The Enemy Called LoveOne night, you are lying down your bed wishing you weren’t there. You are hearing echoes of voices that bring you back to the past and you wish not to hear the voices again. You opened your window for a gasp of fresh air, but instead you smell scents of the journey you wish you didn’t take. You walk down the streets hoping to see the way to where the light is, but all you see are shadows of the face and form of the one you once loved.
Or rather, the one who once loved you.
Each little fragment of what used to be bears so much to be forgotten. Every little thing reminds you of one thing; a special song, an exquisite delight, a red balloon… Every single thing becomes special because every single thing was special with that special someone you have lost.
They say moving on is a simple thing… You may say it is indeed simple, but what it leaves behind is not. When you lost someone, you tend to keep the illusion that he has not gone. So the voices you hear, the scents you smell and the shadows you see are illusions of your broken dreams – dreams of being warmed by his presence despite the miles that separate you. You make wonderful films and novels in your head. You don’t feel contended, so you keep on replaying and rereading them.
Picking up the pieces is the worst part of it… once the relationship ends, the period of mourning begins. You try to get used to no longer being together but all it gives you is the feeling of guilt that you may have made a mistake. It is excruciating. You are taken hostage by your own emotion.
So what do you do?
You wish to hate the one you love to cover up all the pain. You look for flaws and you throw away all the good parts. You ignore the good things. You squeeze your mind just to remember all the mistakes he has done but then you’ll end up hating yourself for still loving him.
You blame yourself.
Now, you ask your friends to come over. You go out in the clubs, you meet new people, and you date them. You drown yourself with alcohol so you can divert your thoughts, but then you’ll end up hating yourself for still having the memories of him.
You blame yourself. You have become both a victim of a broken relationship and a victim of blame. And again, you blame yourself. You become a victim of the enemy called love. And then we ask, is it love we seek, or is it merely pain?
You miss him. You miss the feeling of being with him. Perhaps, you miss being intimate with him. You miss the things you do together, and you miss yourself when you were once with him.
The problem is, you have become so identified with the role of being with him; you are no longer sure of whom you really are outside of that role. When you refuse to let go of that role, you hinder the act of moving on. The fact is, you cannot move on while continuing to cling to the past.
So again, what do you do?
Should you avoid seeing him? Should you let everything out so that you would lose everything you’re holding inside? Should you cry? Should you let go of the memories and put away everything that reminds you of him?
Avoiding him doesn’t mean erasing him completely in your life. If you want him as friend, you may. But at one point in time, you will realize that avoiding him is the easiest possible way of forgetting. You are not forgetting the person himself, you are forgetting the pain. Cry it all out to release the hurting. It won’t stop the ache immediately, but it will ease somehow. Do not put away all things the remind you of him but rather, let go of the things that remind you of the relationship. It is hard. You will definitely have to adjust, first to being rejected and second to life without somebody you still love.
But it is your life. It is now, and you are not your past. You can choose the way you want to live. You can drown in self pity or you can choose life. Your life has its own effortless course, and you can embrace its way or struggle endlessly with the miserable book you write. Letting go is a journey that never ends. It only begins… over and over again.
You cannot live life blaming yourself forever. Those who stay in the parameters of rejection of letting go are those who live in the shadows to lick their wounds. And the wounds will not get healed. It can only get worse. Do not dwell on what ifs. Stop asking, “Did I give too much?” “or too little”. Stop saying “I should have” or “I could have”. You are just knocking yourself down. The fact of the matter is, it doesn’t matter anymore. That chapter is over, turn the page now.
Starting life over again is the key to a new you. Somehow, you will see the beauty of starting over. At one point, hopefully soon, you will find your heart again. And it is whole. You should see that beyond the limits of your present sight is something higher than what is usually given. Do not look down on you. Look ahead, look farther. Lift your eyes from their present point of focus and you will realize that what you are looking for is always a glimpse of something that was only out of sight.
kaceirvine 22-25, F 0 Nov 20, 2011