A Moment's Eternity

I am one of the lucky majority born with all five of my senses.  I have all my members, ten fingers, ten toes--all there.  What I've always seemed to lack is a sense of the immediate.  Sometimes pouring over old, uncomfortable memories...or sometimes, imagining a future that won't take place.  See, it's not that I don't experience a particular moment in time. It's just that I get so caught up in my head that I feel apart from everything.  Bright lights and loud sounds agitate and confuse me.  I can't have a conversation in a club where the music is loud, for instance.  I can't even begin to be comfortable in places that are filled from wall to wall with human beings.  The input is chaotic to me.  My pulse elevates, my hands shake, and my walking becomes unsteady.  It's not a panic attack, it's just my mind speeding up to a blur.  It's the same feeling I get when I'm trying to have two conversations at once, or when I'm talking to someone while the television is on. 

Living in the moment is not easy for me, because a moment in my life is a huge event.  It's an explosion of sensation and emotion, too big to take in all at once.  I have difficulty talking to a member of the opposite sex, particularly (and especially) when I'm attracted to her.  I get so overwhelmed with the rush of being near her that my speech gets confused and I often fail to say what I actually mean to say or, at worst, say the opposite of what I mean.  I often lose the confidence to talk to her if I've taken too long to "figure things out."  Yes, I'm talking about something that happened very recently, and yes I only recently found out about HSP's myself.  I've spent all of my childhood and my young adulthood thinking there was something horribly wrong with me.  I thought perhaps I was mentally ill, a sociopath or a budding schizophrenic.  It's been suggested that I might have Aspberger's syndrome, or that I was hyperactive.  Some of my teachers thought that, socially, I was developmentally challenged.

I notice the sound of the refridgerator.  I notice the whirring of flourescent lights, the train on the tracks, the siren in the distance.  I notice it, and I home in on it like radar.  I'm a non-clinical hospital worker.  I can't handle too many tasks at once, or too many people buzzing around me when I'm trying to work.  It's not the disasterous things that eat me, either.  It's the little complications that always pop up and never get solved.  Labs that I have to re enter because they weren't done correctly.  Those nights when i can't get finished with a task for all the alarm bells and ringing telephones.  I can't tune anything out.  I absorb it,  I sort through it, but I can't simply take it in as I go.  It's been very frustrating for me at times; other times, it's been very rewarding.  I notice the subtleties in art and music.  Sometimes I'll hear a melody that pierces my heart.  Sometimes I'll see something in art or nature that stirs me to the depths of my being.  The smell of honeysuckle turns into something I can taste.  The feel of long, silky hair between my fingers is intoxicating...those eternal moments bring me joy.  I just want to learn to reconcile the good and bad perceptions.

Retrovertigo Retrovertigo
26-30, M
1 Response Mar 6, 2010

Seems like you are classicaly HSP. Finding out about it can really be start to re-fraiming those judgements you have taken on before. Being highly sensitive can be seen as a weakness but it doesn´t have to be. I´m in the process of turning my hSp-traits into superpowers, even though in the past I used to think something was wrong with me. <br />
Now I am glad I have the ability to feel deeply and experience intensley. but of course there are difficulties too just like you say.<br />
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Have you read any of Dr Elaine Arons books on HSP? I´m doing "HSP- the workbook" right now and it is downright life-changing. <br />
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Let me know if you need a HSP-buddy to discuss and learn with. I know quite a bit about this and I´m happy to share.<br />
take care:)