So Near And Yet So Far

Have you ever gone through that stage where in you just wish it was the two of you but it's pretty much impossible?

I'm still liking this guy since December of the previous year and even if he has told me that we were just friends, I still like him. Just recently he hooked up with a girl but it didn't last long so I was, honestly, pleased that they were over since the girl was just using her. Next thing I know, he has a crush on this girl who is flaunting herself on him. I got frustrated because I was jealous of the girl because I just seriously want to scream on his face, "What do they have that I don't?"

I took extremes and disappeared from facebook for a while. I must say it actually caused an uproar with the cosplay community and people were frantically looking for me, Even he did. So when the morning of last last week's Monday came, he had found out I was gone. I told him I wanted some time off. I actually didn't expect the people to find me. So when Wednesday came, I was still angry at myself and some handful people, I group messaged this:

"I'm here. Somewhere, if you're looking. Just saying, if you're not."

I just sent it to the people, just wanting to vent it out. And unexpectedly he replied quickly,

"I'm looking."

It surprised me that he would say such and so his next text message also caught me off guard:

"And guess where I am now...

Behind you."

Of course it wasn't true since I was already riding in a vehicle to the mall to release the stress in an arcade but the fact that he told me such. It touched me. I know that I shouldn't be giving meanings but I wish, I really wish that somehow he felt the same way as I felt for him. And then he tells me,

"If is okay if you wait for me for an hour?"

I told him it was okay. If only he knew. I wanted to tell him, though I didn't. 'You want me to wait for an hour when all this time I've been waiting for you.' I know I sound cheesy but I really wanted to tell him that.

And so I waited and he came, we spent time together until last Thursday.

I know that I shouldn't be putting any meaning into these things because it would only put my hopes up and I might hope so much that I might end up crushing my own heart but what can I do? At eighteen, I haven't had a single relationship so all these is so new to me. I've never had to go through the confusion of falling in love with some guy. I know that I probably must be a loser for not having a boyfriend even once but heck, I've been in an all girls school up until sixteen and when I stepped into college, I got my first crush.

So here I am, musing about this one guy whom I've liked since Christmas of 2009. I don't know if I should expect so much but we're really close. So close that people think we're a couple but sadly we're not. I know it's selfish to say that I wish he was mine but I'm just being honest with myself. Yes, I wish he was mine but still until today, I'm just a step behind him and hiding these feelings because yes, I am afraid of rejection.

Thanks for reading.
Yakiniku Yakiniku
18-21, F
1 Response Jul 25, 2010

I've been trying to boost my courage and hope to get the right time and the right place to tell him that I still like him, >_<