Heroin: My Love Affair

Six months ago I couldn't even tell you what black tar was. My boyfriend at the time, a serious drug abuser, introduced me to this evil. But it didn't feel evil. As the vapors from the tin foil filled my lungs I instantly developed a new crush. A new relationship was born that would take me away from the one I was already in. Unfortunately, this new love affair was even more damaging.
I ditched the boyfriend and have been going steady with H since then. I used to only need a little to get a euphoric feeling but before you know it I was spending 20 dollars a day to eventually 40 dollars a day on my relationship. I justified and denied my addiction to heroin. I thought it made me a better person. It would help me reflect and deal. I would tell some friends, who I thought wouldn't judge me, about my use with heroin and I'd almost be proud about it. Like I was excited to share my addiction in hopes that they would confess that they were also addicted.
The reactions weren't what I expected. Instead of a shared interest, they showed concern. My friends were worried and I felt upset. I wouldn't be told what to do or have anyone worry about me. In fact, their concern intensified my relationship with heroin. It became something I did alone. I sat alone in my closet and closed the door only to be alone with the monster.

"I'm not addicted."
"I could stop if I wanted to. I just don't have a reason to."
"I"m young. I'll stop when I'm older."

Justifications, lie, lie, lie. That's all I could do at that point. I wasn't ready to face the fact that I developed a severe opiate addiction. It wasn't until tonight that I realized that I have to end my relationship. I've been having abnormal breathing problems. I wake up sounding like Darth Vader. I ignored it but tonight was the worst it's ever been. I woke up in a terror because I couldn't get control of my breath. It felt like I was breathing through a tiny stirring straw and I started to panic. It was the middle of the night and I thought I'd had to rush myself to the ER. I started researching heroin and the effects. I found "Heroin overdoses frequently involve a suppression of respiration." I continued reading other side effects and became terrified.
I was multitasking, jumping from tab to tab and of course Facebook was one of the tabs. I was curious what my ex was up to, the one who introduced me to heroin. His most recent post was an address with a date, time, and name followed by the words funeral service. My curiously grew rapidly as I went through the comments with sad emotions and mixed thoughts but what I really wanted to read was the reason of death. Wondering if it was drug related, wondered how well my ex knew him but most of all how this person died! Then there it was... Heroin.
I realize now how dangerous and stupid it is. I look at pictures on my laptop as it goes idle and see pictures of my family flash by. I have a beautiful niece, the most amazing mother, a supportive dad and a proud brother. Little do they know that I was sneaking out to get high when I visited them on my last vacation home. I am so disappointed in myself and I’m starting to see the reasons why I should quit. Most of all I’m so upset that I ever got involved in such a nasty drug. I’m utterly shocked to be honest. To look back at who I used to be makes me so sad because I had so much going for me, so much potential. For someone to throw that away is utterly sad. I can’t do this to myself anymore. I am stopping now before I not only hurt myself, but my family. My family is too good to me and I’m so lucky to have them in my life. I may have to live with that fact that I did this awful drug, but I will no longer live while doing the drug. I’m officially breaking up with Heroin and as Taylor Swift says, we’re never ever getting back together.
asugirl11 asugirl11
18-21, F
32 Responses Jan 22, 2013

I'm in a similar position except I've spend half my adult life behind bars due to this evil. I've got clean for over a year, studied psychology at college then relapsed but got back on Suboxone and have now been clear for nearly 3 months.
It can be done.
All the best.

That's great to hear I heard that someone who has two jobs at her one job she worked with a girl only a few times and that a notice was posted about losing an employee she found out the girl died from heroin that girl she believed was only in her twenties so I'm glad you've stopped and want to be close with your family

That was great, your better than drugs.

My deepest prayers and heartfelt love to you

Pleas please please give rehab a nother try! You can beat it you can overcome your addiction!! Tell your family tell your friends ask them to help you overcome this deadly addiction post your ex's obit on your wall to remind you daily where you are headed!

I to am a addict not to heroin I inject meth it's a great pain killer and awesome motivator trying to quit right now it's calling me the one person I'm quitting for I found out doesn't even care probably going to b high this evening and I'm going to do it up BIG I'm going to b higher than I've ever been instead of breaking my bag in four I'm cutting it in half it's going to b a rush. I'm glad you found out people care for you . They through me back to the wolves to get better. I'm not sure it's going to work ';) hope to see you on the other side

I'm clean for a year now after being addicted h for years and I injected it. I can't believe how happy I am, even tho I've been arrested multiple times lost my career, I managed to get back up, clean my record and getting my career back on track. Now it feels like I'm addicting to improving myself cuz when I was using I thought I'm doomed and my life is over but with some luck (police arrested my dealer who lived right next to me) I'm out and feel stronger and more confident then ever.
I feel like since i was able to get off one of the must dangerous drugs while still managing to work when I could to make rent and bills. So now all my problems look silly compared to before and it feels like whatever I set my mind to i can do it.
Good luck to u, being clean is the best high now cuz i know how the other side looks like.

