Why I Dropped Out Of School... ( Long Story...keep Reading ) Plus, I Have No Regrets. Almost 18...and Still See No Real Meaning Than A Namesake Dilpoma!

Why I Dropped Out Of School……………

Building hope isn’t easy; its irrevocably tied to expectation. Real hope is mutually exclusive of expectation. Atleast, thats the way I see it.
Hope is like a plant. It needs the right conditions to thrive. But mostly, it just needs to be shielded from being broken down.
My hope, was as bright as the embers from a burnt pyre. I had lost everything. My zest, my passion, my fervor…
Time was dwindling away along with my being. Withering my soul just like the cells of my body were being oxidized every second.
This was back in june (of 2011), when everything seemed like a dead end.
I was hopeless, lost and forlorn. Melancholy however, was something I’d gotten used to, making frequent appearances every now and then, without completely taking me in.
My life had been a whirlwind of suppressed and miscommunicated emotions. Choosing to be right and to be happy, is not the same thing I learned. They told me things will get better as time passes, that I was too young to understand the complexities of life.
They were wrong.
Any meaning I previously had was eventually ******** away, day after day in a deplorable tedium. The monotony was killing me.
I was obviously depressed much to my ignorance and everybody elses. Occasionally, I expressed my emptiness deep down below to someone, or put it ambiguously in everything I said; but nobody noticed or believed when they did. If they noticed, they would scoff it off saying I blew things out of proportion or just thought too much, then came a list of people who ‘actually’ suffered like rape victims, cancer patients and starved children. I can’t deride that can i?
I had no meaning or purpose in the real world. By which I mean school, because at our tender protected age, it is our world. Any accomplishments or failures that happen directly affect the rest of our lives.
And it did, like a vile poison, spreading to everything else, contaminating the peace that existed previously. It ruined my family and drained all my energy and resolve to live.
I hated my life. Not the present so much, but the future (or the lack of it) whenever I looked forward I kept seeing a deep abyss filled with sorrow and misery. That’s not what I wanted, but how could I possibly do what I wanted? Life was something that just happened to us. We have absolutely no control over it. I didn’t.
But there was a place I did live relatively contended. It was my mind. I can sit for 5 hours straight (or more) and daydream with hardly any effort. I learned this art so that no one could blackmail me by taking my ipod or books because even if they did, I had my mind to save me, and no one could take that away from me.
My time at school however, was a joke. A dance that was walked and a song that was spoke.
Nothing inspired or motivated me.
It was quite the opposite. I was exhausted and simply tired of being reprimanded for everything.
The assignments I hadn’t done, The projects I had yet to submit, The journals I hadn’t completed, the tests I had failed…
All of which I found no reason to do. Unlike everyone else, the idea of marks never appealed to me. 9/10….2/10….bleh
I couldn’t care less. Its not because I detested learning, I was just disgusted by the idea that a test could determine a person’s potential.
I just wanted to dream, dream and dream…
Where no one yelled at me for the things I wasn’t capable of, where no one threatened to break my hands and legs if I failed..
Where I could be safe and sound, tucked away with hope of a bright future where people loved and appreciated me for the things I could do.
That was hardly the case as you might’ve guessed. I lived in a constant cover of fear, anticipating attack from anywhere whether it be school or home. I hadn’t known what I’d done wrong and this amplified my confusion. Was I wrong for not having the desire to study? I didn’t think so.
It felt like a battlefield, bombs were being dropped everywhere and I was the civilian accumulating injuries from each hit. Running aimlessly from corner to corner barely surviving until one day, I had enough.
Though I would be wrong if I said one day because the idea that I had enough had gradually grown from an inkling to a conscious thought.
At the time, I would’ve never blamed my school. Ofcourse I was pissed off with the way certain things were but only as much as the average teenager. We shrugged off anything we felt because, clearly there was no point. Our hormones are raging and the last thing any adult would do is take us seriously.
