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I Am A Hsp But Will I Ever Find Love?

I don't know where to begin. I just found out I was a HSP back in October. It changed my world and how I precised myself. It was definitely a relief and a shock. I thought I was the only one but I did find a friend who was also a HSP. So there are many out there somewhere.

Looking back upon my life I have never had a girlfriend. I am always asked why not. I seriously don't know. But lately I do what all HSP do and have been thinking. I remember in 7th grade asking a girl I liked out over the phone. She said no and that in turn to me as a rejection. From there on I had a phobia of using the phone to talk with anyone I may have liked. And it's weird because it was only to females and they could have just been friends or not. I could talk to guy friends ok. But not girl friends. So I have been afraid of rejection ever since. So guess that also affected my self confidence to hit a all time low.

I felt I could be the nicest guy in the world and I would still be treated as if I wasn't anything more. I would use gifts as an excuse to find affection. Like in high school, I would buy 5 teddy bears and give them to girls I liked. The hugs and affection shown with that made me feel good. But that would be temporary. Now, I am in my late 20's and the bouts of loneliness come and go. I try to keep a positive spin on it but it's hard. As much as I have seen the bad side of relationships by those around me. I want one. I feel as though I need one.

I have been forcing myself to get out of my comfort zone lately. I talked to a girl on skype for more than 30 minutes. I even talked to another girl on the phone for almost 2 hours. Both gave me a feeling that made me feel good. It made me feel somewhat normal. It was the greatest feeling ever. But like everything else it last a few days.

I have been trying hard to control my HSP. It's so hard. It's so hard to try and not get excited. Especially if I talk to a girl I am interested in. It';s hard to not be myself but instead put on a persona that is like me but with some of the volume turned down sorta speak.

I have never gone to bars or put myself out there for dating. I have tried dating sites but I am the kind of guy that likes the girl to go first instead of me. I know that's stupid but that's just what I am comfortable with. I was thinking of forcing myself to do that sometime. I don't know when. I always feel like somehow I am going to mess up and whoever I am trying to get with will hate me forever if I say something wrong. That thought always kills me.

This one thought has been bothering me since I was 18. I don't feel normal. I feel ashamed somehow. When it does come up I get really sad and lonely. It's hard trying to not over think it. And sometimes I wonder if I will ever find love? Will I just be a old single guy for ever? Will I die alone?

I know I still have a long way to go with controlling my HSP. I am just worried if I will be too late or too old. Who would love me for me? Just stuff like that. It's scary and confusing. It has made me so conflicted.
TwoTearsInABucket316 TwoTearsInABucket316 31-35, M 13 Responses Nov 24, 2012

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I think I might be HSP and honestly I think it's one of the most beautiful things to be! You don't have to controll yourself to be "normal" or "like everyone else" instead you should embrace the positive aspects of your high sensitiveness. I mean we might get hurt a bit more often than others and it's especially hard to let go at some times. But then again, how cool isn't it to be able to be so super excited about something, and to never live in a grey zone. You have a colourful life, it's a rainbow, with both sunny and rainy days. Don't try and controll it by making it all grey. Don't lose what's good about being you! Just continue as you said, put yourself out there. You've come a long way young man! I think your fears are more about you hating yourself if you say something "wrong" cause we all know that others will get over it eventually. But as a HSP it's easy to go over the errors you've made in life over and over again. I often say that I wish I could be as nice to myself as I am to my best friend and stop punishing myself for what happened years ago. I'm scared of falling in love, because I'm scared of feeling too much. I feel like I wouldn't be able to cope with the man of my dreams because the fear of loosing him also because it feels like life would start to mean too much and I wouldn't be able to control it anymore. I reliese that I'm answering on your post now 2 and a half years after you first posted it. Hopefully you've accepted yourself even more and are having a great life! Take care.

Hello there, I came across your post while researching "dating as a HSP" . It seems as though you and I are battling with similar feelings/emotions. I recently told a good guy friend of mine that I have feelings for him that go beyond friendship. We were standing on the sands of the beach, at night, just hanging out and talking like we usually do. My words were poetic and dramatic (as usual lol) . By the end of the night, he was just stunned speechless. He didnt really acknowledge my feelings in a way that would satisfy me. He was blushing and saying something about being baffled. I was left feeling vulnerable, anxious and like Id said too much. Now, I have no clue as to how to deal with him. Part of me wishes that I'd never said anything at all and maybe just distanced myself from him. As an HSP, we are stimulated by people, places and things in our environment. Dealing with strong feelings for others is one of our challenges. Especially when we really like someone that doesnt like us back. I wish that I could tell you that I've discovered a cure for this....but I have not:-( what I will say is that as HSPs, we have to take EXTRA care of ourselves. We must find a way to use our sensitivity to help us discern who is worthy of our love and attention because many people are not. In addition, it may be helpful to connect with other HSPs for support. Visit Elaine Aron's website and you will find info about yearly retreats that are just for HSPs to connect.