Luv your story, all the work is worth it hey ?

Hell yea. I never thought i would get this far. In working now for a great general contractor in small gros were they build / remodel houses fir rich ppl but its 65 hours a week. I finally managed to get all the prerequisites needed for my license which will actually put me in the best position in my life (if i pass the exam 70% ppl fail on first time and its only 3 times a year.So im happy, how is everything on your end?

Cheers 2 u, It's been 10 years of normal now, I still have the odd zoo dream, but only once a year or less. I wouldn't b who I am if I'd never been a junkie so I try not 2 regret it. I lost my 19yo son 5 years ago, that almost killed me.. but I knew that using H again 2 numb the pain was only punishing myself more. I know now that if losing Luke didn't make me relapse, I can do almost anything. Working makes all the difference to how we feel about ourselves & therefore how we treat ourselves. My partner has cont.. 2 use & lie etc.. & he looks & acts 20 years older than me & he's actually 2yrs younger. People would b stunned if knew I ever used drugs, let alone the depth of my addiction. Good luck w/exam & stay strong. My life is amazing in ways I could never have imagined when using :)

Oh wow im sorry. You are very strong, i cant imagine what u went thru. And yes i as well wouldnt be the person who i am today if i never went thru hell and came back. I look at life differently now, enjoy everything at a higher level then ever. How can you truly know when you are happy when you never experienced such...dysphoria, feeling of soullessness and the pain... Good luck!

Don't miss the sickness, chasing, waiting, scamming, sneaking, fibbing, hurting... Loving the spontaneous stuff, the wittiness of clear thinking, laughing lots & deeply ( I'd actually 4 gotten how much i love 2 laugh ), connecting w/ppl, feeling healthy & enjoying gd food, partying w/freinds w/out drugs & feeling respected by all those that matter... Onward & upward...

Yes!! I was so proud when i actually saw drugs at a party and was disgusted...couldnt believe i felt i needed that to enjoy my time. My current boss found out i was an addict after a week of working there, i have small scar on my vain, he didnt say much except that he doeant care who i was but who i am now....couldnt believe it.

Perfect boss 4 u .... 0 of my boss' have ever known, sneaking off 2 methadone clinic was very tricky @ times, but compared 2 maintaining a habit.... much easier...

Oh yea the clinics....my old bosses also knew about my addictions when i used to work in a high rise building downtorn. My boss was like a father to me and whenever i came fuckdd up to work he and his partner would hide me from people till im ok, they did so much for me until i crossed the line and got fired from the best job i had so far. I left quietly even tho i could still fight for my job since so much stuff happened to mr on that job (cant elaborate heh) but i caused enough trouble for him. Ill never forget how he cried when i left...60 year old man. Thats one of the reasons im trying hard to get the license and go further, to show him that all the work he put into me fifnt go to waste. Well its 5am here, getting ready for work....ill be back at 8pm /cry heh. Its nice talking to you, take care!

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I can relate to your story so much and I too am a heroin addict I have been sober for 2 years then I relapsed last month because I was never cured I was just seperated from it. Plz tell you're family. Get professional help. Heroin ruined my life. Before heroin I was a straight a student with ap classes but afterwards I barely graduated highschool and I'm not going to college.

I wish you the best of luck

Scent of death is all around
Broken body on the ground
Twisted guts
liquid *****
Puking vile
throwing fits
Mangled muscles
primal pain
Bones are bruised
hijacked brain
Aching arms
veins are shot
Cotton mouth
running snot
Vision blurred
eyes are red
Starving sickness must be fed
Burning throat
lungs are hurt
Cheating death is how I flirt
Panic stricken
racing thoughts
Dreadful dreams I never sought
Dancing devils jump for joy
****** my soul
I’m Satan’s toy
**** is dead
no more nut
my filthy ****

A black bottomed spoon
A long lasting flame
Just moments away from extinguishing pain

I fuel up my rig
The needle is fresh
First wave of relief as it pierces my flesh

A beautiful vision
A sexual scene
My blood becomes one with my sweet liquid queen

She softens my senses
She swims through my veins
A warm peaceful feeling relinquishing pain.

