My name's David and I live in Massachusetts. I had a pretty normal childhood and teen years until I hit my junior year. I started off smoking weed and swallowing microdots(mescaline) before classes; skipped school a lot just gettin high and hangin out with my school buddies. After I barely graduated, I graduated to cocaine and booze along with the weed(had to give up the mescaline cause it was causing me to have grand mal seizures and blacking out...SCARY!!!!! )I should have straightened up then but of course when you're young you're invincible. But then in 1987 one of my old school chums intro'ed me to heroin and that was the beginning of a hell on Earth that after numerous detoxes, methadone clinics, psych ward stays(when I wanted to slit my wrists or fill a syringe with straight bleach) I still exist but barely hanging on...If it weren't for a loving Mom whom I have put through all sorts of **** yet she still provides a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in(when I sleep which isn't much these days). I am currently unemployable, severely depressed and I feel if it weren't for Mom I would have checked out long ago. I can't do it cause I know it would end her and she's 82 years old(well I guess there's some feelings left in this battered old shell.

My lonely days consist of getting out of bed after a sleepless night, throwing on some stinky old clothes and going out to hustle up some dough for my breakfast(couple of bags). I call a buddy who owns a few properties to see if there's work to be done anywhere like mowing, painting, cleanup or whatever. if not then I go scrapping for metal, stripping A/Cs, televisions, anything that has copper, aluminum, brass or any type of precious metals I can sell to recyclers. If it's dry out there then I'm in for a day of lying on my couch shivering, vomiting, running to the can cause I have the runs, sweating one minute, freezing the next, you know the drill if you use...Damn it I know what I have to do to get off this effin' roller coaster ride but I just can't make myself start in the right direction; I'm too down and severely depressed to do it. Maybe I think it's fear cause I know I have to turn my life upside down and inside out. Cut out all "friends", associates, move away to a new locale anything that I consider a "trigger" to use....****, what isn't a trigger to me...even money is a trigger to use...

Well if you're like me in any of those respects, you know where I stand now...desperately wanting to stop but it feels like climbing a wall made of ice...So lonely that my only friend is my cat, who loves me no matter what. I live with Mom and my older brother who's in the same hell but at least he's holding the same job he's had since high school. A house with other people living here but I still feel isolated and alone-------Guess that's all I have to say for now....thanks for reading this; if you haven't touched heroin, you know what's in as fast as you can away from anyone who offers it!!!
razkal413 razkal413
41-45, M
4 Responses Jun 19, 2012

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I can totaly relate. It takes everything to want to be clean. It takes even more to get clean and staying away is even harder. Its been 7 months for me and im glad you guys are out there. Im no longer alone in my fears

thanks for writing this son came forward and told me he's been addicted to heroin for the last 7 months....i recognize your symptoms, from what i've seen him go through.....i pray for both of you