I Just Watched Videos Of Myself..

I just watched videos of myself doing heroin. I watched my addiction progress from snorting heroin to rid myself of benzo withdrawals to the first few times I shot up and all the way to the last few. I made these videos so that when I want to relapse again, I watch how disgusting I look and act right after I shoot up and hopefully change my mind. So far, after months and months of trying to stop, I am only now watching them. I watched so long that it stopped looking like me. I considered what I would do if this were someone else, someone other than me. I know I would attempt to save them. I would do all I could to reach out to this person and help them help themselves. There is clearly something bothering them, something they are running from and they are walking a fine line with death during the journey. In the videos, if I’m not nodding out or cooking more dope then I’m asking myself to stop doing this to myself. I look absolutely insane in the process. But then I realize, me on drugs isn't the same and sober me. The voice that reaches out and begs me to stop must be my soul doing all that it can to preserve itself. And from the looks of it, I must have a very strong willed soul. It’s begging me to stop polluting the body, to stop killing it. That it hasn't experienced a whole lot of good and would love the chance to be able to. There is a fight within me every step of the way.
I have been sober 8 days now and struggling every hour of it. The most I have gone without hard drugs in my system is 20 days. But lately, my relapses have been a weekly to bi-weekly occurrence. I am at 8 days and just living for today. Tomorrow is a battle I will face tomorrow. I will not worry today for what may happen tomorrow. I will not hate myself today for what happened yesterday. Today is all that matters. Yesterday, I was a different person. That is what I will keep reminding myself. I must.
I know that this drug has a death grip on me, but I also know that there is hope if I look for it, if I choose to see it. This is true of all addicts, if they allow it to be.
StellaBloo StellaBloo
22-25, F
6 Responses Dec 5, 2012

if your injecting,why not try to just snort it,,,then when youve done that cut down bit by bit, then go on a programme to get you on to methadone,then subatex,i dont kno if you can do that as iv never ever touched any drug in my life ,but my daughter has.

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Thanks! I started the year off right and maintained my sobriety. One day at a time. :)

Congratulations on your 10th day, How's it going? Such respect for you.

Thank you for this outlook...my son is fighting his addiction to heroin as well. I think was an awesome idea to video tape yourself!..if you can be 'disgusted' with what you see, that must make it a little easier for you.....if just sending you strength to keep clean, i would send you mountains of it........i pray for you and my son.

I wish your son the best. Never give up on him, it might lead him to give up on himself. My family has watched my attempts to get sober so many times, they have little faith in me, if any. The only thing keeping me strong at the moment is knowing that someone believes in me. This is a battle I will face everyday, as all addicts do, but knowing I am not alone in this endeavour makes all the difference in the world. Thank you for sharing your strength. Its my 10th day sober and I hopeful.

congratulations on 10 days sober!...every day, every little step is a triumph!