Love/hate Heroin

if anyone knows the song 'heroin' by lou reed/velvet underground (check it out on you tube)....its so like that to me....the words & the altering tempo of the music....is just like shooting up
i love heroin, i dont want to be clean & i hate heroin, i wish i could stay clean
thats the total of my story, but heres the slightly longer part
my parents were addicts & i was pretty much brought up by my grandparents even tho officially lived with parents still. my grandparents gave me my other addiction, music. of course having lived with H addicts i never thought id be one. when i moved away for work (nurse training) thats when i first did drugs, kinda 'tried' all sorts, but heroin was the biggie id longed to try....i wanted to know what all the fuss had been about all these years & to understand why my parents could bring kids into the world when they couldnt look after them & why they didnt love us enough to give up the smack (yeah, childhood issues, grow up ornament!). So i smoked it on & off for around, ive no real idea, 6 years maybe. Then my parents announced they were getting clean once and for all so my sister + me went back home to look after them. After seeing all that i announced i was never doing H again. well, that didnt last long. I even started IVing, but still told myself & friends I wasnt addicted & was a 'functioning' addict...still had my nursing job. The rent on my flat went unpaid, i had maxed out on about a dozen credit cards, i owed money to my sis + my friends, id sold just about everything that i convinced myself i didnt really want anyway.
Everything, last year, happened at once, i was suspected at work of using, this was confirmed & i got struck off the register. i got kicked out of my flat, declared a big 'no way' by the bank. sponged off friends, stole from my sis, sold some more things, then when there was nothing left of any worth to sell my dealer said he could fix me up with someone who wanted gay sex...so thats what i did. I was so disgusted with myself I decided to go withdrawl, omg, not pretty. ppl would imagine after all that pain & mental hell & fever & pukeing & diarrhea & being unable to get outta the bed even then, no-one would ever not stay clean.....but i missed it & i missed the Iv part too & i went back to it. I had a court date for possession & i tried suicide (razor blade to the wrists)..so the court sent me on a compulsory treatment order which meant i was sectioned. i got clean & got my head sorted out a lot. on leaving the hospital i said id start anew. moved to another place, but no job etc made me miserable so i moved back to the city & took the decision to start using again & go back to prostitution to pay for it.
oneday in the not too far away future ill have to stop the whoring, i mean im not getting younger im 31 now....what will happen then, idk, maybe try & go clean again, if i live that long
( if youre gonna try heroin, simply dont, the reason they say you can get addicted from the 1st time is not becuz youre like an addict then its becuz sooner or later youre want to do it again, and even when you tell yourself just once more, it happens again, eventually)
if youve read this then thankyou
ornament ornament
31-35, M
2 Responses Jan 8, 2013

I agree with hippiechick333, it is a horrible thing you are going through. Your friends are hoping you find the strength to get through this. You are a much better person then this!

thankx thats nice of u to say

Awww... this makes me so sad... you are such a good person inside... I sure hope you can find the strength to get clean and stay that way... sending positive thoughts your way... peace and love my friend (hugs)

thankx (((hugs)))