So I blamed myself. I insisted on having contracted a learning disorder. Which is funny, because its not something you contract and yet I was sure that whatever was wrong with me was inflicted upon externally. I quickly changed my mind though when I learned otherwise. The first thing I did was google learning disorders. And just like that, a wonderful array of psychological terms showed up. I clicked on the most medical sounding ones. I read a lot about them, but most had to deal with reading and writing, small vocabulary and difficulty in math. I thought about it and concluded that those weren’t it because I knew for a fact I had a respectable vocabulary. I was actually hoping to find something by the lines of “difficulty cramming useless boring crap” or “sudden epileptic daydreams triggered by staring at a business studies text book” or “extreme nonchalance and carelessness for anything academic”.
Nothing of those exact definitions came up, but I did find a close enough likeness in ADD and thought, “Voila! Here we go…That’s the one!!!”
I was ecstatic. I memorized the symptoms and cross checked it with several sites. For me it was a eureka moment to understanding my problems at school for all these years. I even downloaded university lecture podcasts from itunes to confirm the existence of my chronic ADD as I had assumed. The most compelling evidence was the laziness. I was sick and tired of being told over and over again that,” your just lazy! Incredibly lazy!!” not to mention irritated when people added, “God, I just want to break your bones and shake you up cuz your so damn lazy!”.
This beautiful disorder finally gave me peace because it wasn’t my fault anymore. I couldn’t help it all along, and I’d tried my best. Moreover, I wasn’t wrong. I hated being the black sheep of my family, surrounded by glamorous degrees by relatives from all sides, it was frustrating to just get by. My parents and teachers gave me criminal glares whenever they passed out my terrible grades. Always the target of insults, ridicule and harassment. It hurt to hear my mother tell my brother, “Honey, you’re the only normal one in the family, study hard…get a good job and look after us. You’ll do us proud. You have to make up for your stupid pathetic sister burdening us.” Who by the way, is my exact opposite, so obviously an academic achiever.
Im not lying when I said I did try. The beginning of my 12th grade in april had started later than others. I was held back for failing the previous year. It was my first warning that, I was losing control. I watched my friends opening new textbooks, worrying about new portions and writing facebook statuses like, “Last first day of school!!yayy!!”. it was saddening. I felt left out…and alone. So terribly alone. It must’ve gotten into my head then that I had to help myself and make my own life because no one else’s going to be there for me. No one else can. I just didn’t get how I could possibly be so unbothered. Is something wrong with my genetic make up? An accident at birth perhaps? Somebody please tell me why in the world did I sing Rihanna’s Russian roulette before my exams while my friends were frantically revising portions?
That’s right I used to sing Russian roulette, it suited the situation perfectly. I had a song for every situation and before my exams I sang, “and you can see my hearrrrttttttt beaattttingggg….you can see it through my chesttttt…nanana…im terrified…..but im not leaviiiinnn…I know that I must pass this testtttt, so just pull the trigger.”
But that pre-semester exam, I genuinely tried my best. I was all stressed out, with unexplained headaches and body aches, extremely irritable, just like PMS only it was PES (you know, Pre-Exam Syndrome).
Maybe I’m allergic, Hmm..better stock up on those antihistamines.
The thing with people is that, if you made a mistake in the past, they’ll hold you up to it even when you’re trying to correct yourself. All I heard in the midst of my best efforts to prepare was, “You wretched girl! How dare you have the audacity to stay away from your books when the exams are so close?! We’re just asking you to study, nothing else. Can’t you do this one simple task? At your age, that’s all that matters.”
Ain’t that encouraging…
Now I’ll admit, I am emotional. Anything little can send me into a flurry of spiraling mood swings. But saying that grades are the only thing that matters is more than just disheartening. As you’ll find out a little later, the reason I shut down was because I couldn’t express myself. For now, I shall introduce you to our school’s “extra” curricular activities. We don’t have music, we don’t have dance, we don’t have drama, we have a pathetic excuse for an art class where all you do is make stuff EXACTLY the way your being told to; like seriously are you kidding me? This is art. Atleast for once can we do something we want to? Well apparently the answer is no.
