Struggling With SensitivityA few months ago I discovered I am a highly sensitive person. Since then I've been researching the topic religiously. Before I even knew about HSPs, I described almost every trait to every doctor I ever had, but no one really understood the gravity or significance of these feelings and difficulties. As long as I can remember I've had a hard time fitting in and making friends, I've always had terrible hay fever allergies, nearly every experience I've endured puts me in a frantic rage or debilitating depression, and above all, no matter how much friends and family try to support me, I always feel so incredibly alone...words can't describe how scared and sad it makes me feel. I've also come to realize that empaths and HSPs are essentially the same, just that empaths seem to have a more developed sixth sense. I've had moments in my life where I "knew" that something was going to happen, I just didn't understand what was going to happen or how I knew it. I have, in rare instances, heard the phone ring and had a feeling about who was calling, sometimes I was right, sometimes I wasn't, so I dismissed those feelings as coincidence. I've had dreams that later came true, though the circumstances held no significance, I was astonished that I could have dreamed the future. I've even felt emotions from another person over 20 miles away. One instance of clairsentience was particularly profound to me; I felt a crushing weight in my chest, I didn't know what was wrong but I instinctively called my girlfriend at the time to make sure she was ok, turns out what I felt was her heart falling for another man. However inexplicable these experiences may be, there's just been too many of these occurrences to be a coincidence. Only now am I discovering the significance behind these feelings, that only a highly sensitive person could know and understand. I've been learning to trust my intuition more since it's hardly ever wrong, at least when it comes to other people's thoughts and behavior. Lies that affect me directly are the easiest to detect, the more emotion attached to the lie, the more obvious the lie becomes. All this sci-fi talk is hard to swallow but I've met people who have experienced unexplainable phenomenon that escapes even me. One person claimed to see auras and more clearly than I ever could, sense impending danger in the near future, another seemed to see and converse with spirits of the dead.
So now I'm on a spiritual journey of self discovery. I've told many of my friends and everyone in my immediate family, and apparently my mother is a sensitive as well, but somehow she's able to apparently turn her senses on and off, seemingly at will. Naturally I feel weak and out of control because I've never been able to hide my emotions, I don't let anything bother me, but everything just does. I've managed to make one relationship last more than four months, and it still shattered my world when it ended, just as every break up I've gone through does. It takes way too long for me to let go of a failed relationship, and as much as I feel like I need someone to feel uplifted, it takes me over a year to let go of the feelings of betrayal and emotional abuse.
What seems to hinder my relationships the most (family, friend or intimate partner) is my perspective of humanity and the world. I don't like the bleak and cynical view I've taken, but it seems to make the most sense. I hear of the worst criminals in our society watching cable tv on the tax payers dollar, politicans making promises they don't intend to keep, corporations hoarding millions of dollars while the people that keep this country alive lose their homes, etc, etc. And it's not just people in power contributing to our financial and environmental demise, millions of people blindly put their faith in government and religion never considering that their actions could affect the livelihood of others. Take gays for example, I can't tell you how angry I feel whenever I hear people speaking out against gay marriage and sexuality, being gay is no more a choice than being african-american, or having brown eyes, or red hair. Here's another sensitive topic, abortion. So few people consider the fact that there's way to many people on the planet already, we're choking the planet with our presence and it seems that most people value human life above all. You may not like this idea but we, as a species, are not special, we're not more important than any other living thing. It's alright to burn hundreds of acres of wild land for profit and destroy the homes of thousands of animals, but someone aborts a pregnancy because they don't have the money or a healthy home life to raise a child and they're practically ostracized. I, for one, will not bring a new life into an unstable environment, like so many single moms on welfare, or abusive parents. When anyone tries to counter my ideas, they frequently bring religious beliefs or biased opinions to my attention, which only further proves that I'm right, and yet I can't convince such people otherwise. And don't get me started on racial intolerance! This intolerance and humanist ideology is only making our livelihoods worse, we're consuming resources faster than we can replenish them, and people wonder why prices on all forms of product are increasing more than our wages.
I've written these ideas and experiences many times before, and all I ever get is "everyone is entitled to their own beliefs/opinions" and the occasional "I agree" or "I know how you feel" and somehow I still feel like no one feels the gravity of these issues like I do. I feel more and more alone with each day that passes. When I find people that agree with my thoughts, their response is always "that's life," but that's no excuse, if I'm capable of putting my own needs aside for the greater good, then so can everyone else, or I'm just "more human than human." I've got so much more to bring to the table but I think I've portrayed my experiences enough to get the picture.
dpastuszczak 26-30, M 6 Responses 3 Nov 2, 2010