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Unfortunate.

I've been struggling with heroin addiction for the past couple of years. I'm a young girl, and i ******* hate this ****! I was in rehab for a couple months, ive lived in a halfway house for a couple months, and about a week after i got out, i relapsed. I was so strong in that house. I knew exactly who i was, ate healthy, I was so.... healthy; physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I hate that I've thrown everything away. Ever since my relapse, about 9 months ago, there have been a couple days here and there where I've been able to stay clean, but as of right now I am not. I tried another rehab after wards where I was in for about 20 hours. It was a free rehab smack in the ghetto of Detroit, i could literally go outside and get dope. I was in there for a whole 20 hours before i had to leave and get ****. i feel like every day that goes by not only do i hate heroin more, but i love it heroin more. its the drug, the routine of using it, going to get it, everything. i don't believe in god, and i don't believe in NA. i think NA is a huge hunk of ******* bullshit. I was not born an "addict". Nobody is born a ******* addict. Addiction is not a disease. i was not born with a "disease" either. I am a heroin addict because i like the way i feel when im high; completely numb. saying that addiction is a disease is ******* retarded! it does nothing but give you Zero hope to ever recover. Maybe one day I'll want to recover bad enough, or maybe heroin will win my life over. Either way, I'm sick of waiting for my end. I'm not trying to be arrogant with the whole NA, God thing... I'm just explaining to you how I'm feeling. Because although I don't know any of you, you're the only ones who will listen..

 

                                                            

skkulex90 skkulex90 18-21, F 9 Responses Sep 11, 2009

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Please seek help over and over

The truth of it is that you wil give up when you really want to. Im lucky enough to be on morphine maintenance and I'm really happy. I treat my addiction as necessary as no anti-depressants have worked. I feel really sorry for you guys in the states as a dont think morphine maintenance is available there....if it is- take it!!!

Wow. I can relate. I feel the same thing about every day going by I hate heroin more but also love it more. We're in the same boat. I want to stop but I don't. I go a week, sometimes 2 weeks on subs and then I'm back at it once that idea pops in my head and then I'm on a weeks long run. Those used to last a weekend, then a week... now they can go a few weeks. Lot's of money's gone up my damn nose.

Wow. I can relate. I feel the same thing about every day going by I hate heroin more but also love it more. We're in the same boat. I want to stop but I don't. I go a week, sometimes 2 weeks on subs and then I'm back at it once that idea pops in my head and then I'm on a weeks long run. Those used to last a weekend, then a week... now they can go a few weeks. Lot's of money's gone up my damn nose.

I can relate to what you say. I came into the rooms of NA with no belief in a deity, and I still don't believe in an invisible magic god. God can be Getting Off Drugs, Good Orderly Direction, or whatever else you choose it to be. I've known atheists, Muslims, Wiccans, Jews, Hindus, etc. who are recovering in NA. Admittedly, there are some misguided Christians in the rooms who feel that there is only one correct higher power for a recovering addict, and by strange coincidence, it's theirs. Such people need our love as their intolerance can be a hindrance to their recovery and they can scare people away from a potentially lifesaving program. I know that when I came in I was looking for a way to disqualify myself from NA. Get with some old timers who are about recovering, not religious proselytizing. <br />
<br />
I don't know if I was born an addict or not, and frankly I don't give a s***. For me all that matters is accepting the fact that I am an addict. How it came to be so is an irrelevant distraction.<br />
<br />
Take what you need and leave the rest.

Hi I am someone who believes in hope, Yet it has eluded me for many years. I to am addicted and have no desire to be in rehab or on pills. I was once a normal human being that functioned on my own. Do I believe this is a sickness? I do believe in doing the same things and expecting different results. I have battled with H for years more then I care to mention. I was with a girl that did it with me and we are both still in bad places today. I do feel the pain of the poster starting this thread. When its good its good. But when its bad it really sucks. I have a job and when I get my fix in the morning and its not good stuff I am stuck at work kicking like Bruce Lee. I always owe out a few hundred dollars a week from my pay. To add insult to injury my brother lives with me and also has a habit. This morning I was so pissed that he did not go to work last night I did not get anything for him. I feel bad about it but if he don't care enough about me to take care of his responsibilities why should I put myself in that position? The best thing I could say to Skkulex90 is reach into your heart and ask what caused you to start this? I have done this and the problem I have is way to many incidents have led me here. I do want to be normal again. I watch the people going to work and wonder what it feels like to wake up in the morning and not have to call the dealer. I wonder what the sun feels like how the flowers smell. These are all things we as human beings are born with the ability to enjoy. If I could have one wish it would be to start over again without addiction. I can only dream. I know tomorrow I will wake to the same pain and discomfort that has controlled my life for all these years.

You are a good writer. I often find myself wondering how I lost my way. I think you will end up where you want to be. You seem to want it bad. Good luck!

hey i know where you're coming from honey,i have been in your predicament before on numerous occasions now,just try and give rehab another try and try and find one that is not so close to where you know the area. I am only a couple of weeks clean myself and am on buprenorphine in small amounts and will take me a while to get ahead of this bad game. I cant say where i will be in ten years time but i know that i am here today and thats all that matters to me and i wish you the very best in you're recovery,dont take you're relapse so badly its only a slip,who doesnt slip once in a while?Its just about putting it behind you and trying to use it to you're advantage as a learning curve,dont give up hope,there is always time,nothing is never too late,i wish you all the success for the future,from dave.

Yeah ,, addiction is not a disease<br />
How could it be when you're addicted<br />
The word "patient" is the wrong one in this case<br />
However, your story reminds me of Sid Vicious<br />
<br />
Stay strong & good luck !

I feel for you,I really do.I know that you wasn't born that way but you are the only one who can change it.People can be there to listen and to give you support but they can't make you do the work and change.I once loved someone who was an addict and alcoholic.I know in my heart that he wasn't born that way and I know that he didn't want to be that way,honestly.As badly as he didn't want to be that way,he really didn't want to change either.This is why I do believe it is a disease,a sickness that takes over your body and your mind until you're no longer in control.<br />
When a person can accept,it is the first step to recovering.<br />
I hope that you will think hard about your addiction and do what you must to get better.<br />
The man that I loved never did and it is slowly killing him like torture.It's taking everything from his mind,body and soul.If fact he now spends many many years in prison.I new him since he was 17 and now has aged to look 80.You are young and have a whole life.Don't waste it like he did.<br />
I wish you health,courage,strength and happiness but you have to want it!<br />
<br />
Good luck!