We do have competitions, but that’s another thing, though even there you’re not appreciated unless you prove yourself academically.
It was prison. Only, everybody else seemed to want to stay there. I was suffocated, and choked. Constricted and restricted. Degraded and downgraded. I wanted out, simple as that. I wanted out.
Coming back to my tale, I mentioned earlier that I thought I had ADD. I ran to my friends excited by my new discovery. Unfortunately, I reached a dead end. I was greeted with laughter and scorn. Most of them said, “Dude, you’ve gone crazy! Why can’t you just spend that effort into your studies instead of finding excuses for being lazy!”
“Because I cant!!” I would reply, and add, “And im not lazy!! I mean, I am but this isn’t because im lazy!”
To which they’d just give up and say, “look whatever man, lets not have this conversation. You just don’t get it, we’re all looking out for your best interest” not that again…
Everything was pointless.
That was when I broke down. I told myself I didn’t want to do anything ever again. Not even go to school. If they were all looking out for my best, why did I feel like dying? Why didn’t anyone have a solution that worked for me? How is it that I did not have even one person in my life who understood me? I didn’t know. I didn’t care either.
When harry potter came out in july, I didn’t see it. That should’ve been proof enough things had gone awry. Nobody noticed, I was left alone in my misery.
Soon, it was august. I decided to completely give up at school so they’d eventually kick me out. Good for me and for them. They could get rid of a potential failure and I could get out of writing the overrated, hyped and much awaited goal of everyone’s life at the moment, the BOARDS.
So I waited, in my dormant state, for the vacations to get over, so I could enter the next dormant state and finally disappear or something. During this time, while droning away my meaningless life on youtube, I accidentally stumbled upon a video. It was a ted talk by Sir Ken Robinson, titled “Do Schools Kill Creativity?”. I read the title and thought, “Yea man, you look like you’re doing something nice. But don’t bother. These people with their uber skeptic brains just won’t get it.”
It was 20 minutes long. That’s how long it took, to turn my dozing brain buzzing with activity. I was crying and hyperventilating. Ive never taken drugs or alcohol, but im pretty sure I know how they feel because I had the same reaction to that video. I was simply in awe; by his words, experience and efficiency. Before that day, I’d never thought I’d meet or hear of anyone who could speak out my thoughts so beautifully and precisely like he did. i quickly checked out every video I could find related to him, my heart, warming with each one.
That evening, I was a changed person. I was euphoric and beyond inspired.
I hadn’t scratched out my initial goal of getting kicked out of school, but now I had an additional agenda. To propagate my thoughts while I was there and rebel openly. In school. Yep, bad idea. I was met with the harshest skeptics and cynics. it was amusing at first, my classmates would be busy talking about how stressed out they are and how they would never be able to complete studying on time and I would be like, “ Don’t you see what it has done to you? The system is taking over our lives! They’re not letting us breath!! We don’t have arts! Our creativity is being curbed!!.....etc” with exaggerated theatrics.
After a little laughter and hilarity with the usual “you’ve gone crazy, haha!” their reply would change to, “ Okay Sayeda, when your done, please shut up. We’ve got our lives to live, if you don’t want to study, fine, dont. But we do, so please leave us in peace.” That’s when I realized, they did have lives, with promised futures I didn’t. Everything came crashing down once more.
Ofcourse I knew I wouldn’t be welcomed with roses and garlands. I just didn’t think it would hurt that much when rejected by so many people at the same time. I felt isolated and alienated, by my folks and my friends. The only person who would have believed in what I thought in my heart was right, lived a couple of continents away.
School was becoming more and more distant, everyone around me were busy with the exams and stress while my mind and soul were wandering about searching for a purpose. I still tried to change some of their minds, but with no avail. The more I tried, the more emotional blackmail I got in return saying, “oh you’ve hurt everyone!! Everybody loves you!! But your hurting all of them, and your parents?!! What about them?” right, I was a burden, I forgot. Thanks for reminding me.
