Help Me? Or Let My Story Help You.

I've always believed in God, even right now. In my darkest of time, I believe God has a plan for me. I was born and raised in various parts of queens and nassau county, long island, New York. Ever since I was 9, I've been looking for ways to escape from myself and the situations put before me. I'm 18 today, and am living in the past with no ambition, just hoping comes new years, I'll have the balls and the money to put myself in a detox, then 30 day in-patient program. I graduated high school last year, one of my proudest days.Having accomplished what many of the people in my family hadn't, but I was high. Everyday,I'm sticking a needle filled with 4-7 bags of dope in whatever vein is available, however many times a day I possibly can. I want so bad to point the banger in the air and push down the plunger, losing all of my dope but the fear of that suffering scares me into complacency. I have dreams, I want to do things with my life. I'm actually a genius. My IO is 147. I've been raped and sexually assaulted on two different occasions, I bear that burden every day and some nights in my nightmares. But dope helps me to feel numb, which has become my new happiness and I do not dwell on what horror I've been through.
My dad, who I met when I was 9 hardly sees me anymore, but when he does, he's sure to let me know what a mistake I was. You see, I ****** up his family. He and his wife were seperated when I was concieved and I made it more difficult to return to his "American Dream." My mom loves me, but she gets mad sometimes and says cruel things like I should kill myself and I'm a worthless heroin addict. I wonder if she means it when she says she hates me.
I wonder if I mean it when I make these illustrious plans to end my life. I wonder if I have the balls, or if God would allow it as he has stopped it so many times before.
3 years of my life, devoted to some brownish liquid that makes you feel good when you inject it and stops you from being sick,because of one bad mistake one summer? Seems unreasonable to me. It should've seemed unreasonable to my 15 year old mind to allow some girl to shoot heroin into my arm. It hit me hard, euphoria. My problems no longer existed, not knowing this would be the very high I chase for years to come.
My brother just started shooting d a few months ago, I let him.. I hang out with him and do it, I fear for his life so I feel obligated to assure he gets to live it. He buys me my stuff pretty often and that makes me feel bad. It makes me think he thinks he needs to buy my attention and favors. I miss how it used to be, when we were brother and sister and not two friends who do dope together.
I tried detox, I guess I wasn't ready since the same day I got out, I went and got a bundle and did the whole thing in one shot.
I don't fear for my life, I wish for my death. I'm a coward, I don't want to face my demons when I know damn well I have someone who is there for me 100%.
We'll call her Emily, she's been mine for 2 years and 2 months. She's amazing. She doesn't do dope, but I got her into shooting coke like the idiot I am. She wants to stop, and it kills me to see her do it. But my addiction is bringing her around it and she won't leave my side in fear of what I'll do left to my own devices, and what this life will do to me. She supports me financially and drives me around.
Being gay is just another on my long list of problems, multiplying as the days go by.
I hope some girl or guy sees this who is gay, or has been raped or sexually assaulted, maybe has dad issues or a close friend or family member with a bad addiction that affects theirs and knows that I'm going through it, even though I'm vulnerable. And maybe you can find a way to contact me, tell me about you and your problems. God knows I need a friend right now. You think I'm helping you? You're the one who's helping me. It's stories that I read about girlsand guys like me that give me the hope and strength to get through this. It's the though that they walk with their heads high everyday that allows me to as well. What doesn't kill you doesn't make you stronger, it makes you mad as ****. But it's what you do with that anger that gives you the power. You survived it, whatever it is. You harboring the pain and anger is only letting whoever or whatever tried to "kill" you win. Please, keep my story in your heart and pray for me.
Love,
Elizabeth<3
thisishardxo thisishardxo
18-21
5 Responses Dec 15, 2012

Join www.facebook.com/groups/HeroinSupport or www.facebook.com/HeroinKillsYou

You are not alone! I know what it's like, I became addicted so quickly. I never thought that trying something once would change the whole rest of my life. Us addicts are very smart people, the smartest! We are not weak. I'm in early recovery which I never thought possible. 2 monthes ago I was working as a call girl. All the money in the world won't bring happiness. you never want to go down that path. Trust me! Getting sober was pure hell, but at least now I can look myself in the mirror and know I'm a decent human being. I still fiend for that numbness, but I don't want to feel like dying again. I wanted to die so badly for so long, but God must have a plan for me because I'm still here. It's never too late. Don't give up. You are here for a reason <3

check out my fb page, it's new, but I used to be an addict but have 9 years clean and I want to help addicts, recovering addicts, and family and friends of addicts. I am trying to pass word around about my facebook page so I can begin helping people. Please check it out, if you need someone to talk to please go my page and I'll be happy help and give u support and listen!!! U can read my story and my purpose of my page if u click under community on my page.

www.facebook.com/heroinaddictionhelp

I help with all types of addiction I been through them all!! Please know my page is new and doesn't have many likes yet but hoping that changes soon as page gets spread around!! I am always available to help!!!!