It came from me. Wrote it in 2007.

I have not. Maybe I should. Thank you very much avalange. :)

Written like a pro....

My younger brother became a heroin addict at 14. By 18 he had overdosed multiple times. In his out, at fenway park in the middle of the night. It took him 3 years to be able to stay clean. He went from sober house, to jail, to rehab, to sober house. He even had my mom drive down his "favorite pair of pants" that he had had his friend sew heroin into over 2 hours to his sober house on a visit. My brother is not religious and didnt turn to God for help, but the last program he was in and through his will and our support he has been clean for 7 years now. I believe that if you can get yourself surrounded by people who really want to help you and you and can help you through the withdrawal you can do it to. I cannot even begin to imagine the emotional pain you must be in & i am sorry. Best of luck and i wish you the courage, strength and support you need.

stop smoking it, especially black tar, that thick black smoke reconverts in sticky black gue in your lungs. shoot up, you wiill save money. if you are afraid of o.d. then sniff it safer bet. but if you can manage to quit, even better. good luck

Heroin: You love it, and you hate it. But mostly hate it. It's like being in an abusive relationship. You feel like you can't leave, because you don't want to be alone and without your partner. But at the same time your partner is killing you emotionally, and finically, taking all your money, but giving you nothing back.

I hope you find peace someday girly, just know your not alone...

i love it more than i hate even though i know its not good for me

Wow, heroin's a lot cheaper than I thought. Maybe it's time to give it a try! Thanks for the story

This is a joke

Not cheap. Try 100 dollars a day

Wow I'm sorry u had to go thru that I did as well but I did it the other way n have bin clean for 2 yrs I hope u have really stopped its not easy that was my girl my best friend my world nothing else mattered until I found help and now I still think about it it's hard not to do it but have to b strong and it helps to talk about it sometimes Other times next it worse It's whatever works for you But congratulations and keep up the good work would like to talk more if u have the time

Pretty much every person I went to school with that did H , overdosed and died !
Make sure you kick this filth before it kills you .....

There's a band I recently discovered called sixx:a.m. Their first album, "the heroin diaries" is about one of the members heroin addiction and recovering from the addiction. I don't know if it'll help at all but I've found some of the songs have helped me (not addicted to heroin but recovering from something else)

Hey, you are loved.

I cannot even imagine. I struggle with alcohol. Good luck to you.

You are amazing and so strong!! It's going to suck, but I know you can get through this break up. Your life depends on it, and look how many lives you're changing by sharing your story. I applaud you and am so excited for your next chapter.

Good thing you slapped yourself back to reality before it was too late

Did u read his comment? This was a year ago he's now totally addicted and shooting up everyday.

I believe that you're brave for realizing that you are far off better without the junk. Keep going strong!

I hope you get better. Look into suboxane it will help you

Stay strong gal, I know heroin is a helluva drug

I'm a Morphine addict of 12 years. Please look into Suboxone treatment. As I am currently dopesick... I cannot offer further words of encouragement. The last thing that I would want you to go thru are the horrific WDs.. Best wishes...

I have subs and am preparing to quit tmw. I've been shooting heroin for almost a year now. Withdraws scare the **** out of me.

That n methadone is also worked for me subs did not take away the pain but I started with pills for my back n u can guess where it went just hope for the best for everyone who went down the same path as a lot of us good luck hope u make it thru the hard part n u will b ok

Admitting you have a problem is the first step...don't let it get you!!!
Horrible stupid drug...all the best to you and your clean journey :)

Wish you all the best , you sound strong you can do it .

Good keep it up its amazing

Very eloquently written. I wish you all the best with your journey x

Join www.facebook.com/groups/HeroinSupport or www.facebook.com/HeroinKillsYou

Best to you. Please never give up

Good luck I hope you succeed

yes, get out of that relationship while you still can. Seriously get done with it now, dont imagine even for a second youve got plenty of time to be free of it becuz you havent! If you dont escape it be4 you know it youre be 30 & IVing (like I am) then youll be really screwed; it ceases to be a pleasure/addiction & becomes a waking nightmare of almost constantly looking for a temporary peace/relief from pain. Good luck & dont ever give up giving up (if at first you dont succeed...) Best wishes

I wrote this over a year ago... I am now a slave to heroin and have been shooting it. I've been to rehab and tried quitting numerous times. When I wrote this I didn't realize it had a hold over me already. I'm moving tonight and attempting to quit tmw. I think relocating is key. Fingers crossed that I kick this evil bastard.