The depression returned, just like it always did. I shut down once more. I wondered if I was bipolar now.
In October, I had enough. I stopped going to school. That was the last time id walked among those walls. I did not want to change the system or reform anything. I just wanted to be left in peace. My mother urged me to go into therapy because I’d told her about my ADD assumptions. She totally believed me, which is understandable because it was another way to say I was the one at fault. If that many people were right, I must be wrong, right? Whatever, I had nothing more to lose. Let me get myself treated, I thought.
Surprisingly, my story took a turn. Whether for good or bad I didn’t know. The guy told me that it wasn’t my fault. That was a first, but even he wasn’t keen on me quitting school even though I’d explicitly expressed my desire never to return to that monstrosity again. He understood that I was depressed. Actually, I only figured that out when he told me. It wasn’t as relieving as my ADD discovery, which by the way wasn’t true after all. I wasn’t bipolar either. Now any normal person would’ve felt happy about that but it just made me more hopeless. This unexplained sadness was simply irritating. It took me a while to cure myself from the disease that was school and only after I recovered from it did I realize that, mine was a problem of expression, freedom (lack of the two), fear and low self esteem. People would say that it wasn’t necessary to quit school to express myself, but, desperate times call for desperate measures.
According to me, our education system is like an infection, implanting its virus early in fragile minds, moulding them to be submissive, obedient and potential puppets for the government and anyone else in power. The very essence of the general school undermines democracy in every respect. Think about it, schools and colleges are the easiest way to exert control and by control I mean mind control over unsuspecting students in the guise of ‘education’. This is easily cited in history where dictators immediately rewrite textbooks and course material when they come into power. Now, Im not saying control is necessarily a bad thing, a lot of it is for good reasons but, too much is just too much.
Im sorry if your offended by this, these are simply my opinions.
You see, the issue here is that, although there are many students who are motivated to force their energies into cramming, a significant majority just want to get by this hellhole because they have to. They are not being engaged, enthralled or enlightened. They’ve been brainwashed by the school-college-job mantra before they could even speak, it’s the only way they’ve known to survive in our world. They were suffering (still are). And so was I. but unlike my friends, im not docile or submissive, I can’t sit quite and pretend everything is okay when im being torn apart limb by limb.
I believe every person is important, not just a select few who have somehow managed to grab those gold medals. Now im not saying they are stupid, of course they achieved what they did through sheer work and determination but doesn’t mean everyone else has to be left behind to wallow in their shadows. We praise those at the top and shun those at the bottom without trying to help them, or even considering that they are human beings with various needs besides scoring good grades.
I think we can all agree that learning should be a fun experience. We’re all born with an instinctual curiosity that if harnessed properly would only enhance our learning experience. Unfortunately, the very first thing a classroom does is, trample on it. Curiosity and creativity go hand in hand. Cut out curiosity and you majorly disable creative function. Still complaining that your employees aren’t innovative enough? Blame their education dear respective HR managers.
CBSE, definitely extinguished my flame for learning.
I was bound to a life of shame either ways. Id rather take the path I have more control over than not. Had I appeared for the boards, the most I would’ve scored was a 40 overall. Forever labeled as a delinquent, mediocre or just plain stupid. And I’m being generous, I could easily fail all of it as well. I don’t know about you, but Id personally be ashamed of it myself. Ive heard my counselor preaching all these years saying,” beta, if you are a 60% girl then scoring 60 would be more than enough but if you’re a 90% girl then 60 is no way near achieving excellence. We all have certain capabilities and limits. We should first of all understand that and try to score our maximum and then, be happy with it. If you are a 90% girl in a 90% college, then your 90% classmates will automatically pull you up when you slack. They’ll update you on the hottest trends, the latest news, potpourri and they know how to have fun! ”