Yo yo yo~ ! Not sure if you'll ever come back to the site and see this miss thisishard, but I figured I could relate a bit and may as well fashion some kind of a response.
I guess I'll start with what we have in common..obviously I'm a heroin addict, too, as well as a bisexual little freaky chick whose mumma used to say the awful and bad things mumma's can say, and I've been raped at least once, when I lost my virginity, and I'm perdy sure this awful toothless guy raped me. I mean, I woke up three days later in a hotel room full of strangers in another state and he seemed all too familiar. Yech! That whole thing led to me getting arrested as I happened to wake up in the city with the cheapest bundles I'd ever seen, and obviously started selling it, eventually to a C.I. and a cop. :(

I don't know what my posting can really do to help you but I guess make you realize you aren't alone. That's lucky you've got your girl and brother around. My boyfriend is up in CT now and I miss him terribly. I start my classes again tomorrow (college). maybe that will help. I'm ******* lonely. moved home to my folks in nj for a little break from Brookyn. I could never have gotten a few days off had I stayed in BK.

I kicked dope over winter break. Snuck up to my boyfriends and pissed and puked in a bucket for a few days. Apparently his parents had uninvited me so I had to hide the whole time in his basement. Thankfully I was able to sneak up to the bathroom once where I seriously took a poop LONGER THAN A RULER. I kid you not! (and it wasn't the first of such length) Pretty ****** time to say the least, haha.
Shot two bags once I hit brooklyn (that I barely felt.)
but it's crazy....I'm actually over the physically dependent part. Suboxone is a dream drug. Never had much faith in it but it really helped the withdrawls. Still felt like **** for two days..but TWO DAYS? seriously? This last run was about 2.5 years (been doing it for five years overall. 18 to 23 though a year and a half was clean time in a T.C. and due to frequent drug tests. I can't really take all the credit there)


what am I even writing? what am I saying>?
basically, yeah, i feel you. and this sucks. I hope I can be happy one day without doing dope. I wish i didn't want to do it. I know it's ruining the potential I have to be successful and I'm so sick of living in ghettos and being poor and not having enough food for me and the cats and never ever washing my clothes. I shouldn't have to wash underwear in the sink every night you can wash a load of clothes for five bucks...THAT I NEVER HAVE.

crazy! stupid!
and what's worse is that I know I'm going back to the city tomorrow and I've already secured a small sum of money from mum. I will try my damndest to spend it on weed instead of dope. It's not like thirty bucks minus the cost of rigs, etc. , will get me far.

the weed has helped tremendously with the depression and boredom by the way. I recommend that anyone trying to quit dope get at LEAST a small amount. I have regressed so much. back to my thirteen year old self. sitting nekkid in the bathroom as the shower blasts on it's highest heat, so I can covertly smoke my pot in my parent's home. pathetic.

sorry for such a scatterbrained post. I love people who do heroin. I wish the rest of the world did. it would make this so much easier. So would money.

check out my fb page, it's new, but I used to be an addict but have 9 years clean and I want to help addicts, recovering addicts, and family and friends of addicts. I am trying to pass word around about my facebook page so I can begin helping people. Please check it out, if you need someone to talk to please go my page and I'll be happy help and give u support and listen!!! U can read my story and my purpose of my page if u click under community on my page.

www.facebook.com/heroinaddictionhelp

I help with all types of addiction I been through them all!! Please know my page is new and doesn't have many likes yet but hoping that changes soon as page gets spread around!! I am always available to help!!!!

do you ever watch the tv show intervention? this sounds like an episode i recently watched...i understand the addiction is bigger than you, and your reasoning mind can't let go of the poison. You are afraid of the sickness that comes with withdrawal...i know this because my 18 year old son is addicted to heroin as well...he did the same thing as you, the same day he came out of detox, he used again. Is there some sort of counselling that's either free or on a sliding scale or something?...you have many issues to sort through, until things will become a little clearer...are you ready for rehab?..my son is on a list..as far as your mother goes...she doesn't mean it when she says those things...it's hard on us moms to watch our children go through this, when we feel helpless to help....