Dad You Made Me Think Of Love And Life

I could describe my life...No. No not describe but say taht it is similar to that of Ted Mosby from HIMYM. I’m hopeless romantic. But with broken family.

My mom and dad are continuously fighting. They don’t pick theme and then fight about it. They don’t come to conclusion. They just argue as a way of communicating. Form they wake up till they go to sleep. And even in they sleep I can hear them arguing. All 3 of us are unemployed so we spend all our time in the house. House that father built. Should I thank him for that? Yes! But it bringed more problems than happiness. Now he is acting like a big boss. Like everything and everyone is in debt to him. Like I owe him for living in his space. He did us (to me and my mother) a big favor by financing. I thank him for financing my collage. But he’s never been a real father to me. He never showed some interest in my activities. Thing I like. One of little examples happened today. I was watching a movie on TV that we both buyed and he just busted in a living room taking TV remote from my hands and changed it to his channel with formula 1. And that was one hour before lunch. So we as a family are having a lunch and the sound of formulas just broom around the house. And the food is on a table but he continues watching TV that is behind my back. I fell like a window. Empty for him. And that’s like every day. And I mean every day.
I can’t stand it anymore. Those eyes on that TV. Eating with all that noise. Stabbing that food like it could run away and when he puts some of it his mouth it like 1000 guitars fighting for that piece that was “lucky” enough to travel to his mouth. I’m saying lucky because half of that food on the fork felled on the table. My God I can’t stand that. He doesn’t care what he eats. That’s why he had and sill has digest problems. And after he finished eating he just puts his body into a sleep on a couch in front of TV. But in a way that nobody can seat or watch TV, because TV remote is in his hands.
And my mom. Oh my God, my mom. She tried to change him to be more of a family guy but she can’t. Nobody can’t. I tried too. We even tried doing things together but it always turns out to a fight. I mean, it’s like this. He wants to do it his way and I my way. Then we fight around that. Then I just let him do it his way because he tells me all angry that I’m lazy, ugly…. And ending with you’re good only for studying. I want to help but not in a way that for every my move he tells me that is wrong.

I don’t know stuff because he never teaches me to do them. He was on a ship for most of my life. When I was a kind I think he was the best dad in the world. I really did. We watched formula 1 together every Sunday and he spends time with me. I was a kid and he could handle that. He was very popular when he was younger. A real life of the party. At least so I’m told. I can see that when he listens to music of his golden age. Cream, The Doors, Rolling Stones ect. It is a good music but times have changed. And there is something new every day. I think, no…I know that he is trying to revive the best times of his life every day but nobody can live every single day in the past. I’m here, I have needs too. I can remember one time that I was really happy with my dad but then he screws it up with drunk driving. I’m not saying that he is the worst dad in the world. He never hitted me or my mom. Or cheated on her. I just can’t stand that personality of a kid of constant needing to be the center of attention.
And my mom. Again and again I feel sorry for her because she can’t help herself to be happy. Who could? She doesn’t have a right to say anything. Bills, feelings, thoughts, problems. I’m here for that. But I can’t hear it anymore. It’s my dad’s job to be a husband, not mine. I love them both but I can’t take it anymore.

What’s this all have to do with Ted Mosby a fictional character from a TV show? I’m losing myself in all that argument every single day. I was trying to be a nice guy always ready to have fun. But seeing my parent’s broken relationship. What message am I sending to the world? What can I do to help myself? My parents? How can I even believe that something like love? It just two people trying to live side by side and not going anywhere. Is that life? All this crazy personalities trying to live together? And tonight. I am going out with my mindset like everything is black. Nobody likes that person. I want to believe that there is a person for me. A better person that doesn’t have problems like mine and helps me found the true meaning of love and life. I truly want to believe there is that one that can make me be the best person I can be. But I know that I can be that on my own.
So I need her to help me. I think that all man are like little kids. Because we are, I don’t deny it. I see it every day around me. The deference is that we now have different toys. Bigger ones to play with. I just realized that right now so I want to play a good game with life. I can’t take everything so seriously but I’m just disappointed that I’m OK with that, that I can’t change my parents. I can change myself but I’m losing hope that I will ever be happy. Happy in love.
kavurmija kavurmija
26-30, M
May 12, 2012