Great, I need a 90% to have fun as well? Just kill me…
Ofcourse, it didn’t matter if you didn’t know what %girl you were, after your boards, which is pretty much when most of us give our all, you would be whatever % girl or boy your certificate showed.
Woopdidoo! Im a 40% girl! Yay….
Now I can clean the grounds at Harvard..
Oh im sorry? I need a PHD for that too? What a pity…I was all up for investing in a good quality broom.
My period of hibernation for a couple of months, brought things into perspective. I didn’t think I would get out of it. I was urged to take anti depressants but I refused (much to my mother’s distress).
i guess somewhere deep inside the recesses of my head, I must’ve wanted something. My devious brain kept that away from me until now. I didn’t want to take a stupid medicine, because I wanted to prove that it wasn’t the chemicals in my brain that was causing it, but external forces I couldn’t control. There was no point masking my symptoms, I had to get out of this the natural way.
When I did come out, slowly, it felt like I’d woken up from a coma. Looking back at things, I was astonished at my newfound calmness. When I improved on my self esteem and facing my fears, things started looking better automatically. I decided that the only way for me to live, to move forward from my current position, was to go full swing. I have two options, only two. Either I could fail miserably and end up on the streets or, I could finally make my dreams come true and live successfully. Both are equally possible and viable.
Well, considering the facts, I’d suffered enough, dreamt enough for a whole lifetime and thought enough. Its time to act.
I’ve accepted myself and what I believed in. I believed in what I believed.
There’s no point listening to other people who are merely observers of a tiny fraction of your life. You’ve lived through all of it, experienced and felt the intensity. Our minds have this divine radio station called intuition. I simply ask you to tune into it, you’ll hear melodies that take your breath away and lend a hand in every situation.
I think we all need to shut the world out atleast once, whether it’s turning your cell phone off or taking a vacation. It helps you re-organize your internal energies and reset your spring so you can start bouncing with renewed vitality when you’re out again.
Dear Readers, do you know why I dropped out of school?
I did it because I wanted to take control of my life. I wanted to shake myself out of the conditioning and the system. Shock myself out of that reverie and take ownership of my emotions, my ideas and my beliefs.
Im a free spirit, a Sagittarian through and through.
I deserve to soar high in the sky, among the stars and the clouds, fill my life with joy and purpose. Release the love and the hate from my heart and rise above, until death do me part, from the earth and my fellow transient beings.
What will I do now, you ask?
Simple. Be creative.
That’s my goal. The less opportunities you have, the more creative you can be. And for those of you concerned readers, who think I will now suddenly be cut off of knowledge, I ask you to look into your own life’s and tell me; have you stopped learning after you got out of college? I think not. Im pretty sure you learned more.
Times have changed; information is not monopolized by universities and formal institutions. There are many ways to learn, it doesn’t even have to be from a book. Explore, appreciate, aspire, interpret, create and inspire.
Part of what i want to do is create awareness. Turn on a red light toward our schools. Everything else in the world is changing, why not this?
This isn’t just about me, I told you, a significant majority are being left out.
And its not fair. It really isn’t.
Its not fair that the only way to do ANYTHING else in life is by by-hearting crap and regurgitating it on a piece of paper.
And please don’t get me started on the arts.
But before I end this, I would like to share this quote from Sir Ken Robinson;
“It is often said that education and training are the keys to the future. They are, but a key can be turned in two directions. Turn it one way and you lock resources away, even from those they belong to. Turn it the other way and you release resources and give people back to themselves. To realize our true creative potential—in our organizations, in our schools and in our communities—we need think to differently about ourselves and to act differently towards each other. We must learn to be creative.”