I dont know what the future holds for my guy friend and I but to be honest, I know that the love that I provide is more than what some people can handle and I owe it to myself to honor and treasure it whether I choose to remain alone or not. I wish you the best on your journey xo

I think I am going through exactly the same things. I've spent my life being told there was something wrong with me, being beaten and bullied until I thought I was completely worthless. Now that I know I am a highly sensitive person I am trying to forgive myself and comes to terms with myself. Even though I have been capable of loving others it has never been reciprocated and I also worry that I will never find even one person who both really cares and really wants to understand me. Realizing that I'm not completely alone, gives me some hope.

I tend not to socialise with many people. I know what u mean by all of that types of saying I had similar. I have spent almost all of year 2013 reflecting and realizing on everything. This reflection was triggered by an illness in Dec 2012 which lasted a month.

Also I don't tolerate people who try to pretend to be stupid as well as I can be very harsh on them. Many people can really tire me too.

I can also relate to some stuff especially finding someone to understand you as I learned this one last week.

you wont die having never found someone. Theres hope for you. I found someone, in fact two relationships. They werent the best people for me to be involved in and I kind of fell into the relationships but still it happened. I always say if it can happen for me then it can happen for you. Theres someone out there for you in this big world.

Thanks SD. That means alot to me. I really hope so.

TwoTearsInABucket316.

Start by reading about Ayahuasca. It will help get rid of that inner anxiety and guilt. I understand exactly where you are coming from. I am an HSM who suffered from horrible uni-polar depression for almost 20 years.

I was miraculously cured with Ayahuasca. Even though I haven't changed so to speak (still like solitude, want women to approach, enjoy creative activities etc...) my attitude towards myself internally has completely changed. Whereas before I despised myself for how I was, now I am coming closer and closer to complete acceptance.

I went in a very small amount of time from being absolutely paralyzed internally by fear and self loathing to being light and free.

If I wanted to approach a girl I definitely can. I still don't want to actively go out and 'try to get some strange' but at least I'm getting closer and closer to internal peace and self-love, which will make love more attainable.

The difficulty with sensitive boys is what we go through young. Many 'normal' (sick and unwilling to accept differences) people, teachers, other kids, TV, the media, advertisers, girls we want to date etc... all add up in today's competitive western society to give us a heavy burden of self-loathing.

As mentioned above, Ayahuasca, when taking with a caring person, not motivated by greed but by your healing,can clean 90% of what's eating you. Fundementally it comes from acceptance and breaking out of the cultural mold society crams into our heads from every direction.

All cultures are not necessarily harsh against sensitive men. This has been the case in the western world since the Industrial revolution, but during the Renaissance this was far from the case.

Anybody reading this is welcome to contact me if you would simply like to talk or ask questions.

Thanks for the reply. It sounds promising. I will definitely give it a shot.

I cannot relate more ! i'm 20 and have recently found out i'm HSP through counseling for my inner demons.. including anxiety and depression. Both mainly based from the fact that throughout my life i'v been made to feel so unwanted, misunderstood and unloved by society for being true to my self and embracing my sensitivity which i have done since i was 14. I have never had someone special in my life to reassure me that there is nothing wrong with being true to your self in such a stereo typed society ..... staying positive feels like trying to walk accross a tight rope when i know deep down in my heart i will never be truly happy until i find love. Every thought you said goes through your mind goes through mine as well and it so exhausting ! sometimes i can have a very positive mindset but then i will hear a cute love song on the radio ect and it will make me feel lonely again and hope drained; i suppose whats meant to be will be.

It definitely is hard. It sucks that we have to go through life like that. I am sorry you had to go through that. At least you aren't alone in that. I feel your pain.

A thought ... perhaps concentrate on making friends with females first, try to understand them better. The ones who get to understand you, might end up liking you for who you are. At the same time, this will slowly build your confidence. Some of the greatest relations start off as friendships.

I found this site a few years ago when I was looking for other people who suffered from social anxiety disorders. Believe it or not, I learned about HSP from an article on a dating website. I've not seriously dated in years, possibly a decade. At this point I can't even explain why I've devoted so much time to avoiding relationships, but learning about HSP's makes it a little easier to understand. Now that I finally feel that I have the energy to put into a relationship, it seems impossible to find the sort of person that would be understanding enough. I feel forced into the online dating world, but it causes me so much extra anxiety that I don't even know if it's worth it. I feel like people like us need a special kind of partner, but I don't even know how to go about finding him.

I know what you mean. I myself had tried the dating sites and it just doesn't seem to even be working. I wish there was a easier way too.