What bugs me most, is that our brain will never be the same. We will never feel the happy we felt before we started using. That's what I keep hearing but I believe the power of thoughts and that we create our mind with them. Positive thoughts will be my cure!

If you ever want to be truly at peace and happy then get rid of that foul brown stuff from your life, it will steal everything. After 25 years of drug use my man has epilepsy brought on by the heroin and is in the jail for a crime he didn't commit. He is surrounded by the most awful human beings you could imagine and all because he was staying somewhere else to escape drug debt wrong place wrong time. He has done me proud tho clean 18 months and now sees the life he really wants not the life of a grey zombie who will lie and steal no matter who you are because that monster or devil controls you. Start to build a life worth living. It won't happen overnight but stop the **** before it kills you. Honestly it will get better, take care

I just had a friend kick and it can be done. You're right in that hanging out with the same crew, repeating the same patterns, and thinking you can just observe the scene without joining in, are pretty much a sure bet to relapse. As far as the damage that's already been done. You have to think of it in terms of not doing even more damage. We have an incredible potential to heal. Reach out if you need to.

Positive thoughts or not, it's the physical addiction that is just horrendous when you're trying to kick the habit. But I have a little secret weapon that they rehab centers don't want you to know about; BUPRENorphine. You will be clean of heroine in 1 week with no physical cravings and after two weeks will no longer need the medication. It is amazing. I helped 3 people get clean this way. Look it up There are places that have it ..,good luck!

No u will feel even happier plus i recommend seeing a good psych cuz after ur first few month being clean the dysphoria can be overwhelming so I recommend taking some SSRIs like i do and i feel great and focused on my goals.

I was a heroin addict for 13 years. I lost everything material but more importantly I lost my integrity, dignity, and self-respect. I went to treatment a few times before I got sober and remained sober for 9.5 years.

I did not think I was capable of living without heroin, let alone have fun and enjoy life without it. The best times of my life were when I was completely sober. I laughed harder, listened intensely, saw the beauty of this planet in ways I never thought possible.

Wherever you heard that the brain will never be the same-that is untrue. The brain builds new pathways and heals. Many people say those things out of ignorance because they have never experienced sobriety for an extended period of time.

I ended up living on the streets. I did everything I said I would never do. Of course, at the end of my use life sucked. I attempted to move (I have lived all over), but wherever you move to..you will be wAiting for yourself to get there. We can spot another addict miles away. We are like steal and magnets to one another. Please, if you are ready and have the resources go to treatment, and stay. Go to AA, NA, CA, or any meetings you can as often as possible. The life of a junkie is not going anywhere..you can always go back to it; however, willingness to take direction does not last long. If you have the desire to quit..do not listen to the heroin, which is telling you "you can quit on your own" and "AA is a cult" and "I will not be happy again"- not true.

Please message me if you would like to talk with someone who has been where you are and has made it through the darkness into the light.

Sending positive energy and prayers for you to have the courage to get sober. It is easy to use. Staying sober is not for the weak-it is much more difficult and takes a strong person to live life without medicating and numbing out.

I am no longer sober-I was in severL car accidents and after being on pain meds for so long-I gave in but have not gone back to heroin. My life is much better than it was 14 years ago. We all slip, make poor choices, and want to escape emotional pain but YOU CAN experience peace and happiness if you really want to. Don't give up!!

It's Easier said than done But yes you're right it's not something you want to drag it out After stopping the first couple days might be the worst couple days of your life but it gets easier as it goes on bin there done that 2yrs clean now just can only help the person as much as u can someone who is Serious about getting clean I would do what ever I can to help

It's true it grabs on and it doesn't let go. Those first few days , weeks even are hell but it passes you find reasons to live and you find reasons to get up each day. I think that's the biggest thing. I used to smoke Roxie's everyday. That's what me and my friends did . . Spent time outside of college to smoke pills and waste away money on them. I didn't care I didn't have a goal I didn't wake up each day looking forward to something and now I do. I look forward to painting , to yoga, to dinner with my husband and to playing games with my son. I look forward to painting my nails outside where I can see beautiful flowers . It's small stuff. Once you can be thankful for the little things the rest comes easy . Hope that helps I know it's easy to say things , doing it take a whole new level of courage .

So perfectly said, 2 many say 'it can't b done, blah blah blah' But some of us r living proof that there is real happiness after addiction... :) living again rather than just surviving is all about gratefulness I think..

That is true it is the small things in life that keep u going n keep u clean best of luck to all the people who have gone down the same path as the rest of us n hope u come out of it alive

Not all of us do I lost a lot Of close friends

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