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Heroin: My Love Affair

Six months ago I couldn't even tell you what black tar was. My boyfriend at the time, a serious drug abuser, introduced me to this evil. But it didn't feel evil. As the vapors from the tin foil filled my lungs I instantly developed a new crush. A new relationship was born that would take me away from the one I was already in. Unfortunately, this new love affair was even more damaging.
I ditched the boyfriend and have been going steady with H since then. I used to only need a little to get a euphoric feeling but before you know it I was spending 20 dollars a day to eventually 40 dollars a day on my relationship. I justified and denied my addiction to heroin. I thought it made me a better person. It would help me reflect and deal. I would tell some friends, who I thought wouldn't judge me, about my use with heroin and I'd almost be proud about. Like I was excited to share my addiction in hopes that they would confess that they were also addicted.
The reactions weren't what I expected. Instead of a shared interest, they showed concern. My friends were worried and I felt upset. I wouldn't be told what to do or have anyone worry about me. In fact, their concern intensified my relationship with heroin. It became something I did along. I sat alone in my closet and closed the door only to be alone with the monster.

"I'm not addicted."
"I could stop if I wanted to. I just don't have a reason to."
"I"m young. I'll stop when I'm older."

Justification, lie, lie, lie. That's all I could do at that point. I wasn't ready to face the fact that I developed a severe opiate addiction. It wasn't until tonight that I realized that I have to end my relationship. I've been having abnormal breathing problems. I wake up sounding like Darth Vader. I ignored it but tonight was the worst it's ever been. I woke up in a terror because I couldn't get control of my breath. It felt like I was breathing through a tiny stirring straw and I started to panic. It was the middle of the night and I thought I'd had to rush myself to the ER. I started researching heroin and the effects. I found "Heroin overdoses frequently involve a suppression of respiration." I continued reading other side effects and became terrified.
I was multitasking, jumping from tab to tab and of course facebook was one of the tabs. I was curious what my ex was up to, the one who introduced me to heroin. His most recent post was an address with a date, time, and name followed by the words funeral service. My curiously grew rapidly as I went through the comments with sad emotions and mixed thoughts but what I really wanted to read was the reason of death. Wondering if it was drug related, wondered how well my ex knew him but most of all how this person died! Then there it was... Heroin.
freesoul11 freesoul11 18-21 3 Responses Jan 22, 2013

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Please does anyone one know where to get heroin in Orlando?! My bf and i are so dope sick
We need to get better

Join www.facebook.com/groups/HeroinSupport or www.facebook.com/HeroinKillsYou

It is my love as well. I am 4 months clean but the cravings erode my brain and will power every hour it is absent in my blood. I cut my self off of sources a while ago, but it is the strongest creature out there, and it is only a matter of time until I am in harms way trying to find a fix, a fix that will be the beginning to my end. it worries me everyday, but sometimes I think it was so beautiful, maybe just pick up one more time. I know that when that happens it will be my end. but the problem is I know sooner or later I will give in and let it take hold. what was happening to you was your lungs expressing their difficulty working properly due to being coated with somewhat poorly made heroin (tar). that quickest way to death by dope is tar, shooting or smoking. so many carcinogens and cancer agents that your body can only take so much of, I'm not saying cleaner dope is better for your brain or life, but your love affair would have gone smoother longer if you had good powder H. the tar is made the same way only two main cleaning and processing actions are not carried out with the tar form. (because they know you will do it just as much, so they don't spend extra time or money for the junkies to be slightly more healthy for an extra month. they know it is in just as high of a demand, because let's face it, it's heroin, it owns you, not the other way around.)

your lungs have had enough. but i suppose that is better than your veins having had enough.

dope will be with you until the day you die, it's like alcoholism, it's always waiting for you to come back and it will always be a little or big thought in your head. you can shake the habit but you can't get its love out of your mind.

i mean i would gladly give up sex for a constant flow of dope to my brain. that's how sad my situation is. that's how sad our situation is.

i should have never let it in, in the first place, but once a needle was tried, it was welded into my brains networking and i am forever a prisoner.

I somehow stumbled onto your blog - sooo heartfelt written...Just a note of encouragement...prayers coming your way. I know that you wrote this over a year ago...but I hope that you are doing well and if not...it's not too late