Last time I dealt with a Dating site was LDS Singles (I was a Mormon at that time) I attracted Desperate Fake Mormons who claimed they are new and wanted something until I questioned them. They block you after time. Another thing I have learnt when you feel attraction to someone its more than looks. I personally gave up looking for a relationship because what I see that is going on which is off putting where people only go for men with good looks or tough type of men who probley were criminals probley has something to do with feminism. I been Celibate for a very long time, I have learnt some people who really want someone are technically an Incel or Invoulntry Celibate but never been able to get one. Many people are deluded to think they are happy with a guy with good looks or who were tough types who may turn on them at any time. What Matters the most is what is on the inside as well the outside. I think it is really matter do you really love that person. Girls who tries to hard at dressing sexy does not attract me at all this where I thought I was A-Sexual.

Dear two tears....sadly, I never heard of HSP until about two weeks ago when I saw an article online. I swear to you I read the entire thing with my jaw dropped because it explained me in a way that I thought noone ever would or ever could understand. I spent decades of my life wondering what was wrong with me. I am 35 and have been single for more years than I care to admit. For decades I've kept people outside my "bubble" because I've always felt like I take on other people's pain, and sometimes it's more than I can handle. My friends think I'm crazy for saying this, but it sounds like other HSP's would understand what I mean by this. It is so hard for me to date, or to let new people in, but like you, I have recently been forcing myself to try harder. I finally want to find someone enough that I'm willing to take the risk of how much it could hurt me. I wish you and anyone else who reads this post much peace and happines.

It's always good to not feel alone. So thanks for sharing your experience with HSP here. I hope so too. I totally understand you fully. It is not easy but trying to control it will make it more bearable. Yeah I can walk into a room and I can get drain just but people's moods. Makes Christmas shopping a dire task. Thank you again for your reply.

I am just curious. Did you find this place (EP) while searching for more on HSPs? That's how I got here.

I can totally understand where you are coming from. I am 33 years old, and before this year, I had only had one serious relationship. I think a major reason why it's hard for us to find someone is because we can easily be intimidated by people that are not HSPs. I know I am going through that trouble right now through work.
I have finally found someone whom I truly feel is my soul mate. I am so glad I have finally found this person. I can imagine it would be harder for a man that is an HSP because men are generally seen as the stronger person in the relationship. My advice to you is don't give up. It took me 33 years to find the right person for me.... I'm certain you will find someone perfect for you!

Hey there

I am probley in the same boat as you. I have a fear for sex as well which has probley made things hard for me. I think when I talked to anyone who I was attracted to I don't think I been myself. As for looking for a relationship I had 1 44 year old girlfriend (Age does not matter to me) and found I wasnt myself with her especially sexual as if I wasnt really interested to be honest. I am not gay either. I did believe I was A-Sexual.

I have realised my true feelings I have which in the society eyes is not OK so I don't act on it. I found I was hostile to people in my young age I even blank out teenagers or shun them. It is like I am looking for love rather than sex. I am like a hugging machine as well. I met 1 woman who said something nice to me regarding my facial deformity I was so touched by her I gave her a hug, it was a sudden thing that happend which is something I don't always do.

I think certain hugs I may of done probley wasnt true either. I think my true hugs are very long.

I am a HSP which I do find social situations very tiring. I can get emotional very easily even by modern society's corruption especially with sexualising children. At the moment I am trying to face my inner demons as well.

I don't watch TV as stuff on can upset me especially violence or horrors nor I am social I tend to do things alone as well.

I think it is like the EGO playing tricks on us all.

Thanks Vinnie. Yeah it's definitely a curse and a blessing. I can totally relate with all of that, that you have said...

Thanks for a reply. I am pretty glad there someone who can relate to it as well.

You mention some negative emotions like shame and fear and inner conflict. My best advice for you is to take a closer look at those; where are they coming from? Whenever I have "bad feelings" I always do my best NOT to ignore them or try to "fix myself up" so I can function normally. Because they are there for a reason, and when I explore the dark places I always find useful knowledge (its very uncomfortable and thrilling somehow, though it may sound strange). I think you are having these thoughts because you finally are learning about your sensitivity- which is crucial. I'm 20 years old and highly sensitive myself.

Wow. That's probably the best response I have ever gotten. Thank you for responding. I totally agree with everything you have said.

It's not strange at all. I totally understand that feeling so much. I get that when I force myself to do something I don't think I can do. I don't think if the negatives but just the positives. And you discover something about yourself all the time. So I will take what you say and learn from it and hopefully will discover more of myself.

You don't know how good it is to know you are not alone in how you act/feel in this world. Thank you again for responding. It's very appreciated.

I appreciate the courage it took to write your story. I am just coming to terms with being an HSP myself. It is definitely challenging. Hang in there, keep learning about yourself, read other people's stories, and good luck to you.

Thanks. I needed to hear that. :)