Chasing the Dragon
As all heroin addicts know, the next smoke or shoot is always the last one. The regret, shame, guilt, and all the other emotions that come with the failures of continuing to do heroin are something that i find difficult to deal with. Today is my day 6 clean, but as i type this now i know failure is only one phone call away. Will i make that call today? I don't know, but if i do, i have only myself to blame. I know my addiction is my fault, i know i have only me to blame for it, and i know only i can change it.
When i read on EP people want to legalise cannabis and they kind of stuff, it makes me sad. Marijuana is without a doubt a gateway drug, it leads onto harder stuff because junkies always know someone who is one step up (or down, whichever way you look at it) the drugs ladder. I know its also about personality and upbringing, but if marijuana were legalised it would without a doubt lead to more kids ending up on harder stuff.
I started on marijuana, the strong skunk, when i was at school. I moved onto amphetamines, pills, ecstacy, then coke, and lastly onto heroin, with quite a few years smoking crack cocaine. I did well in school but because my parents never pushed me into further education i was allowed to do what i want. I had alot of money as at the time i was ringing cars, and doing other stuff that i now regret. I have never been a drinker, i hate alcohol, but i have always enjoyed drugs. I moved into dealing, did a few spells in prison, but always came back out and did the same thing again.
Heroin for me was the drug i had always wanted. It made me happy in the beginning, chilled me out, it was like finding something i had always been searching for. I know this is something most addicts feel. Back then i could easily support my habit, until one day it all went wrong. I was raided by the police, and they took everything. Yes, i deserved it, as everything i had was from crime. I lost my convertible car, a lot of money, drugs, the list is endless, they spent two days taking apart my life. I went back to prison, did my time, came out, but it was all different. Lady heroin called and i was happy for a bit.
The money i had soon ran out. My life quickly became a constant struggle to fight withdrawal and not end up having the mother of all rattles. My life became desperate, living only for heroin. I have never been a big crack smoker, but i did spend money on it i didn't have. My family divorced me, i lost a lot of weight, and from then on it was on downward spiral.
I ended up on methadone, which despite what everyone thinks, is really a life saver. I cut down on heroin, moved back in with my family, started college, and am now studying for a degree at uni. I still smoke heroin, and today is the first day i have ever managed to get to day 6 'clean'. I've also cut down from 60ml methadone to 12ml, which has literally killed me. I tried subutex once but they made me very ill.
I'm doing extremely well at uni but i know i have to quit the gear altogether eventually. Heroin takes everything, money, cars, homes, friends, everything, yet i just can't stay away from it. In the UK near me you get methadone and thats it, no other help at all. They are quite happy to prescribe you for life, which i believe adds to the problem of addiction. In the society we live in where it is not OK to be yourself heroin will always be there for people to escape into. When things get bad heroin can make it better, but once its all gone you realise you have only added to the problem.
So thats my story, just a bit shortened. Its made me feel better writing it, i don't care if no one reads it, but thanks if you have. Addicts are human, and i know lots of good people who have an addiction. They just need help.
I wish you all the best.