Chasing the Dragon

As all heroin addicts know, the next smoke or shoot is always the last one. The regret, shame, guilt, and all the other emotions that come with the failures of continuing to do heroin are something that i find difficult to deal with. Today is my day 6 clean, but as i type this now i know failure is only one phone call away. Will i make that call today? I don't know, but if i do, i have only myself to blame. I know my addiction is my fault, i know i have only me to blame for it, and i know only i can change it.

When i read on EP people want to legalise cannabis and they kind of stuff, it makes me sad. Marijuana is without a doubt a gateway drug, it leads onto harder stuff because junkies always know someone who is one step up (or down, whichever way you look at it) the drugs ladder. I know its also about personality and upbringing, but if marijuana were legalised it would without a doubt lead to more kids ending up on harder stuff. 

I started on marijuana, the strong skunk, when i was at school. I moved onto amphetamines, pills, ecstacy, then coke, and lastly onto heroin, with quite a few years smoking crack cocaine. I did well in school but because my parents never pushed me into further education i was allowed to do what i want. I had alot of money as at the time i was ringing cars, and doing other stuff that i now regret. I have never been a drinker, i hate alcohol, but i have always enjoyed drugs. I moved into dealing, did a few spells in prison, but always came back out and did the same thing again. 

Heroin for me was the drug i had always wanted. It made me happy in the beginning, chilled me out, it was like finding something i had always been searching for. I know this is something most addicts feel. Back then i could easily support my habit, until one day it all went wrong. I was raided by the police, and they took everything. Yes, i deserved it, as everything i had was from crime. I lost my convertible car, a lot of money, drugs, the list is endless, they spent two days taking apart my life. I went back to prison, did my time, came out, but it was all different. Lady heroin called and i was happy for a bit. 

The money i had soon ran out. My life quickly became a constant struggle to fight withdrawal and not end up having the mother of all rattles. My life became desperate, living only for heroin. I have never been a big crack smoker, but i did spend money on it i didn't have. My family divorced me, i lost a lot of weight, and from then on it was on downward spiral. 

I ended up on methadone, which despite what everyone thinks, is really a life saver. I cut down on heroin, moved back in with my family, started college, and am now studying for a degree at uni. I still smoke heroin, and today is the first day i have ever managed to get to day 6 'clean'. I've also cut down from 60ml methadone to 12ml, which has literally killed me. I tried subutex once but they made me very ill. 

I'm doing extremely well at uni but i know i have to quit the gear altogether eventually. Heroin takes everything, money, cars, homes, friends, everything, yet i just can't stay away from it. In the UK near me you get methadone and thats it, no other help at all. They are quite happy to prescribe you for life, which i believe adds to the problem of addiction. In the society we live in where it is not OK to be yourself heroin will always be there for people to escape into. When things get bad heroin can make it better, but once its all gone you realise you have only added to the problem. 

So thats my story, just a bit shortened. Its made me feel better writing it, i don't care if no one reads it, but thanks if you have. Addicts are human, and i know lots of good people who have an addiction. They just need help.

I wish you all the best.



mgturbo1 mgturbo1
26-30, M
23 Responses Aug 14, 2009

Thank you so much for your story. I am deeply troubled right now by a friend's addiction, caring deeply for him and wanting to understand his annoying behavior .. broken promises, untruths, etc. Your description of your feelings has helped enormously. Again, many thanks. I am deeply grateful and wish you success in your recovery.
Love and blessings.

My partner is going through the same thing and I love him and want to help him but I just keep failing. I don't understand what to do. I'm also quite an anxious and emotional person myself so something it is hard to be strong for him or understand his behaviour. I really want to help, but I feel like all I do is make things worse. Any advice?

Hello - I hope you find a way to feel better and get clean.

I deff understand u. I'm also a heroin addict and I been trying to get clean for the last couple of month. And can't get more than 2 days clean. I hate what I had done to me. I have to work 6 days a week to barely stay well and it's never enough. I went from half a bad a day to 10-15 bags a day not to even get high but just to stay well and get thru college and work. I need help but no one in my family knows . And I lost all of my friends cause all I cared about I'd getting heroin. Good luck u are doing great. I wish I could get to day 6 but I can't: wish u all the best. And hope you can get your life back.

thank you for writing this out. how can someone be of help? how cna we be supportive without enableing? do we just wait in the wings for our loved one to say today i am ready? please, any insight you would offer will be geeatly appreciated.

Thank you for your story. I just found out my sister has been addicted to heroin for six months. I am terrified. I want her to feel that she can talk to me but I really feel like I should tell my parents. I don't want to betray her trust and I know it will kill them and they are older but at least she would have support. She is 20 years old. My dads almost seventy now and I just don't know if he can take it. Should I trust her to get off of it on her own or just tell my parents and risk the heart break and pain? I thought you might have some insight. Thank you so much.