I cant expect anything to happen. But I can hope. For now, I just wanted a voice to be out there. On a grateful note, I shall end with a verse of song that says,
“Give me some sunshine….
Give me some rain….
Give me another chance I wanna grow up once again….!”

Angelfreakz Angelfreakz
22-25, F
7 Responses Nov 28, 2012

GIRL PREACH! You should start some sort of nation wide protest because school isn't about learning anymore! its all about money and that namesake diploma you were talking about! I'm sick of it and so happy that there are people out there like you who feel the same way and have intelligent things to say about it!! You are definitely not stupid, you are just not a mindless follow the leader idiot like society is trying to turn everyone into. Seriously, thanks for this it gave me hope. I hope you are doing good now and that everything turns out great in your future. You deserve it and you are definitely capable of getting it! Stay strong, theres more people like this than you think, they are just not brave enough to show it yet!

Oh my God, I loved your post. I felt EXACTLY the same way as you did. I dropped out and I don't regret a single bit. Please read the story I posted.

I wish that you would post to the High School Dropout Community I just started. A lot of people could benefit from your story. There needs to be a place for people who feel high school isn't for them.

Heyy, Thankyou for reading my story! It really warms my heart to meet a kindred spirit. I would love to post but I don't want to post this twice on the same site haha.
And your right, there needs to be a place for people like us. Just because we didn't finish school doesn't automatically make us lazy bums or underachievers. Infact we have to work harder because the world is more unforgiving. Either ways it's worth it. I'm living proof that you can survive. I have a job now, I make music part time ( hoping to make it full time but that'll take a while).
A lot of the "OMG...but you HAVE to study!! You have to finish school....because...*enter conditioned response* Education is important!"
Funny, I never said education wasn't important. I've just chosen to quit the mainstream culture of it. The shock factor is more because well it's what everyone does, it's norm and sort of cemented the idea that it's the only way and not taking part in the mainstream ritual of graduation somehow cripples you greatly. I'll be sure to check out your story :)
And yes school isn't for everyone.
Works for some, good for them. If it doesn't work, it's not fair to have it pushed down our throats because they don't understand.

We have a lot in common, like becoming fanatical over self diagnosing ourselves with Adhd and bot having an academic achiever as a sibling. Hows everything going for you now?

Hey, thankyou for reading my story.
Well, quite frankly things have been rough. Under so much pressure to go to uni. Because despite not having completed highschool my mum and dad have found that a lot of colleges will take you in if you do short foundation course. I kinda succumbed to the pressure and said ok. But I failed the foundation because I couldnt get my mind to do any assignments.

First of all I was frustrated. I thought not finishing high school would automatically bar me off of anything academical. Unfortunately that wasnt the case and it bothered me that even after all this im being forced in this direction.

And when your all alone its easy to lose hope. but I manage to get back. I'm still in the therapy mentioned in the story. The trauma is more severe than I anticipated. The reason I havnt been disowned yet is because they think I'm mad. They think after the therapy i'll come to my senses and go back to school or whatever.
I know I wont. But what will happen is that I wont be in fear anymore...and wont be insecure..
Right now I'm an emotional wreck. Sometimes im fine, I can do things...other times I give up. I'm towards the end of the therapy and the fluctuation is more severe.

Other than that the biggest priority in my life is to get my songs out.
The greatest thing I accredit to being free from school is discovering songwriting. And teaching myself to play the guitar (well im not a virtuoso or anything but, know enough for my satisfaction)
I've written so many songs, I've almost completed like the desired set I had in mind. Whenever I can get my mind to it I'm working towards releasing it, maybe even finding someone to help produce them. Its just I live in a place where opportunities are few. I don't know what I want to do after that. If im lucky at all to get even a remote following, I'd love to stay a singer-songwriter.
If not, I havnt entirely closed myself off to college. Its just that, alteast for a good while I want to be in action. I was trapped for so long...its scares me to go back into it.
Oh and I have a blog too. www.thealternativephoenix.blogspot.com

I'm trying really hard to write in it regularly but each time a start a post...I procrastinate too much and lose interest in it.

So thats that. Apart from all this, I'm alright. Hang out with friends...stuff like that.
Again thankyou for your concern. Sorry to hear about the sibling! What made you come to this section?

sorry man..fb completely struck

dude.........its me surumi...wow, jst type sayeda mohamed n ur all over de internet.......awsum man..ul survive, trust me.....

read the comment by the guy below...its so awesome! :')

After reading this, I'm amazed and jealous. Both by how well you've managed to express your thoughts. During high school I had much of the same issues and I eventually stopped trying. Lately I've been feeling stuck, especially with seeing many of my past friends moving forward with their education. This helped me though, and my next stop is Sir Ken Robinson's videos. Thank you for the sliver of motivation.

