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A Little Lost And Blocked...

hi there, Ive been looking for someone to chat with online, I'm quite fine with helping out others until it takes the energy to help myself. I go "off with the fairies" when overwhelmed, and am trying to make it work with a new man. we have moved in together...up til now have been having difficulties & trust issues of men form numerous date rapes, and i can feel my body physically sick, and trying to push him away when all he is trying to do is hold me take care of me and love me. I know I love him, but my body (and even in my sleep) I Physically feel restless and still traumatised and "push him away". he knows this is happening but he can't understand because i can't communicate how mixed up i feel. so it seems like i am selfish. i don't want to relive it all.but maybe i have to...I just want to cry and cry and cry but I am blocked...I want to scream.......is someone there with some kind advice?
mermaidgal mermaidgal 31-35, F 2 Responses Nov 28, 2011

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You hve a lot of houswork to do within yourself can u recognise that??

Hello again,
I am sorry you are feeling like this, and sorry your history has brought you to meet men that were careless and only thought of themselves and disregarded you, I am on another board which I needed to join absolutely, which is a board for people who have been abused as children, and they are really kind and explain that even though we might not remember it, if in our adult life (or conscious life) we attract people that rape us, it is often because we have been like that as children, and we have learned it is the best thing to let men do those things to us, as we might have been under threat then, or other things like that. It might not have happened to you as a child, but if it started in adulthood, due to low self-esteem... I don't know.
I am with my partner now since 3 years and I have ended pushing him away because what happened in my life was too much and I just needed someone that could accept me as I was, as well as accepting I needed a break from sex. I do feel guilty to not give him all he wants but my body can't do it, and something in me refuses it too. He loves me and I do love him, because he is so caring and wonderful, and patient with me... I know it will eventually shift in me with the work I am doing on myself, spoke to a medium recently and she confirmed that I had been raped as a child, and that really relieved me as I had no memory of it but all the behaviour of someone who has been. If you truly care for yourself, and ask help from angels and guides or whoever you believe is around you of caring forces, I am sure they will help. I keep asking for myself becasue I want to regain the power of the woman that I am, which I have always denied; I always wanted to be a man and disliked for a long time this beautiful body (probably because I see it as weaker than a man's from what happened).
Anyway, it is a long path but worth taking. I hope you do find help. I am not often on this site often but will answer if ever you speak.(even if it takes a few days)

thankyou "Acceptancea" you surely give me hope > a great sign today to have met you here. acceptance is the symbol word for me acceptance for me now as I am as it is. I feel forced alot of the time and under pressure from my man sometimes and it folds into arguments but he is quite patient and loving and caring...Ive often thought I was sexually abused as a child but was never sure, but scared to find out> this trauma if it did or with who is devastating to find truth in. I was physically abused and cant forgive my narcissitic parent for it. She doesnt know her wrongdoing its all she knew. But I feel I am damaged and looked at damaging myself more as I grew up. I need this power back. and your help has been greatly appreciated xo

Do you really think it would be overwhelming if you could remember the past? I often pray I could bloody remember it so I could at least let it go, there is nothing worse(for me) than not being able to remember and wondering what actually took place! Drives me mad!

I do hope you can forgive your poor parent about it one day. I had suspicions about my father but he has been so kind in later life that I can only forgive him. I look at him and see the hard life he had to live (against his will) and all he did for all his children - and I am so grateful because I can find love for him, despite knowing he didn't tell me everything I needed to know - and not speaking, in a family, is just like a crime, it carries an awful energy with it. Secrets are really dreadful in families.

I don't know if I did mention family constellations (among the hundred of therapies I have tried), but they are really weird and fantastic workshops; they are really helpful when having resentment or any negative thoughts or feelings about your life, yourself or your family/close ones. They put people in your place in a certain position, and put the people that are part of that story, represented by others from the (small) audience/group. Then, the moderator asks for people to move around and for the person that represents you to say how they feel and it is fascinating as I have done it for others and felt I was slipping in someone else's personality and body entirely! And through it you can find out history you didn't know about and it really helps freeing the self, as well as helping family trees (future and past as it is a ripple, since the Universe is all of Now and there is no past and future really). I found it so mysterious and it actually works. I wonder if through it you could find out or help resolve something you feel too delicate about remembering yourself, as you would be watching from the outside it could also be helpful. Though of course, those workshops are a bit expensive, like all workshops that are useful for the soul!

I do hope you can forgive her one day...And feel the power back in you. Sometimes, when I have hated people (or think I hated or resented them) I imagine they just died and I had been to their funerals, and very often this is enough to actually bring tears, bringing the true feeling I feel for them, which is often affection or love, under what I thought was hate.
That helps me step out of what I think I feel for them, and actually see them for who they are - it reminds me also that I must never regret the time of NOW with those I will miss one day.. I mean mostly my parents.

My mother died way too early 13 years ago, unexpectedly, and I always regret not having opened myself more to her and asked her more about her hurts and loves; so, when my father died only a year ago, and with him even though I wasn't so close, I was adult enough and had lived enough to want to make it different.

I had done enough therapy to realise that I would regret not being honest with him, so even though I couldn't catch up on 18 years of what felt like indifference and sternness from him, I did all the best I could when I went back to see him in France. (as I live in England)

I did healing on him (I learned Reiki and other things off a friend) and encouraged him to talk to me, by showing the example and sending him letters of how I really felt about his family I felt resentful about. (a true hate for his family and France I had, for so many years)

When he died, I was peaceful because I had done all I could towards him and didn't regret an inche of what had happened between us in recent years, and I was happy to have got closer to him.
Of course, not close enough to ask him about anything sexual - but I just couldn't go there. I felt I would have upset him and I could see he had enough trouble with my other close family without alienating him as well as they did to him...

But whatever you do, remember one day they will die, and that day you may regret not having done or told certain things to them... It could be only very small things, and I know you can't change yourself and flip the switch; but if you can get in touch with the pain you will feel then, then you can now act on it whilst they are still alive...
(or tell them how angry you are and I am sure that is also as useful)!!

xx