I would not tell them, although I realize you wrote that in May.. how is everything now?

my problem is methadone, i don't use smack much but i love my pills, downers, morphine, the very best.Now my hubby is off meth and I am left behind. He got down onto subutex had no rattle, he is a lucky bastard. Now I have to wean down from 55mil to 30mil so I can switch. Its all I want. I am sick of drug teams and councillors that know nothing... I will get off it, 1 and half month to go....waiting....waiting

after my 4th child I got down to 15mls of meth and was doing so well. but then the usual had probs with my bf so started using again. now I'm bk to using 2 or 3 bags again. feeling so guilty cos I'm letting my kids down. luckily they have no idea wot I'm doing. the meth works with the rattling but not the psychological aspects. that's wot I need help with. I wish I had someone really strong in my life to wrap me in their arms and help and support me through this ****

I was an addict for over 10 years, I was as bad as it gets. I'm clean & have got a family & am truly happy now. I know it seems a long way off but believe me if I can do it u can. The only way is to not even take it a day at a time but an hour or even a minute at a time. Also, Dnt set urself unrealistic tasks like "that's it, from tomorrow I'm never using again', instead see if u can make it to the end of a tv programme & so on. It works. It's a long journey but it does. Having a hit is a quick fix & makes things worse & drags ur misery out longer. I wish u the best. U CAN do it x

I wish i could make it to day 6. I cant even complete day 1. Somehow there is always a way no matter how broke i am. **** i constantly have less than a dollar but manage to pull atleast 40u out of my ******* everyday. Good luck. You can do it. U have already made it through the hardest part.

I know what you are going through. I am on day 4 right now, but sitting here alone and bored I am feeling the urge very strongly. Hopefully we both can have the strength to pull through. Take it one day at a time and good luck my friend

I know how you feel

Good luck my friend. And as they say don't fall off the wagon. In another 2 weeks and your body will start making dopamine again and you'll feel happy again. The lady will always be at the back of your mind just try to make the right decisions in the future.

Day six, I've had my day six many a time & day 7, 8, 9 & 10. Will I ever get off this kit probally not I've got a half gram on the foil as I type. 20 odd years I've had a habit with kit (Heroin) I've lost count the times I've tried to come off it but only ever managed to do so for 2 weeks and that was with help from methadone or some other presc<x>ription opiate. Why can't I kick it god only knows but I suppose that's why it's called a habit. The worst feeling in the world is being strung out and trying to turn your self inside out, legs twitching eyes watering tossing and turning hot then cold saying to your self I wish this ***** would turn his phone on so a can go and score. Bingo I've scored your sitting there getting the foil ready pour on the powder take your first few lines ah life is great what was the problem.

just a side note-<br />
Marijuana legalization is not for potheads who want to get stoned after school and watch scooby doo and eat twinkies. It's for people with chronic disease like fibromialgia, AIDS, Chrones and various cancers. It is very difficult to receive marijuana for these patients and legalizing it would mean that it would be easy for them to get the help they need. Not all people want to be high on codeine and morphine for the rest of their life just because they have cancer or an ailment. making a statement like, " marijuana is the gateway drug," is wrong to do in my opinion because your generalizing the whole population who uses marijuana as people who had it lead to other drugs. It's like a bunch of kids are playing in a sandbox and one kid ***** in the sandbox and now all the other kids get their toys taken away even though they can handle keeping their bowels in check in the sandbox. If anyone didn't understand that I mean that just because a lot of drug addicts find that marijuana is a gateway drug for them doesn't mean it should be illegal for the people who can smoke one joint after working eight hours to relax or for the cancer patient on chemo who is just dying to eat a decent meal again. That's just my opinion though. I suggest reading Ben Eltons, " High Society." It gives a really interesting look into drugs and the merits of them being legal or illegal.

i also like how you said we live in a society where its not OK to be yourself. I think people need to understand that there is a reason that people pick up that needle in the first place.

"the next shot is the last one" lol so true!

I agree with you.It is hard I have been through it enough times you just gotta stay strong and get through it.

From a similar soul.<br />
I have been gettin clean for about 5 years now and I chortled when you said I am on day 6 now.<br />
<br />
Like the Doctors used to tell me , It,s only when you (seriously ) want to address your problem that anything worthwhile is gonna happen.<br />
Just think about how many days you have spent Rattling and ask yourself Do I Really Want This?<br />
I always preferred Crack to Smack and *** did I spend some money. ! But at the end of the day mate It,s a fools paradise innit.<br />
Good Luck, Stay strong.<br />
Peace .

fair shout to you for writing that i feel apart from the uni bit its me i climbed up the drug ladder and now reached the top and now im here i have found im not liking heights, JUST FEEL SCARED TO STOP!

If you have a last ANYTHING you are about to do, you can bet you've planned it won't be. Your LAST dose of anything WILL be your last dose if you don't go for more.<br />
I beat alcohol [wasn't easy or quick OR pretty] and because these words will forever be available for any narc to see I won't say more EXCEPT: YOU CAN DO IT!!! Don't make that buy call; can't you call Narcotics Anonymous or similar group? A friend? Shrink? Your dealer thinks UR a creep...are you going to prove him wrong or what? HE's the him by not calling.<br />
Just resist today and worry about tomorrow when it day at a time. If you worry about the years ahead of you, you will cave. Today is ALL that matters and the only thing you can control. Can you change the past? Predict the future? day at a time...YES YOU CAN DO IT!!

and I wish you all the best...<br />
I truly hope you will remain true to yourself and your goals, strong and free of heroin... <br />
I worked in this field for several years and I know that hating the habit and being kind to yourself takes a load of effort and time and I truly believe the most success I have ever seen was with the people who accepted their addictive personalities and found healthy addictions to replace unhealthy ones with.<br />
I too know lots of very good people who are addicts, either abstaining or not and it is a tough tough road.<br />
I wish you all the very very best at uni... a new focus is so important... and I also hope that you can find a you, that you really like without heroin... and friends that dont use to support you in making a new life for yourself.<br />
I am not sure if this makes sense, but I speak from a place that offers you all the support possible...<br />
take loads and loads of care of you, you're doing fantastically just embarking on this journey, congratulate yourself often and genuinely wont you.