Hey, thankyou for the amazement. But please, don't be jealous. I totally get what you mean by stuck. Sometimes I would feel hopeful and sometimes I would feel dreadful. My friends are all in college now, and yes I too feel stuck at times. But the most important thing is to work on something. You have to figure out what you want in life and focus on it. You don't have school ordering you to do things the way they want you to so take advantage of it! They've brainwashed us to think that we're not capable of learning without the instrument of school, if not, how has humanity been able to forge its way?? We are capable of doing our own research. It is inevitably harder, but in the end we'll come out stronger.
I think for me, it's came a lot easier because my skills are creative…
And most of creativity is from within you. And you can be creative with anything.
My dream is to become a singer-songwriter. I understand I might not be an ed sheeran. But I love the art, so fiercely that I lose myself in it. I had no idea I knew how to write songs. Is only after I dropped out and started playing around with the guitar (which I didn't know much back then but due to repeated playing I got better) that it came to me. Plus I had the good fortune to meet just one songwriter and I only talked to her once but whatever she said helped. I've written so many songs now! And can't wait to release it with back stories in my blog thealternativephoenix.blogspot.com
I havnt started posting in it but that's what I'm working on.
Another skill I have is writing, to some extent. I joined this site called www.odesk.com you should too. There are many job listings for well just about anything, writing, editing, email response, designing etc.
it'll take a while to get money rolling in but try and don't be disheartened.
PS : don't mention anything about school!
The most important thing is, don't be ashamed. Educated (just a loose term for people with certificates) people are not better or smarter than you!.
My advice (if I may advice, because you seem older and I totally understand if you feel offended!) would be to indulge in things you like or find out what you like. Don't think about career, future or any of that ****. I mean it makes sense. For your whole life you were made to be part of a structure you didn't like and then you feel dis attached and lost (but also relieved I'm guessing). Now you have all the time in the world to do whatever you like and find what ignites your passion.
If you don't have financial support (as I do from my parents, for now) get some low paying job to keep up. Life isn't about making money. Make time, and visit the things that interest you. Go along with anything and everything that sparks your interest, you have the freedom to explore!
For ex if you like say...plants (ok a bit absurd I know) you don't have to do a botany course to know about them. You can actually go outside, observe them and infer something out of your observation. Observation is key to learning. And in time, you might be a plant expert! You'll know what to do to learn when you try....listen to your intuition! (Like with my guitar) What you learned wont be like what the people from university know, but it will be unique and that will be special. Btw, don't compare yourself to your friends!.
Besides there's always the Internet, make use of that.
Another way to figure out is to analyse your past, and think what you've always wasted your time doing. That's how I figured out music. I always, always listen to music or just sing. I was so obsessed with the music industry and I was always reading people's bios on wiki. I hadn't consciously realised I might want to do that some day but I did later. And when I wrote my first song, it was like a puzzle had fell in piece. I just instantly loved it and knew that's what I wanted to do. Not that songs came pouring out of me after that but because I spent so much time on it, eventually more meaningful things came.
When you find what makes you tick, and realise it, you'll go absolutely mad and nothing will stop you because you'll be constantly perusing it. It's not work, it's just pure joy. This is from Sir Ken Robinson's book 'the element'
I want to write too when I'm older. Not now though :P
I don't have my heart in it now, but someday.
Remember the important thing is have your heart in it and lose yourself. Not whether your good at it or not. It's foolish to judge your potential at something you havnt invested a reasonable amount of time in.
I wish you all the best :) may you find the life you lost!

