I Am A Hsp But Will I Ever Find Love?I don't know where to begin. I just found out I was a HSP back in October. It changed my world and how I precised myself. It was definitely a relief and a shock. I thought I was the only one but I did find a friend who was also a HSP. So there are many out there somewhere.
Looking back upon my life I have never had a girlfriend. I am always asked why not. I seriously don't know. But lately I do what all HSP do and have been thinking. I remember in 7th grade asking a girl I liked out over the phone. She said no and that in turn to me as a rejection. From there on I had a phobia of using the phone to talk with anyone I may have liked. And it's weird because it was only to females and they could have just been friends or not. I could talk to guy friends ok. But not girl friends. So I have been afraid of rejection ever since. So guess that also affected my self confidence to hit a all time low.
I felt I could be the nicest guy in the world and I would still be treated as if I wasn't anything more. I would use gifts as an excuse to find affection. Like in high school, I would buy 5 teddy bears and give them to girls I liked. The hugs and affection shown with that made me feel good. But that would be temporary. Now, I am in my late 20's and the bouts of loneliness come and go. I try to keep a positive spin on it but it's hard. As much as I have seen the bad side of relationships by those around me. I want one. I feel as though I need one.
I have been forcing myself to get out of my comfort zone lately. I talked to a girl on skype for more than 30 minutes. I even talked to another girl on the phone for almost 2 hours. Both gave me a feeling that made me feel good. It made me feel somewhat normal. It was the greatest feeling ever. But like everything else it last a few days.
I have been trying hard to control my HSP. It's so hard. It's so hard to try and not get excited. Especially if I talk to a girl I am interested in. It';s hard to not be myself but instead put on a persona that is like me but with some of the volume turned down sorta speak.
I have never gone to bars or put myself out there for dating. I have tried dating sites but I am the kind of guy that likes the girl to go first instead of me. I know that's stupid but that's just what I am comfortable with. I was thinking of forcing myself to do that sometime. I don't know when. I always feel like somehow I am going to mess up and whoever I am trying to get with will hate me forever if I say something wrong. That thought always kills me.
This one thought has been bothering me since I was 18. I don't feel normal. I feel ashamed somehow. When it does come up I get really sad and lonely. It's hard trying to not over think it. And sometimes I wonder if I will ever find love? Will I just be a old single guy for ever? Will I die alone?
I know I still have a long way to go with controlling my HSP. I am just worried if I will be too late or too old. Who would love me for me? Just stuff like that. It's scary and confusing. It has made me so conflicted.
TwoTearsInABucket316 26-30, M 12 Responses 7 Nov 24, 2012