Firstly, I appreciate such a quick reply. I' m a bit surprised this post doesn't have many views or comments. At this point in my life, I would take advice from a 10 year old if it made sense, so don't worry about offending me. Much of my teenhood involved me reading fantasy and sci-fi stories, and I've always felt like writing would be something I'd enjoy, but during school I was never much good at it. Writing essays was torture and getting D grade scores weren't very motivating. Adding on to that, whenever I try to write anything, I feel like I have no creativity and I'll sit there stupidly until I give up. To this day it's something I want to do, but this little narcissistic being in my brain is convincing me otherwise. It's difficult to overcome, but I believe that sue to lack of motivation. I'll be sure to look into odesk. It sounds interesting enough, and I could use anything to keep me busy. You really have a knack for motivating people, by the way. There's not many others who can write so intelligently and make such sense while letting their personality shine through! I'm currently using a kindle device, and my fingers and this screen need a break. Your wisdom is incredibly useful and I'm taking everything you've written to mind and heart. Also! I'll keep in touch with your blog. I wish you all the happiness with your music! All da happiness.

- Jesse

I get email notification on my iPad that's why. And I can't sleep tonight I don't know why...
I had to reply because....OMG I hated writing essays too! They give so many rules, you have to follow patterns and blah; drains out all the fun. In school, nobody thought I could write too and my English grades were only slightly better cuz you can make up stuff. I just hated the homework aspect of all of it...and everything was so mechanical. But it's those same people who tell me now that I can write, they go all, "aww but you write so well, your wasting yourself by refusing to go to school" right...(keep in mind I belong to an Indian community so this is pretty high for them lol)
It was only after getting out of school that I realised I could write too.
I've read this somewhere but a lot of graduates say they have to unlearn what they learnt in school to write in the real world. Makes me feel better haha.
I have to say, its so wonderful talking to you! I havnt met another person with a similar experience before! Ever! This is so exciting and I'm really touched that you actually took the time to read my post and my reply! I'm kind of notorious for my long replies.
And by the way, you probably know this but your a really good writer. If the blockage was ever due to needing confirmation then I'm telling you now, you have a gift for writing. It's fluid, engaging and easily understandable. I love reading well written pieces, especially when it's addressed to you. Now that is cool.
And you have the wrong idea of creativity bro. You don't try to write anything. You write anything. Get it? :P
And hey, you don't have to do anything you don't want to. Don't force it, maybe the time hasn't come...!
What about the sci-fi stuff? Try writing some fan fiction, or spin-offs. That way you don't need to start from scratch. There are sites you can post it on but I forgot the name...
I'm 18 now and the whole of last year I was basically simply sitting at home for most people but in my mind i was on an important pursuit of inspiration that changed my life. I stopped listening to the people around me and started listening to people I admired. Sir ken Robinson, mahatma Gandhi, my songwriter friend...even Justin bieber. I even volunteered at a hospital for 2 months. That was amazing.
Oops...my messages are getting too long again..
Thankyou for hearing me out. Like I said, it's incredible talking to someone on the same boat.
I'm going to bed…

I agree with you on the essays. There's absolutely no reason for teachers to be so strict when it comes down to writing. It makes it just a tad more complicated than it needs to be. In fact, writing shouldn't be complicated at all. It's supposed to be a form of expression and not bound by these rules that teachers enforce too harshly. I enjoyed writing when I stopped worrying about how to "properly" do it. I understand your feeling. I couldn't help but comment when I finished reading your post. So much of what you wrote has been through my mind. Although I have to disagree when it comes my writing (especially the fluidity), I appreciate the compliment. Writing fan-fiction is actually a great start, and I was thinking about it. I never actually accomplish what I think about doing, but perhaps short stories would be worth a try. Volunteering is an amazing idea. I'd like to help out in a pet shelter or pet hospital, but I don't have a clue where to begin.. Phew.. I'm typing quite a bit myself. It's very interesting talking to you! Let's keep in touch. Time for sleep, too. Have a good night or morning whenever you read this.

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Yea, I Understand, I Dropped Out Of High School When I Was Like 16, I Was On Probation, And Had Plans To Go To College, But My Mental Illness Got Severely Worse, So I Dropped Out As Soon As My Probation Got Terminated!!!